Am I over thinking my relationship!?

[Cinderella1779]

I am a single mum of twins aged 11. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. He has met my children a few time but we wanted to take things slow as he's my first partner since my divorce so it's the only partner my children have met.
My boyfriend is amazing and I love him lots and he's very kind with his head screwed on, he has his own house (I rent). He has been hurt by previous woman who have taken advantage of him with money, he has a good job and earns a good wage. He's made it clear from the beginning that he is scared of us living together (as in me moving in with him) as he doesn't want history to repeat itself. In a nutshell he's scared I'll move in get married etc and then I'll take him for half of what he haves so he doesn't have anything to pass on to his children (they are in their late teens)
When I left my ex husband I left with only my children and even through the divorce I never asked for any money or settlement so my boyfriend knows I'm not interested in his money but I think he's still wary.
I can understand where he is coming from because if it was the other way round I would be on my guard too as he's worked hard for his home.
I also talked at the get go that I would wait until my children were ready to leave home that I would consider living together, as I believe this can sometimes cause stress on all involved.
should I be worried that he's not ever going to want to commit in the future or shall I just let time do it's thing and hopefully he will see over time that I won't be interested in his money but just him!????
Any advise wod be much appreciated. Thank you

The only advice I can give you is to just be wary. I understand he’s been hurt in the past but it all seems to be about money, which suggests he puts monetary value highly on his life list and seems to be suggesting that you may not be trusted or a possible financial drain. He’s totally within his rights to protect his financial investment but this sounds as though he has zero intention of marrying you and doesn’t want to be a step dad. Are you happy living apart for nearly 10 years till your DC leave home? What do you want?

OP why didn't you get any money from the divorce? Doesn't your ex pay anything towards the children? It sounds like you had terrible legal advice.

Dump him, he obviously doesn't trust you. Why should you spend your life trying to prove yourself to him? Find someone who doesn't treat you like a potential thief.

I don't think its just money, I think its trust. You say he's bad experiences in the past, its going to take time for him to come to trust you to that level where he risks the same thing happening again. It may seem a simple thing as you already feel ready but he may take longer. If you can't be bothered then move on otherwise you need to accept it may be some time before he's ready

I agree it's not all about money. I think any decent parent wants to secure something for their children. Once bitten, twice shy.

However he is phrasing it, he is telling you something about your future with him. Which is that he intends to maintain financial independence with every intention of passing his wealth on to his children. He probably (definitely) won’t want to get married or have children with you. If you move in, you will need to support yourself and your children. He won’t give you an interest in his home unless you invest an equal amount.

Many divorced people take this view and stick to it. Most are clear and honest about it. And most, seek out partners who are in the same position and are like minded.

If you want to be with this man you need to plan for your own financial security. By that I mean pension and housing for when you retire. As well as any support you plan to give to your own children.

You're only 9 months in. Why do you need to be thinking about moving in with him at all?

I also talked at the get go that I would wait until my children were ready to leave home that I would consider living together

Well, if they're 11 now, that's at least 7 years away. Yes, you are overthinking things.

It is about money mostly. The line about women taking advantage of his wealthy by marrying and taking half is straight from a Divorced Man handbook. I mean I imagine he is talking bitterly about having to hand over half of everything to the woman he married who had his children? Or has he been married multiple times? Either way, a marriage is a partnership and you are well aware of that before you buy a house with someone or have children that things may not always be equal. If he is bitter about that then I would be wary. Its one thing to protect your assets for your DC which is easily done legally with legal paperwork especially on a house, and another to view women as taking advantage of him

Money causes a lot of resentment and not everyone wants to share it. He’s saying he’s not going to share it with another woman again and you are in a worse financial position than him

What do you want for yourself regardless if there is a man around or not?

Do you want to own your own home? Do you want to earn a good wage?

You also need to be wary. It sounds like if you moved in you would have to bend over backwards to prove you're not after his assets, and could end up making yourself and your dc very vulnerable.

So, were you to move in, you need to retain enough savings at all times to be able to move out and set up on your own again. You should not contribute to his house, repairs or furnishings.

Don't be in a rush to reassure him at your own detriment. You are probably better living apart indefinitely.

Oh come on. He’s being sensible in looking after whatever he’s had left and subsequently built back up, for his DC. Why on earth would he put that at risk again for anybody?

I don’t feel “bitter” that my exW took more of the FMH’s value when we divorced, but I do acknowledge that it set me back at least 10-15 years in loss of equity and the difficulties in getting myself back on the property ladder. You don’t have to be an MRA to recognise the financial penalties of a divorce.

Also, if the positions were reversed, nobody would be telling OP it’s a good idea to move a relatively-less-well-off man into the house she’s worked hard for. And rightly so. They’re 9 months into a relationship, not 9 years.

OP - you’re overthinking it.

It’s certainly not a good idea

And the advice would be the same to a woman. But from an emotional POV, this isn’t ideal for a future that would include marriage and blending a family. That is fine for him to be on that page and he’s open about it. But if OP does want more of a partnership then this isn’t the right man for her