Dealing with lies & insults from his Ex

[DaveTheDog]

For the last two years I have been coping with my DP’s Ex and her constant lies and insults. She’s relentless...

They are divorcing and it has been a long drawn-out process of prevarication. Despite the fact that she clearly doesn’t want him, it seems she doesn’t want anyone to ‘have’ him either. He’s now taking her to court.

Before anyone suggests it - NO - I’m not the OW. He didn’t leave her for me. Their relationship was over long before we met and both of them have had other relationships. In fact she initiated their initial separation because she was seeing someone else.

From day one she’s tried to get rid of me. She’s badmouthed me to his family, friends and teenage daughter (who will have very little to do with me as a result). There’s no evidence of any of the things she says - she’s never met me - it’s all based on supposition, things their daughter says and looking at social media. I’m apparently ‘bad news’ and after his money. Utter bollocks the lot of it. Just poisonous bile.

Most days I manage to divert my attention / shrug it off. But lately I’ve been finding it relentless and affecting me more. It’s been about 20 months now.

He rarely says anything back to her and he’s been constantly denegrated as well. His solicitor advised him to just ignore it all and keep on progressing the divorce.

I’m just finding it very wearing and it’s making me angry that I have no recourse, cannot defend myself.

Not really sure what anyone here can do other than sympathise...

Why can she see your social media? I'd sort that. BLock her. Either come off it totally or lock down your settings so she can't see what you're up to.

Your h needs to grow a pair too and deal with her. It does sound very difficult, though; she sound sutterly unreasonable.

She’s not ‘officially’ on social media, but has used other people’s accounts, probably even their daughters and some mutual friends to access it. So we don’t even know who to block.

We have nothing to hide - just the fact that we are in a relationship is enough!

We both work in social media - so it’s a tricky one. Neither of us can stop and go below radar easily.

We aren’t sure how - but bits of info from private whasapp convos and emails have been repeated back to him as well.

Re: my DP defending me - I must admit I’m feeling increasingly disappointed that she continually gets away with this behaviour, but with court coming up soon, it seems he doesn’t want up inflame the situation any more - that was Solicitors advice.

Dealing with a similar issue myself although not quite as bad, so can sympathise a bit.

My DP is divorced and they've been separated for well over a year now, but his ex is clearly still hung up on it. She used to go on my social media and then write horrible and untrue things on her Instagram about me.

We got together after they'd split but she still refers to me as the OW in everything, including a blog she's started to write.

I don't know about you as it's a different situation but I think your DP not addressing it is probably a good idea while the divorce is going through. You don't want it to get even messier and prolong the divorce even more, and by giving into her stupid behaviour will do exactly that - and it sounds like it's exactly what she wants!

My advice would be 100% block her on social media and ignore her completely. Once the divorce has finalised you might find she stops trying to cause trouble. If not, I think it would be fair to ask your DP to say something.

I've told my DP I don't like what his ex is doing, but at the end of the day I try to understand that she's dealing with a very upsetting life event (whoever initiated the divorce, it's still bad for all involved) and people deal with it in different ways.

Really you can't choose how she behaves but you can choose how and if you react. Don't give into it! People who write those things publicly end up looking a little bit pathetic anyway - people will see through it.

Hope that helps!

Yes - it does help

I can’t block her though - there’s no profile to block.

She uses other accounts to look and then messages or talks other people about me. Mostly him, but family and friends as well.

Could you make your profile private so only people you choose can follow you?

The trouble with that is that I train people on social media and my accounts are kind of mixed... his is similar. Neither of us can be low profile because of work.

We’ve discussed this at length and looked at our posts. Nothing is inflammatory, no photos doing anything expensive or particularly ‘exciting’, no photos of me with her daughter or him with my kids, or anything.

In a way if she sees just the two of us doing normal things it might help her accept the situation?

I don’t think we should be forced to ‘hide’.

bits of info from private whasapp convos and emails have been repeated back to him as well

How???

If she cheated on him when they were married the divorce should be a very simple process and not have gone on this long ,

This is an awful lot for you to cope with and it's only worth continuing with the relationship if you think this guy is absolutely the best person in the world for you.

How long is it until their daughter is 18?

@tenlittlecygnets We were discussing random things / making plans and somehow some random bits of information made their way back in messages and emails between DP and this Ex - and plans were (deliberately) changed around childcare. Also an emoji we often use was sent to him in a particularly sad and nasty whatsapp exchange - along with some photos of them both at a family wedding three years ago. She was writing stuff about not letting me see her messaging - the reality was I was sat on the sofa next to him and he was showing me her messages coming in...

I have no idea HOW - I suspect it could simply be their DD accessing his phone and reporting back, but I do wonder about iPhone syncing to iPads as well.

It seems to have stopped now - since he upgraded his phone.

@Jane1978xx Yes - you’d think so!

The detail didn’t come out at the time though - it was considerably later. So ‘officially’ they’d separated because they weren’t getting on. By the time it was clear that she was having a relationship at the point they separated they were no longer living together.

They seemed to have procrastinated - as some people do. And the casual nature of both their relationships meant that it probably wasn’t really an issue.

I wasn’t prepared to be having a serious relationship with a man who was legally still married. So 5 months after meeting me he filed for divorce as a 2 year - without the stressful blame game going on.

@HollowTalk Yes I do think he is.

She’s 13 now and so obviously that’s a way to go still. Once the financials have been dealt with in court he can apply for Absolute. I think past that point she should NOT be able to get away with such appalling behaviour towards us.

I’m just wondering whether to take action NOW - as I’m so sick of hearing from him and others the crap she says about me.