Miserable in relationship

[8Chopsticks]

I am not sure what to do. I have been with my partner for 20 years. He says he can't be close to me and says I am not trying. He sleeps on the floor in his study and keeps, a microwave, fridge and freezer in there and spends all him time in there. Blames me for it. Says it's the better of 2 evils then being in the house with me. I haven't slept with him in over 15 months. Before my mum died a couple of years I asked him to visit before she passed away, he refused, he hadn't seen her her for 6 years before that. Said he was on bad terms with me and couldn't. He did go to the funeral though. When she did pass away I didn't tell him until at least a day after. I felt withdrawn from him. He says he's trying hard to fix us and I am not trying at all. He says I don't open up to him and don't have meaningful conversation. To be honest I am not even sure what that phrase means. Says I am inconsiderate and everything is fine for me because I have the run of the house. He says if things don't change he will be leaving. That's been going on for years. I am getting frustrated now and thinking I really want to run away or leave. He says I have issues. I think it would be best to break up, unhappiness is all the reason required without pointing fingers or laying blame. I know he will get angry and put blame saying he invested all this time and how inconsiderate I am. He say that breaking up is good for me not him and that he would leave and has no where to go and would leave everything for me. On paper he has as much rights as I do. He says I have our daughter and the dog but I have never kept them away from him I hate all of this. Help, what do I do and what does he mean by meaningful conversation? I asked him and he said it was obvious and I am not that dumb but just winding h up. Looked it up as well and non the wiser. I am finding it so hard to feel connected with him and try to do mundane tasks to distract myself from it all. I thinks he interprets that as I don't care but to be honest there may be some truth in that as I have become emotionally numb.

You've been with your partner for 20 years, and this has gone on for years, but how did this very odd way of coexisting develop over time ? How was your relationship before, and how and why did it change?

He sleeps on the floor in his study and keeps, a microwave, fridge and freezer in there and spends all his time in there.
This is such an extraordinary setup; how did this come about?

You haven't slept with him in over 15 months. How was your sex life before?

You say he is calling you inconsiderate and blaming you, and that he is trying hard to fix us and I am not trying at all.
What is he specificaly blaming you for, and what is he actually doing to try to 'fix' your relationship?

He says I don't open up to him and don't have meaningful conversation; what does he mean by meaningful conversation? I asked him and he said it was obvious.
It looks like communication has broken down completely, but I'm also wondering whether he has ever 'accused' you of being autistic?

Sorry, so many questions, but your relationship just seems extremely odd. Have either of you ever had any counselling? This is certainly something you should consider.

I'm also concerned about the effect all this is having on your daughter!!

I would worry that he's checked out of the marriage but is trying to sell the narrative that he's been forced out because you're so awful etc etc. Personally I'd be forcing the issue through couples counselling and/or divorce. You dont have to live like this. He actually sounds abusive or at the worst unpleasant in the way he does whatever he likes whilst criticising you, goading you and keeping you on edge.

There's something going on here and my immediate thought is that your husband suffers from depression. Not many people live on a floor with a mini kitchen set up.

Is he controlling?

Whatever it is it can't continue like this. Counselling for you both is what I'd suggest and if he didn't agree to that it would be divorce.

It sounds a desperate situation op. Do you have real life support?

Btw even if he is depressed you don't have to stay and fix him

They say there's 2 sides to every story and I can accept that I am not perfect but I don't think I am a sociapath like he has expressed. In public he is very friendly and attentive to people but has always been more quiet in private. He does have selective eating disorder so has always been awkward sharing a kitchen. Never liked cooking or preparing food the same time as me. Also very sensitive to some food smells. Pungent smells such as garlic and curry are no go foods and have cut these from my diet apart from trace amounts like the garlic in ketchup. I can't say my daughter is not affected but is now grown up and I don't discuss with her any issues. I avoid discussing anything with anyone he doesn't like it and says I will be telling people the bad and not the good. I am only posting because this is anonymous. I did go to private counseling on my own because he said I had issues but it didn't really work. It was more about trying to work out the right outcome for the individual self. He refuses to go to counseling saying what's the point if I can't speak to him now. I feel a bit trapped maybe breaking up is the best but it's working out the best way to do it. We run a business together and own a house. This could go on for years.

Get a divorce! Why do you want to continue living like this? It's completely dysfunctional.

Don’t you think you’d be happier living separately from this?! I’m not sure why you want to carry on!

For someone who says they want to stay married and says he is trying to fix it, his actions sure don't look like it.

Spending all his time in another bedroom complete with kitchen, isn't communicating with you at all.

Do you two do anything together? Watch tv, go places?

Do you think he wants a divorce but wants you to be the one to end it and file?

If he won't consider counselling I think I would have to leave. It's a cliche but you do only live once so why choose to live like this?

Once the dust has settled you'll be like a new woman reborn and you'll look back and wonder how you lived in this crazy bubble.

Start a divorce.