Sister..bully..opinions

[GoshAnon1234]

Trying to keep a long story short!

Growing up my sister was always a bully. she has done/does many things that are just plain mean. Some context - my mum had always agreed she’s a bully and said she was very jealous of me.

Over the years examples include picking on my face/make up/ hair, generally but particularly on a night out when I’ve made so much effort and she does her very best to make me feel crap. Obviously leaves me feeling rubbish! Loudly embarrassing
me in a supermarket/similar questioning if I’d washed my hair as it was so greasy/teeth as my breath smelt (in both cases I had..) another example both being in a room and a stacked up Item falling from an entirely other side of the room and the immediate response being “Hayley!!!!!!!” (Name changed..) When it was obviously nothing I had knocked over! I also get this if for example a friend cancels a plan and I’m a bit upset .. I’m told it’s MY fault and for whatever reason I have done something wrong/am just generally wrong! She had one bad period (she’s very hard and I am very sensitive so this was unusual) in which a fiancé left her and my god did I go over and beyond to help her out financially and emotionally and practically and just as much as I could for example taking out a loan to buy the flash car she wanted as her credit rating was so bad! Did I ever get paid on time- now way!

I’ve had a bad few years - suicidal, very very down and sHe knows this. Never have I even had an are you okay text.

She has ‘moved on’ with what she wanted in life partner, house, job,
Pregnancy

I have absolutely none of that and I would
Love just one.

So .. I find it so hard to be happy for someone who I have done SO much for and now has everything she wantS. Someone who has made me feel so bad and has treated me worse that anyone - she’s still horrible to me. I just can’t feel any happiness or excitement for that pregnancy/baby. To be quite honest I don’t want her on my life as she impacts negatively.

My mum now has our her on a pedestal and I feel totally worthless as I don’t have any of the things she has.

I really don’t want to attend a baby shower, buy presents, go for visits when I don’t feel a thing at all.

Am I totally wrong? You can’t choose your family, that’s what I feel. And I would NEVER be friends with her!

Lot of things now seem to be all about her and her pregnancy and to be quite honest it’s bothering me. Has anyone felt like me?

So...don't go then.
Why on earth are you trying so hard with her?
Stop trying to buy her affection too. Look after yourself. Step back and leave her behind.

This is what I need to hear..this is exactly what I will try and do, thank you. It’s tricky when (by very little) its an older sibling who presents themselves as way more confident. Thank you!

I think you need to take a big step back from your family OP.

Firstly, what's going on with your suicidal feelings? Have you received any support? What strategies are in place?

Secondly, read up on dysfunctional family dynamics (the narcissist squad will be here in a minute). Your sister sounds like the 'golden child' and you sound like the 'scapegoat.' This often happens in dysfunctional families with disordered parents.

With some distance you may find that the 'fog' clears and you can see your family for what they are. At the moment you're caught up in all the drama. You don't have to be involved in your sister's pregnancy. You don't have to see her at all.

I would go low contact and keep her at arm's length for the time being. Try to emotionally disengage, this is where their behaviour no longer affects you because you're no longer in the eye of the storm.

Thanks so much .. I’ll have a read definitely. Re suicide .. I guess I know my triggers/problems so I’ve dealt with it on my own rather than have help (feel a lot better ) ....Broken record!! But I can’t afford help and I work full Time so NHS help I can’t really take as the availability doesn’t work.

Unfortunately I’m in a place where despite my age, I can’t move on totally. I would LOVE to move from home (at 30+) but I just don’t earn enough to really. I agree distance would be fantastic. The thought makes me so excited but it’s not possible.

So low contact is what I am trying to do but it’s impossible in a household where she is so so important and currently I can’t move on from .. I just know LC will Not happen on my family

There is cheap help available OP regarding therapy. Check out some places such as training schools, Mind, your local NHS self referral service, Anxiety UK etc Do an internet search for 'low cost therapy' in your area for example: 'low cost therapy London' and see what comes up.

You're living at home which is a nightmare. Can you try Gumtree for house shares? Move to a cheaper area? See if any friends are looking to flat share or if anyone needs a lodger? There's also a scheme where you live with someone elderly for companionship. Check out Homeshare for more details.

Ill look more into therapy etc! didn’t know about homeshare! Thanks! I think I would be a quite a good companion for an older person! I don’t think anyone i know would be up for a a house share unfortunately.. I’m 31 now so I would not love to now live in a house share(students maybe) but equally understand they are sometimes great! Definitely saw the value of them when I worked in London!

I’d take a step back from it all. She sounds like a complete bitch and if you were there for baby showers/events surrounding her she would have something to say about it if you did or didn’t go. So may as well save yourself from being spoken to like shit in a room full of people and make other plans for that night. I feel so bad for you, my sisters take the piss at times but would never go to them lengths to purposefully upset and embarrass me in public.

Take some time out and work on yourself. You don’t sound very happy with yourself and your life at minute. Do you have a boyfriend or anything? Any close friends?

I remember having similar feelings to you a few years back, my friends were settling down in relationships, moving out and having babies and I was at home in my dads box room with 2 brothers I didn’t get on with, not a penny to scratch my arse with, in a mountain of debt and desperate to meet someone and start a family and I never thought it would happen but honestly, chick, hang on in there it will happen for you. I’m 28 and just had my first baby - all my other friends had kids from 20 years upwards and I really felt like the ship had sailed without me but take advantage of the time and freedom you have. Go on any holiday you want to and have a rest and clear your mind and come back a new positive you.

