Are we heading for the end?

[SLH89]

In the last year or so my DP has changed. He has become much more selfish and doesn’t support me in any way.

He has recently reconnected with a big group of old work colleagues and is going out with them regularly.

Late last year I was going through a terrible time personally. I had fallen out with my closest friend and was feeling really lonely. I asked if I could come on one of the nights out and he said no but he would invite me next time.

I’ve made huge efforts to improve my life and I am in a much better place than I was a few months ago. He was due to go out with this group on Saturday and I asked him what restaurant he was going to with his friends. I then reminded him that he had never invited me the next time despite promising me he would.

He said to me that I was being aggressive and what he did with his friends was a matter for him. He then said like he felt I was checking up on him and was jealous of him going out with his friends.

I’m a bit flabbergasted really - I often ask him questions because he loves to talk about himself. Am I out of line here or is there something amiss?

Thanks

In my eyes it's not right if you're never included in a group of his friends. Yes it's totally fine to go out without you but there should be occasions that you go together. That's being a couple.

Is it a mixed group ? Is there a possibility that there is more to this ?

The other alarm bell is that he is turning it on you. Making it your fault. Causing you to doubt yourself.

@fuzzymoon thanks for responding. It is a largely female group which is one of the reasons I wanted to go along in the hope that I might make a few new friends. There is one other man who goes out though.

He said that when he has invited me out in the past I haven’t gone or have only stayed for a few hours. But I feel like this is different. I asked to come because I needed him to help me get through that difficult time. I feel like he has let me down.

I think he is letting you down in more ways than getting through a tough time.

He is looking for excuses for you not to go and making out you're the reason.

Why would he not want you to go ? The reasons you've given are excuses not reasons.

Red flag is waving here.

If this was the only issue then I'd say you were overreacting. I think it's quite normal to socialise with colleagues or ex-colleagues without inviting your partner - both DH and I would do this.

However you say that he's changed in other ways so maybe this is the tip of the iceberg? Can you give us other examples?

Run away! He is a total dick, dump him now.

I totally understand that it is normal to socialise with colleagues separately. Perhaps he feels a bit embarrassed about me going. I just really needed some friendly company at that time.

He is just very selfish. He has to get his own way or he gets in a funny mood. He doesn’t listen to any of my opinions.

Are you quite sure he's going out with a big group of people OP? Is he definitely where he says he is?

You and your DP seem very disconnected. How long have you been together. Do you have kids. How was your relationship when things were better. What kind of things do you do together - where's the fun, the satisfaction of shared experiences?

Hi Op, I would say to trust tour guy. If something feels off, perhaps dig a little deeper. Could you look at his phone? Would you consider couples therapy? Make yourself a priority if he isn't x

*trust your gut

WTF are you with him?
He gives absolutely no shits about you.
Or your opinions.
Or your feelings.
He's moody.
He's selfish.
He doesn't include you in things.
He gaslights you.
He lets you down.
He lies to you.
He breaks his promises.
He turns things around on you.

I think he's interested in someone in the group.
But with all those negatives, does it matter?
He brings nothing positive to your life.
What is the point of him?
Please dump and move on.
Get out there and enjoy your life.

I’m not sure of the time frame here.

A few months ago you were lonely and wanted to join their group. It appeared to be a last minute ask. I think it reasonable he said no to adding you to a group thing.

Months later, you aren’t lonely. He is now about to go out again. It’s not clear if this was the next time or not. You ask to join them. It’s implied it’s last minute again.

I can get why this happens. Groups have rules and dynamics. One rule could be no partner. As a group they may not like you. Especially if you have left them early in the past. You don’t just drag OHs along. You are not the groups responsibility.

Also on this occasion you are not going through a difficult time. When you were, I think it wasn’t right for him to take you along without notice.

He is enjoying being billy big bollox out with a group of females and you will cramp his style...

He sounds unsupportive at best and a narcissist at worst.

Are you happy? If not then get rid

I’ve never met them. He started meeting up with them last October. I asked two weeks before if I could come. It wasn’t last minute but I accepted that the arrangements had been made.

He has been out with them several times since. I didn’t ask to go out with him this time.

We’ve been together for a few years.

You “accepted that arrangements had been made” WTF? You’re his WIFE not his colleague or room mate. You should be number one and the priority in all areas of his life. I would not be putting up with this at all. My husband would not put up with this the other way around either. This is not acceptable. It’s not appropriate and it’s not decent marriage. If you don’t put each other first and include each other then who the hell will! You’re supposed to be each other’s best friends! I seriously think you’d be happier letting this selfish arsehole go and find yourself somebody who actually likes you! What the hell is the point in being with somebody who doesn’t want to have fun with you. How utterly depressing. You sound like a nice person OP. Go find yourself somebody nice. You know he’s flirting right? He’s paying these random women more attention than his own wife. It’s a big fat fucking no. I have a male colleague and we get on great. I started doing lots of out of work activities with him and my husband put his foot down and checked me on my behaviour and he was right. Would your husband be ok with you pubbing with a group of men every Saturday? I think you should call his bluff. Go on meet-up and join groups in your area. Find things like social groups and walking groups and running groups that have lots of men attending. Make it blatantly obvious that you are now prioritising socialising with other men. See how he fucking likes it. Wanker.

You're being far too reasonable. He is not just pushing the line, he is hurting you knowingly and has no intention of altering his behaviour.
Stop looking for the good in him. Stop taking the bait and giving a shit.
Quietly make your plans to leave and go your own way. He is not playing fair now and he certainly won't be playing fair in the future.
Sod him.

Thanks for your views. I do suspect he feels like I would cramp his style.

If he’d been having personal problems and I was having nights out with mainly male friends I would have proactively suggested that he came out with me.

He meets up with a group of females and does not want you there...it does not sound good. There may be a female he has an eye on that he doesn't want you to be there to ruin that interaction.

I would be furious if I was you.

Just been through very similar and now he's fucked off with another woman. So that's my guess for you.

He is just very selfish. He has to get his own way or he gets in a funny mood. He doesn’t listen to any of my opinions.

What the hell are you getting out of this shit relationship?

@redsquirrl sorry to hear what happened to you.

Sorry OP, but @poopbear is completely bang on here. He's a total wanker.

He totally disregards your feelings and actively excludes you. He's supposed to be your person, but sadly from reading here how he treats you he sounds more like your pain-in-the-arse.

My DP has a huge amount of friends he catches up with fairly regularly. I don't expect to be invited to solo dinners or every single group event, but there is no fucking way I'd tolerate being actively left out every time. If I were, I'd start wondering why - is he cheating, doesn't he enjoy my company, do his friends dislike me, and so on. That is no way for your partner to feel at your hand, and your bloke is being a right shit for doing so.

If I were you I'd go join some new groups in your area - take up a hobby or new language - dump the bloke and meet someone who will include you because they think you're great fun and want to involve you in good memories.