Lies, can trust be regained?

[Feelingalone2020]

I think I already know the answer to this but just need to get it off my chest...

Split up with my boyfriend this weekend, been together only 1.5 years but still hurts. Feel like I've lost my right arm and it's only been a day.

Things haven't been great for a couple of months now, a big argument mid December and various little lies. We over came this and tried again to make it work, having a lovely Christmas and new year together.

Since then though, have caught him out in more stupid little lies. He lies about really benign little things that seem ridiculous. Few weeks ago he lied about having a takeaway for tea and purposely hid the evidence in a bin at work so i didn't find out. (We don't live together btw, just go round 3 nights or so a week) He tried to justify this by saying 'I didn't technically lie to you, I had every intention of cooking fresh tea like I said but then changed my mind after a late finish at work and you didn't ask after that what I had actually eaten.' I really don't care what he eats for tea, it was the fact he had covered it up, been devious and purposely disposed of evidence. We are both healthy eating and claimed he didn't want me to find out that he had not been healthy.

Goes to the football every Saturday with some of his mates. Not a problem , I know that I have to accept that football is a big part of his life and he will always put this first. Lied to me about his friend picking him up and taking him to the football and being with him all afternoon at the football, when in actual fact 1 of is friends was working that day and the other couldn't make it. He actually went to football on his own but lied and told me he had still gone with friends. I don't care if he goes on his own or with friends, he s still going to go regardless and I know this so why lie!

Told me he had cooked a lasagne for tea and eaten that after work. Nothing suspicious about that, whats not to believe. Something didn't feel right but it is stupid not to believe that and I had asked him directly multiple times what he had eaten so had plenty of opportunity to fess up. I then find out he went out to a popular restaurant chain to eat after work instead of the lasagne he told me he had cooked at home. He often eats at restaurants alone after being single so many years but I again don't know why he would lie over what he is eating!

He has tried to justify the lies by saying he feels he has to lie because I 'am paranoid and over think everything' It is true that I over think but this had only come about in recent months after the first lie was revealed. When we were happy I had nothing to over think and believed everything, why wouldn't you. I honestly believe he is not seeing anyone else and wouldn't cheat on me but the trust is gone. He also justifies lies by saying in every relationship couples don't tell each other everything. I disagree with this, the only secrets should be for nice surprises and presents etc.

When we're good we're great, he is caring and kind and makes me laugh. But a lie is a lie not matter how small and they will only snowball imo. Am I being too naive? Can the trust ever been regained? Is this the end of the road?

Why are you cross examining him about what he eats?

Whether you were overthinking before or not, you are definitely doing it now. This is not a healthy dynamic and the problem is trust and respect. You don’t have this for him. Fair enough. It’s gone and you will drive yourself to despair checking up on every inch of his life. It needs to stop and the way to do this is to end things.

For whatever reason he doesn’t feel able to tell you the truth about minor arrangements in his life. All the examples are of him changing his plans and not bothering to tell you. And to be honest he shouldn’t have to. Really he should just tell you it is none of your business what he eats or how he gets to football. You must realise this too and you say so but keep questioning his every movement. I dread to think what you are doing to check up on him. I mean did you actually go through his bin at work to confirm he had a takeaway.

I would struggle with these type of questions and I doubt I would remember all this detail to play it back to you accurately enough. This is controlling behaviour and if it continues you will destroy yourself, the relationship and probably him too.

Im not questioning him over what he eats, just in our general conversations and mesages during the day the question of what you having for dinner? Will pop up. Juat as general conversation really.
Just the same as hows work going etc
He has also put on 3 stone since meeting me so trying to lose weight together as he was good at being healthier before so i want to support him in this.

Its not what he eats i am bothered about, its the lies ha.

Man is habitual liar. Girlfriend doesn't like it. The mumsnet solution? Stop asking him anything ever.

OP, to rebuild trust he would have to stop lying for a prolonged period of time, because trusting a liar is impossible. He's not going to be able to do it.

Stay split up.

I'd be peeved if my partner asked me multiple times what I had eaten! Why are you badgering him like that? The way you both interact sounds unhealthy. You shouldn't be hounding him over trivial matters and he shouldn't lying.

He may well be an habitual liar. But he just sounds like an overeater who lies about what he eats. This is hardly an unknown phenomenon. They essentially lie to themselves as much as anyone.

The OPs approach to question and requestion won’t help. He will take it as judgement and shaming. It will reinforce his need to hide his behaviour. Whether she realises it or not.

Do you think he is feeling pressured by you to eat more healthily and lose weight?

I'm not saying its intentional pressure but would maybe explain why he is feeling the need to lie.

I am not a health conscious person and eat out a lot and snack etc too. I am technically classed as over weight so i wouldnt say there was pressure from me in regards to food. Befire meeting me, he was very over weight and then lost 3 stone thriugh diet and exercise so he can do it.

I do not badger him about what he eats, it is often the case that he will ask me first and i will just ask back for conversation.

What aboutbthe other lies that dont involve food?!
Oh and no i didn't go through the bins to find evidence he told me that when he admitted the lie. I dont smeak ariuntd to catch him out, i just go round to his house and see stuff. Im not digging to find it.

He didnt just lie about food though.

What was the point of the football lie?

Urgh. I couldn't be bothered with it. Ridiculous ..... the food I can sort of understand if hes sneaking unhealthy good and doesnt want to tell you...but the other lies too? Just weird .

It would make me wonder what else he loves about and I wouldn't be able to trust him.

I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP. I think he sounds like a dick and you're well rid

Good point, I was focussed on the food stuff but you're right, it doesnt explain football etc.

What have his past relationships been like? The reason I ask is if he has been in a controlling relationship in the past he may have become used telling little lies all of the time to make his life easier and this is a hard habit to break.

My first boyfriend aged 17 also used to lie to me about stupid little things in the first few months because he lied to his strict parents all the time and was just in the habit of doing it.

It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person is all I am saying - we are all human and are shaped by our past experiences. Maybe have a talk with him at a relaxed time and explore what makes him feel he can't be honest. I'd be tempted to give him an ultimatum though because regardless of the reasons, it can't continue or you will end up miserable and feeling like a nag. You are going to overthink because he is forcing you to and it's not your fault

Sorry, just re-read and saw you have already split, sorry OP. Still maybe worth exploring if you feel it's worth it though x

His last relationship was about 5 years ago, not sure about much detail but know that it didnt end well for him. Dont think it was controlling though. They wrre together for like 8 years.

I still do want to talk it through with him,try to get a handle on why once ive calmed down and had headspace.

Move on!!!

He also justifies lies by saying in every relationship couples don't tell each other everything. I disagree with this, the only secrets should be for nice surprises and presents etc.

There is always one party in a relationship that hides things from the other and when it's found out, you will question many things that are said to you. Not necessarily a direct question to them, but more a question to yourself.