Forget about your sister, she sounds bitter and jealous - you have something she doesn’t have and that’s a lot of love and empathy so don’t let her drag you down to her level of unhappiness. You be the best version of yourself and shine bright!

Sending lots of hugs

HeartBurn..what a lovely message, honestly! You’re right, I thought I should go (baby shower)but actually should I?! Probably not!

No I don’t have a boyfriend or close friends. I want so much to go on holidays! I have no one to go with so I may attempt a solo holiday this year 🙈

I live in a box room but I don’t have debt! So every cloud! I’m also 31 🙈 so you’re ahead of me! Sounds like things as moving in the right direction for you 👍🏼👍🏼 Fab!! Xxxx

OP you need to get out of the house because your family have driven you to suicidal feelings. You need to start planning how you're going to get out of there. No holidays. You need to save up for a deposit and to get out of there.

Start looking for better paid work, preferably in another city. Scotland is a lot cheaper and doesn't have the same housing problem as England. This is what I'm talking about here. Move far, far away. Distance means you don't have to see your family that often, if at all.

Anxiety UK offers cheap therapy £15 an hour if you earn under a certain amount and they do Skype sessions if there isn't a therapist near you. That's just an example, you may be able to get therapy at around £5 an hour from some training schools as they sometimes have low cost clinics with senior students.

A professional house share, is not that bad. I don't like living with people either but it's better than where you are. People work long hours, sometimes they're barely at home. You just keep yourself to yourself.

Also check out what's going on in your local Buddhist centre if there's one near you. They sometimes have free guided meditation sessions or yoga. You might find that helpful. You can download 'bodyscans' and other mindful meditation resources. Try Headspace.

Not all house shares are students, my 29 year old ds is house sharing at the moment. And often people rent out their spare room to working adults to help with their mortgages.
Definitely start making plans to leave, having your independence will help with your self esteem and confidence.

To answer your question, yes I've felt like you. My sister took against me from when I was tiny, was hostile without let up throughout childhood and teenage and into young adulthood.
It helped that she moved to another country. I have NC with her but it's awkward and difficult with family tbh as they still act as if it's some childish hissy fit that will blow over.
Like you, I would never be friends with her in another walk of life and she's never been anything other than unpleasant to me, so I don't see why I would want her in my life.
Don't wait for your family to see it your way, they never will. Get out from under your mum's roof and then you can build a relationship with your mum on your own terms.
It won't be helping your mental health that this set up makes you feel powerless and as if your mum is not protecting you.
There are much brighter days ahead OP, you don't have to put up with this!

Holy crap, get out of there now! One positive side effect of being depressed and suicidal that is little talked about in the main stream world is that in the shit storm of misery there is lurking a truth about why you have ended up in this horrific place where you think you are worthless. It takes some serious self-compassion and truth talking to get there but you will. The uncomfortable truth is that it often all began with the messages you received from your 'nearest and dearest' and as they were crappy when you were young, unless they have done some major personal growth work (unlikely as they most probably are completely convinced they know everything) they still behave as shit now as they did then, as the examples you gave about your sister sound like she is still as much of a bitch now as she was when you were young.

So, it sounds like you have loads going for you, no debt? That's amazing. You're willing to try a holiday alone? Go do it! You have a job, you can access low cost therapy, you can move into a house share, with people who might not be your cup of tea but at least they won't be the people who have driven you to suicidal thoughts. Just get out of there. The only way that we can emotionally mature is by growing out and away from our family. You're learning this now, and you're still so young and have so much ahead of you so you are ahead of the curve in many ways as most of us have a massive mid life crisis and everything falls apart and we don't start considering any of these things until then. Good luck, you can do this!

Yes you've got to get away from her /them.

Have a look at ACA which may shed some light for you. Ime of similar (two sisters! Yay) it's been hard to find the right support that addresses systematic bullying /scapegoating in families. Do give ACA go.

I've also managed to get a lot of counselling/therapy at reduced rates - women's orgs eg. Google BACP to see therapists in your area, approach the ones you like the look of and ask if they offer a sliding free scale. Most do.

You'd be better off up to your neck in debt than in the nest of a toxic family. You really would. Obviously huge debt isn't the best either lol but do make it your aim to get out at your very earliest. Anything is better than this.

As you break away, by hook or by crook, you will start to come into your own. Ime the huge damage of being bullied within the family/family scapegoat doesn't entirely go away but you can certainly live a lovely and full life. AWAY FROM THEM.

*sliding fee scale

Thanks so much guys! The ideas for cheaper therapy or counselling options etc are definitely something I’m going to look into. And the Buddhism centre suggestion..there is a meditation centre very close to me so I’ll look into that.

Re moving out .. I’ve never been a risk taker and I wish I had in my twenties as I’m sure a few would have paid off! My nature is to keep saving, be sensible, buy a place etc. But I also agree I would feel a lot better living away from here. And agree, independence would so help with my confidence!

Just for clarity I can’t say my mum and sister have caused my suicidal thoughts etc. The reaction to this has been the problem and the understanding of how I have felt has been a problem also and had made me feel a lot worse. I guess my sisters criticism
of me over the years has probably not helped and knocked my confidence hence not moving on career/general life wise in many ways. I guess I would hope being immediate family they would be the most helpful but actually they rarely fail to make me feel worse!

Corduroyal - sorry to hear you’ve gone through the same. Sounds like you’ve done the right thing though, me next!

And SpringyDaff - again sorry you’ve had TWO!! Jeez .. good for you for making the changes needed. I’m defs reading your post for inspiration. Thanks so much

Thanks all..I was unsure of response but you’ve all been so reassuring x