Reconciliation with mother too!

[RingofBrightWater]

Noticing a similar thread on this topic has got me thinking.

I would welcome advice on this.
My mother and I have always had a really difficult relationship. I would say she was pretty absent emotionally when I was growing up. This got really rocky in my teens and I left home quite young. She has never forgiven me for some of the things I did when I a teenager (nothing terrible, but in her eyes they were).

Throughout my life she has put me down, made passive aggressive remarks, been downright bitchy at times. When I am with my husband she speaks to him and virtually ignores me. If I express opinions when he is around she puts me down or shuts me up.
She is the sort of person who will put on a big show of being a lovely grandmother or being really interested in members of her family who she doesn't need to see or speak too regularly. However on a day to day basis she is disinterested, unsupportive, rude and unhelpful. She has never been there for me ever when I have needed her. In fact she seems to take pleasure if things don't go well for me. She can be spectacularly tactless and I would say downright cruel.
Anyway, we have lived hundreds of miles apart for most of my married life. For a six year period we moved back to live closer to my parents when the children were young , but she and my father really weren't interested. They would insist we only visit with one child at a time, as apparently they couldn't cope with more than one. She would find things to criticise and never did anything to help me at all. In the end we stopped speaking to them for 3 years as I was so upset by it all.
I recently moved back to the area because she is now widowed and elderly and i am concerned for her despite really not liking her much. I've bent over backwards to help her, sorting out her affairs and doing practical stuff. Things seemed to be in a better place, until one day she demanded I come round on a triviality. The conversation turned nasty and she started to question a statement I had made about my childhood. It then led onto her pet subject - what a bitch I was when I was a teenager, in her opinion. She said some unforgivable things and i left. I haven't spoken to her since, and that was in September.

My husband says it's a lost cause, I should let it be. He witnessed her behaviour and was appalled. However I can't reconcile myself to never speaking to her again my life. I have written several letters which didn't have the right tone so didn't send them. I can't face speaking to her, as i am afraid it will descend into a slanging match. There is so much hurt on both sides, I don't even know where to begin. She will never apologise to me, she never does, and has made no attempt to put things right. My husband says he thinks she engineered the argument because she doesn't want me involved in her affairs any longer.

I have two siblings who always take her side and show no support for me. My brother lives 20 miles from her and never visits or helps her, he's a user. My sister lives at the other end of the country and though she has a reasonable relationship, it is all take on her side. I feel really isolated and upset.

What should I do? I am now determined to leave the area again next year and not come back if this isn't resolved, I really feel I have had enough of the whole family.

That sounds difficult.

Wht came across to me in your post is that you are very concerned for your (toxic) mum and have shown forgiveness despite not receiving it yourself.
It would be good for you to take some of that care and concern and direct it towards yourself. What do you need? What would help you? How can you recover from a difficult childhood?

Her holding your teenage transgressions against you is ridiculous. I have teenagers. I have forgiven them for stuff they did yesterday! To hold on to it for years is extremely toxic.

So sad to read! I echo what the pp said... Show yourself some consideration and respect, where she shows you none. It deeply saddens me that people feel this unrelenting draw to toxic family members purely because they are related to you. She sounds vile and nothing you ever do will ever change that. Look after you and walk away.

Thank for your replies. I had given up hope of a response! The comment about directing some compassion towards myself has really made me think actually. Thank you both for your kind responses. It kind of gives me permission to walk away, hard though that is. I guess she’s made me feel that there is something intrinsically wrong with me . I always blame myself for not being good enough.

Of all the shitty things a shit parent can do, one of the shittiest must be to make their child feel like they are a shit child and therefore deserve all the shitty behaviour which flows from, and is ENTIRELY THE RESPONSIBILITY OF the shit parent. YOU ARE NOT A SHIT CHILD SHE IS A SHIT MUM AND DOES NOT DESERVE A LOVELY PERSON IN HER LIFE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS.
Walking away is an act of sanity, no more and no less

A lovely person like you, that should read. Got a bit carried away with my capitals there!

