Was divorce worth it?

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

I’d really appreciate an answer to this question as I do wonder if what I’m losing is worth what I’m gaining.

H and I have split for almost a year but we still live together (housing crisis) and we have been getting on better than ever as friends. However, he says that once I move out, we’ll draw a line under it and move on. No friendship.

Was it worth it? For those of you who are divorced, was it worth it? I understand if your H was an a**hole, it’s worth it but what about when he’s a mixed bag, like mine?

Someone wrote in another thread that she’s unhappy but doesn’t want to leave as she’d have to live in a ‘dingy flat struggling to make ends meet’. That’s exactly what I’m facing.

I can’t imagine being intimate with H again or kissing him but in every other way, we are living well together. Thoughts or advice please.

So why are you separated?
Did you work on your relationship before deciding this?
Did you go to counselling or therapy?

Definitely worth it. I am now happily remarried to a lovely man (and xdh is happily remarried to a lovely woman). I dont know your financial circumstances but your flat it won't be dingy, you will make it lovely and homely. Taking a cut in income is a bit of a shock to the system at first but it's surprising how easy it is when you are happy and can move on with your life.

Separated because it felt like hell on Earth. No exaggeration. Spoke to him repeatedly, wrote him letters, went to two couples’ therapists and nothing changed. Every argument he would scream and/or curse at me and we don’t have the same sense of humour. He’s like a different person with me (most of the time) now but he says I’m ‘not doing all the things that drive (him) crazy.’ My habits were driving him insane and I’m trying harder now.

Thanks @Purplewithred

It really is lovely to hear stories like yours.

If no kids and he's an abusive nightmare, get it sorted and get it finalised and get on with YOUR life.
You can be so much happier.
Who gives a shit if 'he draws a line' under it!?
Good riddance.
Time for YOU.
Time to move on.

This too is stopping me from calling time on my marriage. I don't actually care about myself but my DC's lives would go from having a very comfortable life to moving schools, towns and not doing their loved hobbies as I would be broke. I have to weigh that up against ditching an arsehole. Unfortunately there is not the option of him going to work in Saudi Arabia for 4 years and seeing him a couple of times a year by which time my DC will be a lot older and I would have siphoned off loads of his cash

You can see what I day dream about.

This would be a barren life in the long term.

Better get it over with while things are still amicable.

Yes.

Some people probably thought I should have stayed with my ex. He is a good man and a good father, but we married too young and realised we were no longer in love.

And yes I did move into a dingy little flat with DS but the moment I stepped through the door of that flat I felt free. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Material possessions are no substitute for a happy life.

I'm nearly 7 years down the line, have worked hard and have just bouguy

Posted too soon.

Just bought a house so I will soon be out of said flat. I co parent and get on very well with ex, who is happy with a new partner. I have realised I prefer the single life to a relationship. And DS is a happy loved little boy.

he says that once I move out, we’ll draw a line under it and move on. No friendship.

When I read this I thought hmm, that sounds like a threat to stop you moving out or keep you in line. Then your second post confirmed that.

He is abusive, so I would leave.

My DH used to be the loveliest bloke on the planet. Honestly, I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet. Then he hit middle age and started to act like a complete arsehole. I've never liked that word but it describes him completely. Right now though I would be swapping one rubbish situation and replacing it with another so I am torn.

Yes. I lost the house we’d bought and my cat as I couldn’t take her to the postage stamp sized rental I moved into. It wasn’t dingy, it was compact easy to clean, I had alright neighbours, I chose where it was, I bought cheap pretty things, put the food i liked in the fridge, watched what I wanted, read books in the bath, made plans for my life. I was skint but so bloody happy I can’t tell you.

I’m happily remarried, we got the cat back when we bought a place and I can’t imagine life having taken another turn. But if I hadn’t met my husband I’d have been blissfully happy in my tiny sanctuary, it was MINE and I loved it.

He sounds like as shit a friend as a husband.

What do you get from the perceived friendship?

I assume you left him? It sounds like a control thing in his part.

When my ex and I split up, there was nothing actually 'wrong' but we had grown apart and neither of us were prepared to put the effort in to grown together again. We agreed to separate in the March but shared a bed right up until two days before house sale completed, (including having morning cuddles) in the July. He moved into a flat, I moved into a smaller house with children (teenagers) but we still spoke a lot and I still worried about him in the same way I had done during our marriage.

Once he started dating other women, I stopped the worrying and now he's remarried we hardly speak. Part of that is because I have moved and refused to give him my new address (he gave what I considered very personal and private information to a work colleague so I dont trust him with private stuff any more) which he thinks is unreasonable. its 5 years in July that we formally split up - I have a boyfriend that I've been seeing for nearly 3 years but have no intention of living with him and definitely never getting married again.

Yes the financial stuff is hard - I have to plan much more carefully how to spend as it all falls on me - there's no buffer of a second income if I overspend at Christmas or offsprings birthdays or food or if bills suddenly go up. I rarely go out these days and only go on weeks away (always in the UK) if boyfriend pays the bulk which goes against everything I've ever believed and takes the shine off the actual holiday.

But its so much better only having me to depend on - there's no chance of me letting myself down by not being there when I need me, or hurting me with careless words or actions.

Thanks all. Very enlightening. Since splitting he’s been much nicer. He listens when I need to talk and does so much around the house (he always did his fair share). He’s my best friend but I know in my heart, I’m not in love with him and there are no guarantees that the past behaviour wouldn’t return if we gave it yet another shot (which I actually don’t want! I think I am just perfectly happy right now even though I know it can’t possibly go on like this. It has already gone on like this for too long).