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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell my family about my husband betrayal

39 replies

StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 20:37

As per advice posting here: I don't know whether to give a long or short version... The short one is that I just found out by accident that my husband (of 25yrs) has been having an affair for a year with a woman overseas (not from his work but he travels there few times a year). I've been struggling with cancer for 7 years now (it returned again a couple of years ago and they've told me that it's terminal but no finite time - for now my meds work). I would leave him regardless but our DS has been struggling with depression for a few years. We finally found the right meds for him and for the last month he's the best he's been for a very long time. I can't show at all how I feel because I'm scared that it will tip our DS over the edge. I feel so helpless and resentful but can't see a way past this...

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2020 20:39

Gosh what a shock for you. And I understand why you are cautious about how to move forward given your sons situation. How old is your son?

Do you have space in your home for you and dh to live separatley?

billy1966 · 10/02/2020 20:41

OP, I think you need support and you deserve support.
Why should you internalise all of this upset.
Screw that.
Get the support from those who care for you.
💐

Original poster
StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 20:44

DS will be 18. He's already had to repeat a year (A levels) due to his MH. He was so bad that I've had to sleep on his bedroom floor for awhile, for fear that he'll try again to end it. I'm actually doing ok physically, apart from suffering of CF (can't really tell I'm ill by looking). But I don't know if or for how long I can keep pretending that things are ok. And that's what makes me resent my DH even more - that I can even allow myself to react "normally" and have to lie that all is fine...

OP posts:
fromagefreak · 10/02/2020 20:47

It sounds like you're trapped in an awful situation but can't do anything otherwise you may set your son back. At the very least I'd arrange some counselling for yourself so you can vent and also feel supported. And just be as kind to yourself as you can. Thinking of you x

Waitingforadulthood · 10/02/2020 20:51

My family is a broad term. It's clear that despite your health you are currently prioritising your ds ( wtf was your "d" h doing?! Selfish bastard!) but whilst it's clear that right now you can't tell ds- could you tell family? Mum? Sister? Friend? Because you need support. The support you are giving your ds- you need that too, from someone who loves you. You are really admirable in your care and devotion to your ds is spite of your own health, and your dh is just despicable for what he's done. Thanks for you

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/02/2020 21:37

I’m sorry to hear about your illness. Your husband betrayal just when you need him most x
I know you are trying to support your sons MH , but have you planned what will happen to him when you are no longer here?
Estates tend to pass to the spouse, but where yours is having an affair what you happen to your share if your husband remarried , died etc?
I’m sorry , but when my mum died we were very lucky she’d thought of this and got legal separation etc so her share went to us ( not divorced)

I know you want to protect your son, but his financial future is important for his MH too!

I’m sorry if this seems indelicate, but we were incredibly lucky our m7m had been brave enough to consider this

Original poster
StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 22:20

Thank you Pumpkinpie1, I will make absolutely sure any of my estate goes to the kids. I have a considerable life insurance, pension, etc and will have to get legal advice on what's the best way to ensure that none of it goes to my D(ammned)H, so that he won't be living a millionaire lifestyle with some Asian gold-digger when I'm gone!

OP posts:
Glosstwit · 10/02/2020 22:28

None of what you're going through gives you the right to be racist.

Megthehen · 10/02/2020 22:49

So unfair that you are having to deal with this on your own..as well as your own health issues and your DS's. I completely get that you are prioritising your DS's mental stability. You must be feeling desolate. My advice to you is to share, even here if it helps...much better with your real life supporters if you feel able. Do you have any access to counselling linked to your medical status? What is your OH doing now to help you and your DS? Maybe write down what you need from him if you don't want to have an emotionally charged conversation with him? Is he the supportive type? Lay down clear conditions about his behaviour and the support you expect with your son now and in the future. So sorry for you and your DS. Sending you both a virtual hug.

silkpashmina · 10/02/2020 22:51

@Glosstwit. Where has OP been racist? All she has done is state the OW's nationality and has said nothing racist.

OP, does your husband know that you know?.

Original poster
StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 22:52

Glosstwit I have plenty of Asian friends and they'd be the first to tell you that they have stereotypes for a reason. Same as my husband being fat white middle-aged man!

OP posts:
Original poster
StormySunshine · 10/02/2020 22:57

silkpashmina I found out accidentally when he was on his phone! next to me in bed. I was just waking up and glanced over. It took a sec to notice that the chat he was in was full of hearts and kisses, then saw "my love" and a Chinese name in top of the chat. So asked straight away who was he texting. After he said "oh, no one" I demanded he hands over the phone. He refused and it all spilled...