But seriously, no parent is entitled to unconditional love. Every child is - or ought to be, as sadly we know that's not always what happens

But what if she has reason not to like me? That’s what confuses me. I know it sounds pathetic.

You're a parent... Could your children do anything to make you treat them so callously? If anything, becoming a parent has given me clarity - I KNOW the love a parent is supposed to have for their child. Youu are her child... she was the adult. She should have loved you unconditionally regardless, and behaved like the adult.
Unless you stabbed her with a knitting needle, or committed some terrible, unforgivable crime... she's being pathetic to not let go.

Thank you for that. It’s true.

Children of toxic parents live with overwhelming feelings of fear, obligation and guilt. There is power dynamic at play where you are constantly seeking affirmation that you are deserving of love, and just desperate to understand what it is you could do to be loved.

Please listen to your husband, he’s absolutely right. There’s lots of really good books on the subject that you might find helpful, there’s a list on the opening post of the Stately Homes thread.

Something you haven't said is why you want to reconcile.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she'll ever contribute anything positive to your life, and experience would suggest the opposite.

Without seeming flippant, would you be in line for a hefty inheritance reasonably soon if you did? If not, why would you build bridges with someone so unpleasant?

Well, inheritance is certainly a a big reason, yes. It sounds mercenary but I have never had anything from either of my parents in my life. I am determined to benefit when she dies, mostly for the sake of my children. I know it sounds awful. I have spent a lot of time getting her financial affairs in order because of this. Also because I dread having to unravel the mess if things aren’t in order when the time comes. She may sense that my motivation is partly self interest. However I also want to help her. It’s complex.
It’s kind of a substitute for love. If I can’t have love, I’ll take my share of the money.

I completely understand that, don't worry.
It does make it harder though. It's easier when you have nothing to lose and can just walk away. Tough decision, then.

It wasn’t a good thing to move closer to her to help her. Did your H and DC move too? I would’ve refused if had been your DH.

Suggest the “Stately Homes” threads.

She seems the type to hold inheritance over you and then disinherit you! Wouldn’t let that guide your actions. Apart from the mercenary side, practical side (the money could all go on care), you could well get hurt still further.

Also, you can’t “take your share”: your mother could change her will at any time, without your knowledge. It’s solely up to her.

Do you know if she's even made a will and whether you're a beneficiary? Even if she has, and you are, wills can be changed at any stage, as I'm sure you know.

I finally walked away from my toxic mother 12 years ago. This sounds mercenary, I know, but - cutting a long story VERY short - my brother showed me a copy of my mother's will. She'd left everything to him, save for a couple of pieces of jewellery which were to go to my daughters. That will had been made by her some 10 years previously, a couple of months after my youngest daughter was born. I'd visited her as often as I could, I lived an hour away and worked, and nursed my late husband through a terminal illness - she didn't even come to his funeral.

That was the final straw for me. We'd always had a difficult relationship. Nothing I ever did was good enough, I was never going to amount to anything, blah, blah, blah.......

She'd cut me out of a previous will when I went on holiday with someone she didn't like (and hadn't even met!) when I was 27!!!!!!

When I was due to give birth she phoned me up to demand I named my daughter after her. I said I wasn't going to as I didn't like the name, and it's a middle name of mine and nobody ever spelled it correctly. I honestly and truly believe that that was the reason she changed her will.

Yes, she doesn't have to leave me anything, I get that, but why not by-pass me and leave "my" share to her only grandchildren!? That really did seal the end of my relationship with her, particularly as I found out she'd done this just after my husband had died.

I'm not talking a massive estate either, merely a normal house and possibly life insurance policies.

I strongly suggest that you get some counselling.

You need to honestly face up to the worst that could happen.
How would you feel if you spent years/decades helping her, taking her criticism and then she dies and leaves everything to your most deadbeat sibling? Maybe even having undermined your relationship with your own children?

