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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want him to love me

17 replies

insecureprincess · 11/02/2020 09:57

I've been with my DP for a year. I have never loved anyone like I love him but I know I'm destroying our relationship. If I'm totally honest this is the first time in my life (and I'm old) that I feel I have loved someone more than they love me and it's making me behave terribly.

I know he still has feelings for his ex because he's told me. They were together a long time and he says it would be impossible not to care about her - she moved away but they keep in touch by text. He says this doesn't change the fact he loves me but he always wants to be honest with me. Actually I feel this is too honest - I just don't want to know this. I have asked him if he ever thinks they would get back together and he says "I don't think so" Well this just kills me. So I behave like a child. I have threatened to finish our relationship- I didn't mean this for a second - I wanted him to beg me not to. Of course he didn't do that. I blank him - I block him then I plead with him to the extent he says we can't go on like this.

I know we can't go on like this but please someone just tell me how to behave. I have a very senior professional job and always behave very professionally at work / no-one would have a clue about this chaotic troublesome private life.

Please tell me how to behave. Thank you

OP posts:

PinkMonkeyBird · 11/02/2020 10:19

Ok, the fact he is honest that he still cares about his ex, is fine. But he says that doesn't change his feelings about you..and that really should be enough.

Do you know why they split, how long were they split when you both got together?

If you know that this is your insecurity, sounds like you need to explore why this is triggering you with some counselling. Have you been hurt in the past and this is why you are being insecure about his relationship with his ex?

There is no magic want to tell you how to act. You either trust the fact that he is telling you the truth that he loves you and stop obsessing about his ex or you carry on as you are and totally sabotage the relationship.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 11/02/2020 10:20

OP, very gently: by asking us to tell you how to behave, you are putting yourself in the same position as you feel with your DP - one of powerlessness.

It is very parent-child, isn't it?

And I wonder whether the dynamic you have with him mirrors in any way the one you had with a parent when you were a child. Was someone perennially unavailable? Out of reach? Showed that love was conditional?

If you want to know how to behave, get yourself into some therapy. The only person who is qualified to tell you how to behave is yourself, and therapy will help you to rediscover a connection to your own authority that you have somehow lost somewhere.

MzHz · 11/02/2020 10:23

You are worth more than this

This relationship and this man will destroy you entirely

You need to be the bravest person ever and end it.

It may be that this jolts him into realising how important you are, then you and he can resolve everything, or it has no effect on him and he just lets it all fox

Either way you will know where you stand and will make the right decisions for your future

You can’t keep living like this. It’s no life at all.

MzHz · 11/02/2020 10:23

Let’s it all go, not fox

MzHz · 11/02/2020 10:24

Lets 🙄

ahsan · 11/02/2020 10:26

My ex is the same with me he isn’t with me but has feelings for me, he’s with someone else. If I were you just be yourself he choose to be with you not her so I’d focus on strengthening your relationship in order to reduce your insecurities. He has talked about getting back with me as well 😂 will never happen though ☺️

Original poster

insecureprincess · 11/02/2020 21:44

Thanks for such sensible replies. I just don't have the confidence to finish it.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 11/02/2020 21:55

Finish this.. he's emotionally attached to someone on text... he will never fully commit.. if she came back tomorrow and said I want you back, he would go... you DO deserve better OP .. please don't be someone's second best..

Scott72 · 11/02/2020 22:07

He seems to have been honest, he's not leading her on. That he's not willing to fully commit is probably magnifying her attraction to him.

Lozzerbmc · 11/02/2020 22:37

It’s normal for him to have feelings for her but to say he “doesnt think so” re getting back with her is a major concern. I think you need a frank conversation about whether you have a future together. However he is with you though surely he would pursue her if he wanted her.? Think you also need some counselling. Good luck

MousematsRule · 11/02/2020 23:12

I disagree with PP who are saying he is with you and that's enough.

It wouldn't be for me. Would he be with you if she hadn't moved away? What would he do if she moved back? After a year together, you deserve more than 'I don't think so' you deserve an unequivicol 'no' and an 'I'm not interested in her, I want you'.

Let him naval gaze on his own watch.

You say you're behaving badly. But why are you behaving badly? Because you love someone who is hurting you.

PersonaNonGarter · 11/02/2020 23:18

Don’t have a ‘frank chat’ with him. He’s said enough.

You need to calm down. If you love someone, set them free. Do it. Stop calling, texting, arranging to meet up. Throw yourself into your work - ideally one a different country for a few months.

I think he might come back if you gave him space. But you are showering the relationship in negativity and of course his ex looks great against this carry on.

Give him space to grieve his last relationship. Then you’ll both know if it can work.

MzHz · 12/02/2020 08:57

It’s not about what you want to do, or feel confident to do, it’s what you must do, no matter what.

You can work our what’s what when you’ve done it.

Doing nothing and hoping it will improve is not the option

KundaliniRising · 12/02/2020 09:16

Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who loves another?

JillAmanda · 12/02/2020 09:23

This.

Darkpinkblue · 12/02/2020 09:55

By him being 'honest' it automatically makes him the so called good person. You can't then complain when you're upset about the situation because he'll simply say he's been upfront and honest about his feelings with his ex and you.
Sorry, he cannot be in love with 2 people.
Why would you sell yourself short and be with someone who is playing you?

booboo24 · 12/02/2020 10:53

I agree, I'd want and expect a firm NO, however I will just say that I 'love' my ex, together 23 years, an amicable split etc 2 children together, he's like a brother to me. There are NO romantic feelings at all. However if anyone asked if I'd get back with him, the answer would be a resounding no and I'd mean it

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