AIBU to just want items put back once they've been used

[sammyanfa]

Im at my whits end and cant get my husband to see that what im saying making sense.

And it not by other peoples problems big things but they are starting to get big as he now just anwers me with something derogative and that im nagging. We both work full time but where as on his free time his out with the lads. My free time is spent washing and cleaning and running the kids to the clubs(apparently thats my choice they do clubs so i can take them) anyway....

I dont think im asking much of him to put his dirty washing in the basket and not the leave it where it comes off. Literary item by item on the way to the bathroom or on our bedroom floor, and not swearing in front of the kids. Or splashing coffee up walls as he walks around, so theres marks all up the wall and leaving his rubbish where ever he empties it out of his pockets be it on the floor on the dinning room table.

But every time i ask im nagging and i just get swearing back at me.

Every item in our house has a home, i just want those items putting back in their home once they've been used. Not left in the place where it was last used!

I would leave him, I wouldnt put up with that shit, this will be your next 50 years..........................

Oh dear God, I couldn't get past the 'that's my choice they do clubs so I can take them' comment.

What a lazy pig of a man. Get rid. Poster above is right, he will not change but you can change the circumstances.

Oh that sounds so familiar. You are the dictator are you? I guess you could get a cleaner if you can afford it but that wouldn’t solve the problem on a day to day basis. And I guess you also get accused whwn his belongings get mysteriously misplaced?

He won’t change so you have to decide whether you want to spend your time tidying after him, or live in total chaos or leave him.

What i really don’t like about your post though.... he is swearing at you? I wouldn’t have that.

Good luck OP 💐

Ltb he sounds awful

He sounds awful, but I just wouldn’t wash any clothes it in the basket for a start

I would get a big basket and put every item if his I find, pants, socks, coins, wallet, phones in it and tell him you'll continue to do so until he puts them away or in the wash basket. Don't wash anything until it's in the wash basket.

As for the coffee, I've no idea.

Tell him he can have his boys weekend/day out, but you get exactly the same the following weekend. Even if it means you having a night in a hotel on your own

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

This blog (if you ignore the fact it's written by a man who talks like he's had some sort of religious epiphany ), summed a lot up for me in my last relationship. It wasn't really anything to do with what my ex was or wasn't doing. It was the fact that every time he did or didn't do something, all it was showing me was how little respect he had for me and my feelings.

Your husband is the same, every time he leaves clothes on the floor rather than the wash basket a meter or so away, he's basically just saying he doesn't respect you enough to think about what he's doing.

In my eyes you have 2 options but it depends on what you're like really.

Option 1 - tell him you deserve better than this and leave / tell him to leave

Option 2 - if he's so unphased by the rubbish and the clothes then it should mysteriously all find its way to his side of the bed / on his favorite chair / in his car etc. Maybe coffee dripped onto his clean clothing that's hanging in the wardrobe / put away in drawers. If you're over reacting then surely he won't be bothered by it appearing wherever he would like to be

Oh wait

Option 3 - anything that's left where it shouldn't be left you consider to be rubbish and it gets thrown away (like parents threaten their teenagers with - act like a child, get treated like a child).

I'd still vote for option 1 though - you deserve better than this

In the meantime - please stop doing his washing and anything else for him. Maybe he'll learn some respect if he actually sees what you do for him

@WhatALearningCurve
That’s a really good summary. I remember trying options 2 and 3 with no result whatsoever. Only option 1 sadly. If that’s the way he has been brought up always been, he won’t change.

Thanks all, if we weren't tied with a mortgage I'd have shipped him off to his mothers by now. But I love my home.
Which my parents helped us get and really dont want to lose it. I wouldn't be able to take on the mortgage on my own.
I need to find out if i could say i dont want any maintenance as long as he pays the mortgage.

OP you have to accept that he will never change and you will be forever picking up after him or you need to leave.

I guess you will choose to stay.

Are they his children OP?

He thinks he's living at home with his mum. He's taking no responsibility for his children and he's still living a single life. He's treating you with mind blowing contempt.

You have a few options:

• Relationship counselling
• Household meeting to divide up chores. If your children are old enough, they should have chores.
• Taking it in turns to do run around for children or look into car pooling. It's better for the environment.
• You get equal time out with your friends.

Give it about three months then, if things still haven't changed, look into your options regarding the Mortgage.

He's a 'slob' - dirty lazy git.

No two ways about it.

Don't know if it would work , but everything left out in a box/basket /

Marriage is give and take.
That's both ways.

My DH is a bit thoughtless regarding his dirty clothes sometimes (although he redeems himself in other ways), but I agree with a PP that swearing at you (in front of the children?) really isn't appropriate behaviour. Seems like he doesn't respect you very much anymore. I would look into the mortgage options (quietly) so at least you know where you stand. You don't have to put up with that from him though - really not OK.

Big box for all his stuff, washing rubbish etc

When he can't find something, it's don't worry dear it's in your box.

But tbh i think I'd leave, it's not just messiness it's his attitude that you can clean whilst I go out.

I had this in a previous relationship, stuff left everywhere. I resented picking up and tidying. I didn't want to be the nag. We had a box room. I used to open the door, throw the stuff in. It got so that the door couldn't be opened at times. This was passive aggressive bullshit from me but it did make me happier than resentfully tidying up with no thanks. I wouldn't entertain any argument about it either.

However...the swearing? I doubt you can fix that easily if you've already tried and it hasn't worked, it shows a lack of respect for you. With my former partner, the lack of respect was more for the house we lived in and himself - he was happy to live like a slob and when reason was employed he didn't expect me to pick up after him when he was being slob like. He also pulled his weight in other ways - he was the main cook and shopper. I would consider your options here, sounds as though you deserve better.

Well tell him the definition of a nag is someone who is not being heard.
You have to hit him where it hurts. So would having no clean clothes to go to work/ out in poi’s him off.
Or not having a meal made for him?
Or no sex?
When he complains tell him it’s staying that way until he learns to clear up his mess and get good laundry in the basket ( then launder it). Tell him it’s not how you want things to be, but as he won’t listen to what you say, you’ve had to step up into actions.