Is the cold shoulder ever acceptable?

[BucketfulOfSoz]

Name changed for this.

So, my mother loves a drama. She’s very attention seeking. She lives alone and has very little in the way of hobbies, interests or friends. My older brother is NC with us all and has been for well over a decade. So all of her attentions are on me and my two children. I pay her to collect my youngest son from school 3 times a week, she generally will hang around and not leave and eat dinner with us.

Since I was a small child, if I didn’t behave/expressed an opinion she didn’t like/didn’t pay her enough attention or whatever, she would rage at me and then give me the silent treatment for days on end until I had grovelled sufficiently. This is something she does on a regular basis even now I am almost 40. She is increasingly more right wing and I’ve told her repeatedly that anything racist, sexist or homophobic will not be tolerated in my house and she will storm out and play the victim. She gaslights me constantly. I have put up with it for years as I feel guilty she has nobody else. Most of the time she is quite nice but will never apologise or admit she has ever done anything wrong, everyone is always out to get her.

Last week, she said I don’t go out enough and she would love to babysit as I pay her too much money. A few days later I asked if she would babysit on Friday. She went nuts - apparently I am using her, only talk to her when I want something from her, don’t care about her. She sent me a barrage of emails about how she’s so angry and upset and how I haven’t even asked her why. I’ve snapped. I just cannot be bothered to play these games any more. So I haven’t responded. At all. She has left me numerous voicemails asking if I’m ignoring her and how awful that is. I haven’t responded. Frankly, I’m enjoying the peace and quiet and deleting the emails. She has collected my son from school today and driven off without coming in. I’m supposed to grovel - but I’m not going to. My DH thinks I’m now as bad as her by ignoring her. Am I?! There is no point me saying any of this to her, she will deny everything and then refuse to speak to me for being so awful to her.

How would you deal with this?!

I’ve no experience to offer sorry but this must be v tiresome for you. I’d be very tempted not to dance to her tune and ignore her. I’m not sure I could tolerate someone who is racist I’d be worried about her corrupting my children with her views. But its v hard when its your mum....

Speak to the school and explain she is NOT to pick your dc up any more.

Don't put it past this type of abuser to use your child to force you to toe the line.

So you do think she’s an abuser? I’ve started to feel she’s emotionally abused me my entire life, but then I think I’m overreacting.

Of course she's emotionally abusive. This is why your brother, quite rightly, cut her off. I'm guessing he cut you off as you tried to get him to continue to see and speak with her?

You are exposing your children to an abuser. If you continue to expose your children to this person, you may well find that they follow your brother out the proverbial door. Is that what you want?

I've cut contact with my mother she sounds like your mums sister ! She is abusive manipulative controlling and a narcissist . So lovely when she wants to be which is what makes me feel guilty when I go no contact but I have had enough of the up down drama and I think this is the final time I will do it ! If she is causing havoc in your life take control , it's your life not hers xx

Not quite right, PicInRed, but I take your point.

Get a childminder or use after school club, then she can’t complain that you’re using her.

Yes it's abusive. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's head wrecking.
3 choices I'm afraid :

1. carry on as you are, 'grey rock' everything tiresome. Limit her damage to your children.
2. insert boundaries. Limit contact.
3. have no contact.

She will not acknowledge or apologise so going down that route will be damaging and futile.

She MAY be able to adapt slightly if you state boundaries, reward good behaviour, punish the bad.

I know all this from bitter bitter experience I'm afraid. I am at 3)