Who had a love that grew over time rather than an initial spark?

[Enigma85]

Hi all,

I would love to hear from people that didn't have the initial spark with somebody, but who fell in love after spending time together with a trustworthy, respectful, and thoughtful person.

I am nearly 35 and have only ever had relationships with men I am 'infatuated' with, usually because they do not make themselves totally available to me so I get addicted to the massive lows and incredible highs when they do something simple like letting me know where they are (as opposed to being ignored all day!).

After getting out of a rather emotionally abusive relationship I have started to see a man who I am very compatible with, he makes me feel wonderful, I don't feel anxious, but I also don't feel the intense feelings that I have felt for previous no good partners - which is making me worry that I don't have the right feelings for him. I think he is a brilliant person, he's funny, thoughtful, kind etc and I have a lot of respect for him. We have good sex and he does turn me on, but he doesn't take my breath away when he walks in to a room like previous partners have. I would love to think he is somebody I could develop a love for better than any other I've experienced so would love to hear from people that have had similar!

Yes that's me. We knew each other for 8 years, close friends and then decided to get married! 17 years and two teenagers later and are still happy. No initial spark or fancying. A love that grew. I wouldn't be without him.

This is me, no spark just thought I'd treat myself to a nice guy who had been a friend for a while, pregnant with our 2nd child, 5 years on, I don't know where I'd be without him.

But be warned, if you have a crazy craving for the fiery spark and dramatics, maybe sit and think about whether you're ready for a smooth sailing relationship, I almost messed things up with mine because of wanting that spark, but I was willing to get over it for a man that made me feel worth my weight in gold (and that is heavy)!!

Don't hurt him because you're bored, I say this from experience.

Thanks both they're really nice stories to read. And thanks for the advice Secretpassword, It's something I am trying to be mindful of. I know he doesn't deserve to have someone just settle for him. How long did you give it to see if something could develop?

I just don't understand why you're not mad about this guy! What is it that stops you? Do you usually go for danger? It hasn't worked for you so far, has it?

Me either Hollowtalk! He is really great! I've spoken to therapists in the past, they seem to think it stems from abandonment as a child and being hooked when somebody triggers the insecurities that I'm so used, to but who knows! I'm trying to retrain myself to 'choose' a partner rather than waiting for those feelings that just get me heartbroken.

Been with DH for nearly 20 years, we got to know each other as (unromantic) friends at uni. I like to think we grew on each other

I didn't have an initial spark with my partner, and like you was addicted to the highes & lows of previous relationships. I thought that I would be bored. Exactly the opposite has happened, I'm really enjoying the steadiness of the relationship and value & respect my partner. My feelings grow for him everyday because he is such a nice genuine person. With saying that I still expect a drama to unfold, or something to make me feel insecure. So far so good, ling may ir carry on Really wouldn't be without him

Loving reading these responses

I had ZERO spark with DH. He is my best friends little brother and always saw him that way for 15 years. He always made it apparent he was into me but I kept brushing him off. Until one day one of my other friends told me to give him a chance. And it was the best thing I’ve ever done. My love for him grew over a long period of time and I wouldn’t ever want to be with out him. We’ve been happily married now for 4 years

I didn't have a spark with my ex h but grew to love him however it wasn't enough . Looking back I realised I settled. You can find a spark without a bad boy to go with it .

@Enigma85 thank you so much for posting! can't really offer any advice as i am in a similar situation - crave and love the infatuation like you. hope it all works out for you! i couldn't agree more with your comment "he doesn't take my breath away when he walks in to a room like previous partners have" because that is what i am struggling to experience too. thank you for posting

@xxRunnergirlxx @XJerseyGirlX this thread was made for us girls!

When I first met my DH through mutual friends I thought he was to young quiet and shy for me but we spent some time together and as I'd been single for a bit I was flattered by his attention so thought I'd throw him a bone and we'd have a nice fling. 9 years later I am married to the most wonderful kind considerate caring selfless man who is also a fabulous daddy to our DD. I think it took about a year before I realised that actually this was more than a fling but now I wouldn't want to imagine my life without him.