What is wrong with me?

[MashedPotatoBrainz]

I've been NC with my mother since the brexit referendum, which was the final straw for a very overloaded camel. After that she kept sending presents for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc Every time I'd get so angry. Why does she keep sending stuff when she knows we don't want contact? It always came with a card of letter, full of bullshit, either dripping with how dare you rage or sickly sweet or complete denial. They were more often late, full of bullshit excuses, unwrapped and just came with a coating of 'don't really give a crap'.

Anyway this Christmas nothing arrived. I should be relieved because I don't want anything from her. But instead I was angry. Why am I angry about not getting something I don't want? My head's a mess. Then this morning I got notification from a courier company that they're collecting a parcel in a few days from my mother to deliver to me. So that'll be the Christmas shite, sent in the middle of February. And my head's fucked again. Because I don't fucking want it. What is wrong with me.

I think I need my own Stately Homes thread. Except I never got taken to any.

You need to decide what you actually want before deciding to go NC...you either want contact or you don’t.

If you don’t want the stuff then send it back or give it to charity.

Guessing you're angry because you feel no matter what you do, how ever much you try to distance yourself and your feelings, she always finds a way to whip the carpet out from under you.

Those sorts are always looking for a way to do that. Punching you in the gut is second nature to them.

You could send the 'gift' (read 'attempted obligation') back and refuse any further deliveries. Taking anything from her just gives her another excuse to say how good she is too you and what a horrible, ungreatful daughter you are.

Emotions are complicated things. And mean we often want things that are complete opposites.

For example
I dont want my ex back but I want him to ask me to take him back (actually I do want him back but I can't)

I suppose what I really want if for my mum to acknowledge how much she's hurt me. To genuinely recognise that when 'whatever' happened it caused me pain and she had to power to stop it but always chose not to. To sincerely say 'I'm sorry, I let you down'.

But that's never going to happen and every time she sends stuff late, unwrapped, cheap shit, insincere bullshit, she's hurting me again. Because the little girl inside me still desperately want the mum I don't actually have.

Like when I was 28 weeks pregnant and they couldn't find the heartbeat and I stupidly rang my mum while waiting for the taxi to hospital. At first she acted all concerned, asking me questions, getting information. But then I heard her door bell and it's the woman from next door popping round for a cuppa, so she hung up on me. And I know she's got this juicy information now so has no further need to speak to me, she wants to get on with 'letting everyone know what's going on'.

She never bothered to call me back, to find out how I'd got on at the hospital. It killed me when she hung up and never bothered to call me back. But she excuses as 'I'm sure you would have let me know if it'd been bad news'. How can a mother have so little concern about the welfare of her daughter and unborn grandchild? This is why there'll never be contact again because I hate her.

There are monsters in this world op and they come in many guises. And sometimes we love them...or what we want them to be... or who they pretend to be. But they can never return that love. It just isn't in them. They are only able to take and to stamp on people.

You are doing the right thing ending contact. Send the items back. Move away if you have to. Whatever it takes to get away from her poison.