You should also read Toxic Families, and the Stately Homes thread.

You didn't make her like this. You can't change her.

This is exactly why I wanted to check. I sat in on meeting with her solicitor and her financial advisor and got power of attorney. I am worried she will cut me out, yes. Just before we had that row she was telling me she would rather leave her money to charity than to her children. I think she was enjoying having power over me to do that. It really upset me. She’s never done anything for me in her life. My father left her very well off but she is wasting money and has no care about safeguarding it for us. My father was in control of the money all her life and she has no idea how to manage it. I reorganised her car insurance etc as she was paying about a hundred times too much.
Although she behaved gratefully she eventually became spiteful and I could see
She had no real respect for me.
I have been on the stately Homes thread in the past briefly and read some of the books. Have also had some counselling which was helpful up to a point. The counsellor has a very negative take on my mother and didn’t encourage me to try to sort things out.
less. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you. That’s awful.

In fairness, she doesn't need to safeguard her money for you.

I understand your upset, but I would just assume I was getting nothing and would walk away. She sounds toxic and likely to leave you out of the will anyway no matter what you do.

You wouldn't stand for this from a friend or stranger so why on gods earth put up with someone who is supposed to love you doing it.

I'm NC with my family because they are much like yours. Yes I grieve for what I don't have but I'm never going to have that with them. The constant put downs, dismissals and expecting me to toe the party line even when they were being nasty was fucking exhausting.

Please move away from her and put your energies into making your life as good as it can be.

I am trying to forget about inheritance and walk away . It’s more for my children who really need it.

I moved back to be closer to her because I was hoping that we could build a better relationship before it was too late. Obviously a stupid idea.

Not stupid, but sadly very unrealistic to hope for that given her behaviour over many, many years.

Your DC would presumably want you to be OK more than they will want money. None of us should count on inheritance.

“The counsellor has a very negative take on my mother and didn’t encourage me to try to sort things out” Perhaps s/he was thinking of YOU in advising you. For example the very high risk of you spending years cow-towing, to your personal (and family’s) detriment, and then receive v little or even no money.

Better to move away again, set some healthier boundaries on what you will and won’t do for your mother, and what level of contact to have. And seek to enjoy other things in your life and minimise energy spent on your mum.

Who else has power of attorney? That suggests to me that despite her behaviour she does trust you.

Yes, that was the counsellors take. I am always trying to think there must be a solution to this
But maybe there just isn’t. I look for what is driving her behaviour and try to understand it. I don’t think she’s in control sadly, and has very little self awareness.

My brother and sister . I think at the time I took over her affairs she was not really coping and was relieved. She has given me access to her financial affairs and I have led all the financial discussions with level people. Previously an aunt and a cousin had POA . Neither of whom likes her or sees much of her.
This is why I am conflicted. She is angry with me for so many things but that comes out as passive aggressive behaviour. She won’t sit down and talk about what is really bothering her. I suspect she also has the beginning of cognitive impairment. She is very lonely and bored and I think when we came back she thought she’d be seeing a lot of us and I would be going out for coffee with her etc. However when I did those things occasionally she and I really had nothing to say. So I concentrated on practical things. I think she got resentful and then got suspicious of my motives Also felt she was being treated as my father treated her - taking over and assuming she couldn’t do anything.
My daughter stayed with her for several weeks just before we moved and my mother was horrible to her. Spiteful, unkind and nasty. Projecting all her issues with me into my daughter who was vulnerable and needed support at the time.
She can be kind and has given money to help with things in the past, which is what confuses me. She is like Jekyll and Hyde. Whenever things seem to be going better she switches modes and becomes very unpleasant.
Ideally I would like to be able to sit down and talk to her and get to the bottom of her resentments. However I don’t know how to lead and direct this without becoming overwhelmed angry and attacking.
She has told my brother she prefers things as they are, but I am not sure if the truth of that. I think she feels she isn’t up to a lot of drama. I’m not either.