Hi ladies
Quite new here but here's a brief overview in the hope of some friendly advice...
My OH and I have known each other for 6 years and officially together for 2 - we're the best of friends.
Went travelling for a lot of last year and then moved out of London when we came back to 'settle down'. I was immensely lonely in our new city and with working from home, became a bit low. He struggled to find a job he was happy with and so we decided to move back to London to where the work for him is, in turn being nearer friends so a win win really.
Over the last few months, he's struggled physically in the bedroom, and i just put this down to lack of fulfilment on the job front and with being a bit unsettled in a new city. I tried so hard to not make it about me, or us, and supported whatever he needed. He distanced himself quite a bit and slowly but surely, i wasn't going to get any unless i instigated, and when i did, he'd either turn me down or we'd start and have to stop (for obvious reasons) - a very stressful situation all round!!
When we eventually moved back to london, were back for a week and then he walked out on me on Christmas eve, said he was having doubts. It came as a COMPLETE shock to me and our families, because everything was perfect, we never argued and just genuinely had the best time in each others company. Yes there was the ED issue, but i dont know what i could have done differently in that situation. Sexual rejection is the ultimate rejection really from the one you love, but it was never a question that i wouldn't see him through whatever it was that was holding it back. Until he made me doubt myself that it was maybe me?!
The distance, the shock of him leaving, and some of the things he's said to me since are all so incongruent with the man i fell in love with and planned a future with. He's flitted between 'i dont love you anymore' to 'i have no doubt in my mind that i love you' and that's so tough. I want to distance myself, but i adore the bones of him and i think i'm holding onto what it was as apposed to seeing it for what it is now - fractious and vulnerable.
His family are very overbearing, his mother in particular. This is something i felt i dealt well with prior to him walking out, but now they are calling ME manipulative (back story: i have a psychology degree and they think that i have the mind powers to manipulate their son into staying with me - total crap), and im questionning what he's said to them vs what he's said to me. It's heartbreaking, the whole situation is just the biggest shock and i feel like my world has turned upside down and nothings come back int he same place.
We're together but he's not really 'present' if that makes sense. We're starting to have more sex, he's taking viagra and having some counselling and i'm still working and supporting the relationship. I love him deeply, but he's made me doubt what he actually wants, and the trust has been shattered. And what is a relationship without trust?
I'm turning 30 this year and i know it's in my stars to become a mother. I'm so fearful the chance will pass me by, but i know that's no reason to stay in something i'm not fully appreciated in (at least that's how i now feel!). I've had a string of long relationships and even an abusive one thrown into the mix that ended up in a very sad termination of an unplanned pregnancy... something my brother and his wife seem to punish me for as they are struggling TTC. All in all, i feel the men in my life are slowly but surely finding reasons to not have me in theirs and i'm feeling all kinds of lost.
Peace and love x