OP posts:
MadamePewter · 10/02/2020 23:02

I was on your other thread and have been thinking.

Your DS is now an adult. You need to live the rest of your life and enjoy it the best you can.

See a lawyer about inheritance law and divorce. Make a will. Throw your husband out. Tell people what he’s done. People will be great. Your DS may respond well to your honesty and preparing him for life.

Sign up on tinder/go out with friends/eat nice food/go dancing/go on holiday/go to the gym. Take your DS to do stuff you both like. Snuggle up and watch tv with him.

Make the most of what time you have, don’t waste it putting on a front no matter how good your reasons are

Krazynights34 · 10/02/2020 23:11

I completely agree with everything @MadamePewter said.
I completely understand wanting to protect your DS. My DC is disabled (seriously do) but seems very intellectually aware and I fret about what will happen when I die etc. But here’s the thing - they are separate from us.
Maybe your DS would be better off knowing, maybe you both need to just cut loose from your current situation.
Maybe you don’t need to have your husband leave - maybe ramp up your own support first, get your DS away for a while and have outlandish fun.
Of course see a solicitor etc but do not let this shit overshadow what you and your DS are going through.
What a cunt he is.
I wish you every strength and happiness

poopbear · 11/02/2020 00:06

I’ll be honest OP, practically, while you are still married he’s your next of kin. He gets to make decisions about you. You have a terminal diagnosis so this needs to be sorted. Speak to your son. He’s 18. An adult. Explain what’s been happening and that you want your estate to go to him so you are splitting from his dad. You and him can be a little team. What about other support? Family members. You now need people to rally. You really do need to divorce him on the grounds of adultery ASAP so he is no longer your next of kin and all of your money goes to your son. Your husband is an arsehole and obviously waiting it out for the inheritance.

poopbear · 11/02/2020 00:08

and just to say that we are all here for you. What a shit thing to go through. Have you been getting Macmillan support? Reach out to them and they have online support forums too. Don’t let this man ruin the time you have left on this earth. Get rid of him now

MMmomDD · 11/02/2020 00:20

I am so sorry, OP.
In your place - I’d first sorted out all the legal/inheritance bits.
Then - decided what’s best for your son.
And if it’s you staying - then stayed but lived the way I prefer. Whatever it meant.
And H can do his thing.

Original poster
StormySunshine · 11/02/2020 00:28

Thank you all, @poopbear McMillan is probably a good option, I'll definitely contact them! I didn't even think if the "next if kin" situation. I have good friends and relatives, but am an only child. I also have to step-children (older than our DS) which I'm VERY close to... It's all so overwhelmingly horrible...

OP posts:
Original poster
StormySunshine · 11/02/2020 00:30

Sorry, stupid typos, it should be "if" instead of "if" and "two" instead of "to" 😵

OP posts:
Original poster
StormySunshine · 11/02/2020 00:30

Of, of, of!!!

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 11/02/2020 12:54

Knowing how much you love him by planning for his future will be a tremendous support for your son. Although maybe not immediately obvious
You need to tell people and get a circle of friends to be there for you and your son. Is there a particular person who could act as his unofficial guardian /
Has your husband left?
I hope you can find some support here x x

Original poster
StormySunshine · 11/02/2020 13:39

@"Pumpkinpie1" - he slept in the spare room last night. I warned him that he needs to be the one to tell the kids - by Friday, since we're supposed to be going on a skiing holiday. If he doesn't, then I'll have to. He is adamant that he loves me and will do whatever it takes to win back my trust. I told him that what he wants is irrelevant. As people (and RL friends) have suggested, I need to focus on myself and DS in particular now. Don't know how I'll find the strength...

OP posts:
LouHotel · 11/02/2020 13:50

OP what has happened to you happened to my mum, nail down joint assets now before he can move them off country.

Also stress is a serious detriment to fighting cancer, you tell everyone who can support you and take up counselling. You haven't put your Ds in this position but you'll be in a better position to help him when your healthy.

BarbedBloom · 11/02/2020 13:54

I thought reading your other thread about the next of kin issue and also assets if he does end up with this woman. I think you need to divorce him and support your son. What happens if this all comes out after you're gone and he has no one around to support him.

Best to tell your family so they are prepared. Frankly if my daughter sadly passed away I wouldn't want support from the man who cheated on her and caused her such distress.

theoriginalmadambee · 11/02/2020 14:03

If your ds has a therapist could you book a consultation with him/her to discuss how to tell your ds, or even have a consultation with the therapist where your ds is told?