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Original poster

Is he being genuine about his ex or should I cut my losses

26 replies

TinkleWee · 11/02/2020 14:14

Met someone 4 weeks ago and we get on great. Only just had the conversation about ex’s. He’s open about it and it turns out they broke up on 15 December. We met on 5 January and have seen each other every few days since.

He’s told me himself that it was hard for him, he didn’t want it to be over and he said he tried hard to get her to change her mind.

After he told me all this, I asked if he wanted some time and to contact me in a few weeks or months if he wanted to meet again. He was against this idea and said he would be sad if we stopped seeing each other. He said he had no intention of trying to get back together with the ex and that he would of course tell me if she contacted him. He also said she had removed him from Facebook.

I will probably be judged for this but I read his texts and she contacted him a week after we met on 10 jan. she asked how he was and said she noticed on Facebook he had been out a lot and that it was ‘astonishing’ that he’s now suddenly interested in doing things when he wasn’t when they were together. He replied and was very polite, said he was ok and asked how she was and how was work. He also said that it wasn’t a sudden change of interests, just that he wanted to try and have a positive start to the year and start doing more with his time. She had read the message but didn’t reply.

I don’t know what to make of it really. If he was so devastated only in December about the break up, then how can he suddenly be over it now? But then he didn’t bite as such when she messaged him, he was just polite and reasonable, didn’t provoke a conversation further or chase when she didn’t reply. It seems a bit of a turn around from someone who only 8-10 weeks ago was devastated about losing someone.

What do you think? Don’t want to waste my time and can’t help thinking the latest text was quite detached and perhaps there is more emotion to unfold later?!

OP posts:
Weffiepops · 11/02/2020 14:17

Maybe he was devastated, and then he met you and it made him have hope for the future? I would tread with caution as he probably hasn't processed the loss

Original poster
TinkleWee · 11/02/2020 14:19

I’m just not sure he has processed it really. They had a few weeks in early December where he admits he was constantly contacting her and realising that it was futile. So he did have some time then to go through the hurt. But still it isn’t long.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinkleWee · 11/02/2020 16:32

Anyone have any experience of this?! Hopeful bump Smile

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 11/02/2020 16:47

A lot of men just jump into a new relationship after a breakup as a kind of solution rather than processing the loss and doing any healing or work on themselves. They are emotionally unavailable. If he's not over her you'll always feel like some sort of rebound or second best. A depressing thought.

I dated a separated/soon to be divorced bloke who did nothing but talk about his ex wife. I got sick of being his free counsellor and the fact he just didn't seem 'all there' and interested in getting to know me. After I ended it, he jumped straight into another relationship with someone else 6 days after!! Hurtful

AFistfulofDolores1 · 11/02/2020 16:53

Way, way too soon.

claire0614 · 11/02/2020 17:00

how has he acted in the time you have been together does he seem interested in you and make plans with you? if so i wouldn’t let it ruin things for you just yet just have a guard their to protect yourself. I no from my own experience it was years back but i had a horrible breakup and didn’t want to get back into another relationship ever i thought it hurt a lot and i didn’t have any interest in another relationship i met my dh about 6 weeks later am we have been together for 18 happy years sometimes you just no the person you meet is who your meant for don’t let it put you off to much he hasn’t still been contacting her he hasn’t been doing anything he shouldn’t behind your back it can change after a short period of time it did for me x

Original poster
TinkleWee · 11/02/2020 17:01

This is what I’m wondering...if he’s really ready. I can’t tell. He says he is but of course he would say that to me.

They were together just over a year so it wasn’t along thing but I got the sense it was quite serious. He doesn’t talk about her generally.

I’m thinking maybe I should call it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinkleWee · 11/02/2020 17:02

claire thanks that’s nice to read. Maybe it has changed for him too, I’m not sure. He makes plans yes, he’s booked and taken me to see a show at the theatre, he is in regular contact but not overbearing.

I don’t like the idea he would be using me to get over her though and I don’t know how I can ever know for sure?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 11/02/2020 18:14

Some people, both male and female don't need 'processing time' the way others do. They can be upset, but make a decision to get over it and job's done. Or they can be upset at a breakup, meet someone they like and realise that the previous relationship wasn't all that anyway.

He doesn't seem to be flying any rebound red flags, so don't start projecting your or other people's motivations onto him. I'd say his actions and his words are matching up. Rebound is not an automatic. Some people can just move on quickly.

Original poster
TinkleWee · 11/02/2020 18:40

I suppose so! I sense he is still feeling fragile but when I said he could take some time he said he didn’t think that would change anything as he wants to see me now, not in a month or two months

OP posts:
Springisintheair20 · 11/02/2020 18:48

I once started dating a new man just a couple of weeks after the break up of a 5 year relationship that I was devastated over. I had a great time I’m the new relationship for a few months, because despite my sorrow at it ending my previous relationship had been unhappy. So I really enjoyed all that came with a new fun relationship and I was genuinely into him. Until I wasn’t. And my feelings changed fast because I realised I had just been on the rebound. Unfortunately I hurt the new man quite a bit which I’m not proud of.

