Blaming me for his anger

[MoonshineWashingLine]

I posted another thread recently about how I had a thing for DP's friend and it was bugging me. I managed to sort this out in my own head for what it was, just a fantasy, and I think the problem is that I have deeper issues with our relationship.
In my last post I said that dp had changed so much and been great for about a year. However this morning I think the mask finally dropped and he returned to his former self, which I think is actually just his true self.

He totally lost it with me this morning because I'd forgotten his car was still in the garage. He'd only briefly mentioned this on Saturday, I said it fine for him to borrow my car but no logistics or anything else was discussed as somehow we both got distracted and I forgot all about it. Now this is an error on both our parts I know, I thought his car would be ready this afternoon so I could use I to pick the girls up from school but he had failed to communicate to me that it may not be ready. So it looks like I'm bus-ing it, which is fine. However, in between coming to this conclusion he totally blew up at me because I was fretting a bit about how I was going to sort out school pick up when he'd only announced at 8am this morning that he was taking the girls to school in my car and his car may not be ready for pick up. I don't get angry, very rarely do I even raise my voice, but because I was mildly irked at the lack of organisation and said we should have talked about this yesterday, he started shouting at me and got so bad that he even threatened to not go to work and even threatened to resign because he can't go to work angry. He upset both our girls with his raging and I ended up in tears as well. I still am. He used to do thing like this all the time but has somehow kept a lid on it for a year.

The worst thing is that he was trying to stop me taking the girls to school because he needed to talk at me in order to calm himself down, which I think is bloody ridiculous. If my asd 8 year old can calm herself down then he should be able to as well. He said its my fault he was angry and shouting in my face and it was my fault he couldn't calm down.

I don't know what to do. I've got a really important job interview on weds and I have a lot on trying to build myself a business and a career. Currently I am not earning so this is very important to me.

Now I'm so stressed and feeling awful that the kids have had to witness his awful behaviour. I hate him so much right now.

Sorry that post was a bit all over the place. I'm still quite shaken by it all

He's an abusive bully. He may have been able to keep a lid on it for a while but this is who he is and you know it, you can see it. He is abusing you, and then blaming you for that abuse. Domestic abuser 101

Get that bastard out if your life. If you don’t feel that you deserve any better that this bullying, abusive prick, surely you recognise that your children do? Your poor children have a very high chance of getting into similar relationships because, even though they will grow up terrified of upsetting him and distressed at watching their mother being treated in this way, this will what they think constituents a ‘normal’ relationship.

Don’t listen to his fake apologies, promises that he’ll change and his excuses that he’s being doing so well and it was only a blip. He’s a nasty, manipulative, bullying bastard that will emotionally destroy your children. No woman deserves that treatment and no child deserves that upbringing.

Massive, massive, massive red flag.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. This should never happen and your DC should never witness it.

Blaming you for his violent anger and threatening, controlling actions (shouting in your face and refusing to let you leave) is a classic sign of abuse.

This is HIM not you.
He is being abusive. Do you have anyone to talk to and support you? Is there anywhere you can go to get away from him?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What has kept you with this man at all?.

The other man was a mere distraction to the truth about your relationship with this current individual you are shackled to; he is abusive and continues to be so towards you. Blaming you for his behaviour is par for the course for abusers; its always the other person's fault rather than their own.

You would not want your DDs growing up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women so what is still preventing you from making a clean break?.

You and he need to be apart, there is no two ways about it and this relationship is over anyway because of the abuse within it. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Have you as yet contacted Womens Aid?

I understand that your job interview on Wednesday is important but he may well try and sabotage any and all attempts you make to try and further better yourself.

He's shown you who he is. Get him out before he turns violent.

"he started shouting at me and got so bad that he even threatened to not go to work and even threatened to resign because he can't go to work angry".

Because you were mildly irked at the lack of organisation and said we should have talked about this yesterday?

That's awful, I think you're right about the mask slipping. I'd get rid if I were you, this is no way to live (minor set backs, being turned into shouty scenes that are worse than the initial set back). And in front of your dd's too .

Do you have someone who could take dd's to school on Wed, and pick them up, so you then only have to worry about your interview? I agree he may try to sabatage it.

My ex dp was like this, and I can honestly say ds and I are 100% better off without him and his moods, and walking on eggshells all the time. He turned violent and destructive in the end, I wish I'd ended it when he started getting nasty, before it escalated to that point.

My ex used to do this before an important event.....its all about control and sheer bloody nastiness OP.
Get rid.

"He upset both our girls with his raging and I ended up in tears as well."

How can you not know what to do after typing that sentence?
Your children are affected. There is only one thing you CAN do.

Are you making plans to leave? If not, why not?

How terrified your children must be.

