I don’t know how to cope with my dad

[Aminuts23]

My dad had the worst childhood anyone could possibly imagine. I have huge enormous sympathy and I can’t put myself in his head at all. I love him with all my heart. I really do.
But!!!!! I can’t cope with him. Over the years his moods have understandably been up and down. He has rages that build up over time. I’m in my 40s now so I know the signs. One is building up with me right now. There’s nothing I can do/say to prevent this. It’s coming. It’s life for me, I’ll deal with it when it arrives.
He and my DM are separating now. It’s sad but inevitable after such a long time of them both being unhappy. But he blames everyone else. He says he’s done nothing wrong. But all I can think about are times when he’s been raging and DM was crying. Mornings when he’s come into my room to apologise for the rage he had the night before. He’s called me a c**t in my own home and told me to F off. He has a group of friends who encourage him that me, my DM and my siblings are bastards and it’s all our fault. We don’t know them so they only have opinions of us that he tells them about. They’re absolutely toxic awful people and they’ve made him worse.
We’ve had periods of years when he’s been calm and happy and a lovely dad.
He’s not coping with the separation and he keeps making snide comments to me about how hard done to he is. I want to confront him with the truth but he is a manipulator and he twists things into his version of the truth. It’s all very complicated.
He needs his DC right now that he’s going to be on his own but he’s isolating us by being moody, denying responsibility and avoiding us. Plus I know he’s brewing towards another crisis. He won’t acknowledge his behaviour. He blames us all and his friends make it worse. I don’t know what to do.
He has been kind, generous and supportive over the years but that doesn’t make up in my head for the other stuff, especially because I can see he’s in complete crisis and denial mode. When he’s remorseful he loves us all, proud of us etc. The rest of the time we all allegedly victimise him and were the worst people ever. I don’t even know what I’m asking really. He won’t acknowledge there’s a problem until immediately after a blow up, then later he denies what he said. How do I cope with this? I’m sick of it. I love him so much but I could shake him. He’s throwing his family away who’ve always done our best to support him 😢

He is not your responsibility. At some point he has to lie in the bed he's made for himself - alone.

My dad eventually caused so much toxicity in my life that I had to go NC. Now I'm a parent myself, I'm even more glad I did it.

OP a lovely person doesn't have 'vile' friends. A lovely dad doesn't bad mouth his family and then report back what his vile friends have said about them. A lovely dad isn't abusive and have his family on tenterhooks at his rages. A lovely dad doesn't burden his children with his untreated mental health problems. A lovely dad doesn't isolate himself from his worried children.

He's pointing the finger at everyone else, he lacks self awareness and takes his temper out on others. He isn't capable of change OP.

Let him get on with it and start looking after yourself for a change.

You and your mum need to get some counselling. Was it your mum's idea to leave?

It's not his friends' fault.

You unfortunately have to work on letting go of your imaginary ideal dad. He doesn't exist. That means working on your own emotional boundaries too.

In terms of the man you deal with, all you can do is protect yourself. That means limiting contact generally, stopping him coming into your home, and if he does fly into a rage, getting away straight away.

You could at that stage send him a message saying that you will not accept this behaviour and you want an apology and a change in the way he acts - and with enough calm repetition and lack of engaging with the tantrums, you might eventually see him behaving himself, but you might also see him fly off the handle totally.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that?" There's a free pdf online. Its eye opening.

You will realise that he DOES have some control because he does have limits. He's just not exercising it.

I’m just revisiting this. I saw DF 2 weeks ago, he was ok, calm and chatty. Today I’ve seen my DM and she’s basically said that he’s blaming their separation on me!! Wtf! This is because a few months ago somebody told me something that DF had apparently said that was very derogatory about another family member. I told my DM and she of course used it in their argument. He thinks that’s why she’s leaving him (it’s not). So it’s my fault.
I’m just anxious on all levels now. I don’t think DM should have told me this. She must know I’ll worry about it.
I’m going to have to cut myself off in some way from my DF. Everything everyone has said is totally right. I feel upset and angry with both of my parents at the moment. I spoke to DM about DFs rages earlier when I was a child. She said it happened usually when she was out. I’m sorry but that’s just not true! That’s pissed me off too!
She’s allowed this behaviour from DF to become our ‘normal’! It’s not normal. Now I see my DB and DSIL parenting their children and I’m so proud of the family they are.
I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m just rambling. DM says she’s told DF that if he carries on like this he’ll lose me like he’s lost his relationship with my DB.
I love all my family. This conversation with DM today has set me back again 😢

He's a manipulating vile gas lighting bully and you are giving his behaviour credence by standing by him no matter what... you are enabling him OP.. you have refused to go no contact.. so you simply have to accept his abuse forever... as this is your choice.

and you're blaming of your Mother is very sad.. very sad and wrong

I strongly recommend the Stately Homes threads on here. You will get really intelligent and fair support.

I decided to have low, minimal contact with my father who is similar to yours. Like you, I have some happy memories of him being a kind and good dad too, so don't choose to cut him completely.

But what I've learned to do is feel very detached from his outbursts - to just watch them rather than allow myself to react to them, and to feel absolutely free to remove myself from his presence when his behaviour is in danger of hurting me. I will walk out of a room as soon as he starts ranting. I will refuse to answer if he tries to bait me. I have gone months without contacting him when he has behaved cruelly. The difference now is, I feel fully in control of our relationship. I'm in charge of how I handle it and how it affects me. and that is one of the most psychologically liberating things I have ever done.

You really deserve to have a similar control over your own relationship with him. You may need some no contact time. You may need to practise not responding to attacks, or hanging up the phone or walking out of the room, or the house, or driving away without any need to explain or justify your decision at any point whatsoever. Just do what makes you feel emotionally secure in yourself (not the same as emotionally secure in a given situation, which might mean appeasing him and trashing your own needs.)

Thank you for your responses. I’m feeling awful today, riddled with anxiety.
I want to be there for my DM but I just don’t think she should have told me that. I’d rather not have known. I’m not blaming her for today. I probably should have managed the conversation a bit better myself.
Urgh I just feel sick. I need to work on myself I think. Work have a counsellor we can use. I might give them a call

Blame your Mum all you need to, she has also emotionally abandoned you. You don't need to be there for her, both of them have let you down as parents in childhood. We are not here to be emotional crutches for our parents. If you want emotional wellbeing you are going to have to put firm boundaries down and put yourself first. Detach from their drama and let them sort it out. Of course you are not responsible for their break up, that is bollocks.

@Woollycardi thank you for that. I feel a bit calmer now.

OK, so they are both batshit crazy and manipulative. That's not a surprise. If she ever says something similar again about you being the cause, practise saying, 'What nonsense' like a brisk headteacher and then change the subject. Decide not to enter into their insane logic. Step back from it and start considering it with detached amusement. You can play barmy bingo if it helps. (Make a mental list of what shenanigans to expect when you visit them: you blamed for their split, him segueing from being civil into a nice rant, her making tiny vicious little asides etc. Turning it into a bingo game gives you something to do other than be the emotional punchbag for their madness.

@ellanwood she was not saying she agreed with him. Quite the opposite. She was telling me as an example of how she’s struggling to reason with him. Still wish she hadn’t told me because now am anxious about seeing him next time

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. But you're right that she shouldn't have told you. Though I understand how blurred the boundaries must get when you put up with someone like that for decades.