So I’d advise caution.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/02/2020 18:51

Bin.

His messages show he's a) not mentioning you and b) trying to display his "best self" to her... Just like the standard advice to everyone who wants their ex back.

Even without that, he's 3 weeks out of a relationship that he didn't want to end. Rebound city.

Iooselipssinkships · 11/02/2020 18:56

4 weeks ago you met and already snooped at his messages/phone? What would you be like in 4 months?
If you're feeling the need to invade his privacy after 28 days then I'd let this one go.

Cyberve · 11/02/2020 19:03

I started seeing my now fiance a few weeks after he split from his ex because she cheated on him. We weren't really dating though, more just friends which developed into a relationship after a few months. It did develop very slowly.

Considering we get married next year I'd say it worked out well. Although he was going to split up with her anyway even if she hadn't cheated. She just showed her true colours and it finalised his decision.

If you want to continue, proceed slowly. Just hang out as friends, don't let it be a relationship or dating. Go to the cinema, go for walks, for coffee etc. If it progresses, cool. If it doesn't, you may still have a new friend.

JustKeepOnChangingUsernames · 11/02/2020 19:06

How long were they together?

HopeYouStepOnALego · 11/02/2020 19:16

I'm quite interested in the ex's comment about him never wanting to do things when they were together. I'm sure he's making an effort with you as it's still early days but if he reverts to that behaviour and stops wanting to socialise will that be ok for you?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 11/02/2020 19:21

In your post you said the reason you didn't call a break was because HE would be sad. You have to learn to put your needs first. This has got they're going to hook up all over it. If your gut says call a break then do that.

DearGod1 · 11/02/2020 19:21

IMO men often overlap.

Have another relationship lined up before they even leave.

LittleWing80 · 11/02/2020 19:26

Some people fall hard and fast and forget just as fast. Just make sure you protect yourself in case he is emotionally unavailable or has a short attention span in relationships

TheStuffedPenguin · 11/02/2020 19:28

Why would he tell an ex that he is seeing someone for one week ?? No reason to ...if he did people would say he is just trying to make his ex jealous etc ..Confused

IMO men often overlap that's not the situation here .

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/02/2020 19:31

It’s not a good thing you snooped his phone OP. Understandable.

I’m on the fence about this as I came out of a LTR and then went less than 3 months before meeting my now DH and father of my children.

PROS:
As a PP said some folk can just compartmentalise, process it all in the background whilst conducting a relationship in the foreground. Maybe that’s him. Just beware of anything that will inevitably come up when the two parts of his mind collide, it can be messy.

He also hasn’t flooded the XGF with lots of nostalgia in the messages or hints that he wants her back. She’s asked him a question and he’s answered very diplomatically and without tear-stained emotional venom.

CONS: he is just out of a relationship that he didn’t want to end. Basically you should not know that. The fact he’s told you makes me worried you’re on the field ready to be pulled off the minute XGF says “take me back”. Also be wary of being a free counsellor.

THIS IS NAFF BUT: approach the next month or so with an open mind. Emotionally invest but not so much you’d have your heart broken. I think you’ll know if he’s not over her before long, I just wouldn’t throw in the towel yet if he seems like a good bloke.

The red flags are:
Making you his counsellor
Not seeming invested in you and “scanning the horizon”.

Massive post.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/02/2020 19:32

TBF, I'm not sure what is more intriguing, him getting over a "devastating" break up so quickly or you being so invested in a 4 week relationship.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/02/2020 20:18

I wouldnt touch him with someone else's barge pole. I dont like drama. I would question the sincerity of someone who could fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat.
Do yourself a favour , save yourself the grief and do find yourself someone who has the emotional maturity to be on their own and deal with shit.

Timinfuckingruislip · 11/02/2020 20:22

Hard to know, I let dh about a week after a break up (I instigated it though). We’ve been together 15 years now

user1481840227 · 11/02/2020 22:24

After such a short period of time it's absolutely impossible to tell if he's getting over the end of the relationship in a healthy way and at an average pace....or if he's going to end up hung up on her for a long time.

Either way I think people who date people who have had their hearts broken so recently need to be the type who are able to just go with the flow, take it very slow and not get too attached for a long time.

Clearly you're not one of those people, you've checked his phone after only a few weeks!!!
If I was seeing a man and he checked my phone after a few weeks i'd see that as a massive red flag and end it!
I bet if you see him this week or next week and get the opportunity to then you're going to pick up his phone again and check (be honest, you will)....and that's an awful beginning to any relationship!!

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