OP, you need to protect them and yourself.
Reach out for support IRL.

💐

It's difficult, I have very little help available so he is the only person who can take the girls on weds.

He had to go to a funeral of a school friend just over a week ago and I think that might be why he's turned angry again. Or at least that's the excuse for his anger anyway.

I feel like such a fool. I've been through all this before with my 8 year old dad. I did the freedom programme and everything. Can't believe I've let it happen again

OP, if you think your partner may make life difficult for you on Wed before your big interview then organise some strategies.

Does anyone at the school live near you? If so, can they take them? Can you organise an uber? I'm assuming they are primary school so can't go on the bus by themselves, is there an older child who can come by, collect them and they can travel on the bus with them? Is there a breakfast club where you can drop them off early?

This isn't really about you OP. You have young children, one of which is on their second abusive household. If you're in tears and upset then how do you think they feel? You can cope with this like an adult but young children blame themselves for daddy's outbursts, they tiptoe around trying not to cause trouble. It's a bloody awful way for young children to live.

His outburst may be due to you gaining independence through work. He won't like losing control. There's no way out of this OP. There's no 'cure' for abusers. You need to get some support and get out of the relationship.

I assume you're currently not working so contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247 and start making plans to leave.

Don't subject those children to another abuser OP.

Don't beat yourself up, just focus on what you're going to do next to get out of the relationship.

It's so frustrating, I have a class tonight that is relevant to my interview on weds and I really can't miss it but I don't want to leave him with the girls.

Wed's is equally awkward because the youngest is in nursery and oldest at school, no breakfast club options either.

I'm wondering if I should "accept" his apology for now for the sake of being able to get a job and being able to support the girls myself.

He is, as I thought he would, blaming his actions on the fact that he is grieving. Is that possible do you think? Could he have reverted back to his old ways because of grief?

No. Stop minimising.

No re grief causing him to become abusive again. He has always been abusive. There is always some excuse with such people and this time he cites grief (its never HIS fault is it). If it was not supposed grief it would be someone else i.e. you here supposedly setting him off. HE is solely responsible here for his actions, not you.

I also think he will actively sabotage your job seeking attempt and or interview on Wednesday as a further attempt to exert some power and control over you. He really is an unsafe individual to be at all around.

He just managed to hide his true abusive nature from you again but as is the case with all abusers it cannot be hidden indefinitely. He has not changed fundamentally in all the time you have been unfortunate enough to know him. The nice/nasty cycle associated with such abusers is really a continuous one and it does your children no favours to see this within their home. Their home should be a sanctuary; it is anything but really and you cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you and in turn them either.

After making these children cry as well they are not safe emotionally to be left with him.

"I also think he will actively sabotage your job seeking attempt and or interview on Wednesday as a further attempt to exert some power and control over you."

This. Make sure you're not totally relying on him doing his part in any part of the plan for this.

I'm not sure about the sabotaging the job thing as he has actively supported me going for this job. He didn't actually want me to quit my last job even though it was awful because he's so obsessed with money. He wants me to work so we can earn more. Me taking a short break from work was absolutely the right thing for me to do but he didn't actually want me to do it as he's so paranoid about being the sole earner. However I totally understand where you are coming from and I am now worried about it too.

I know I'm probably minimising with the grieving excuse. I just wish it wasn't like this. Things had seemed good for so long. I'm so disappointed.

I’m in a very similar situation with my H. He’s started to blame his atrocious behaviour on his potential ASD, but I can’t deny that I’m tired of it all. I’ve had enough and can’t see a way that I’d regain feelings. But then again, like you- things are just too intertwined to leave. I’m on MAT leave, we share a car, I can’t afford the house alone, even when I go back to work. It’s all such a mess. I’m here thinking of you though, hoping that you get whatever outcome you’re hoping for xxx

I empathise babynumber2. My ex blamed his Aspergers but he was worse than my current dp as he used to hurl objects around the house and put us at risk. He also called me horrible names.
They both have similar emotionally abusive behaviours though. Why do I attract these overgrown man children?!
I hope we can both find the courage to do what we know we need to do. It's very hard though.

Moonshine

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did they show you?.

These men will always try and find something or someone as a reason as to why they abuse. Some abusive men do use ASD as an excuse or reason as to why they abuse and its an extra insult to those people who are actually on the ASD spectrum. FWIW I doubt very much that your abusive ex was infact on the ASD spectrum. ASD does not equal abusive behaviour like described; abuse is about power and control.

I doubt also that Babynumber2's H is anywhere on the ASD spectrum either.

Remember also that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Such men like this current bloke and the H that babynumber2 describe hate women, ALL of them and starting with their own mother in particular.

Find it within yourselves to leave your respective abusers; your children also deserve a life free of abuse here.