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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I forgive him... Again...

11 replies

betterwithtea · 09/02/2020 16:59

I married my husband 18 months ago. The wedding nearly didn't go ahead when 6 months before I found messages on his phone to another woman arranging to meet for sex, they never did meet but, obviously, I was devastated. I dug a bit deeper and found a load of porn on his phone as well. I confronted my then fiance and we worked through things after a while and moved on, got married and bought a house. Obviously I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to contact this woman (or any other) ever again and I asked him not to keep watching and downloading porn, it makes me feel very unattractive, ugly and fat as I will never look like those women so it makes me very insecure. I have issues with depression and anxiety which doesn't help.

Things haven't always been perfect, we have an amazing dd but I have since suffered 4 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy which I've found very hard. My husband also works away Monday-Friday so during the week it's just me and our 6yo dd and I don't have a big local support system as our families are spread all over and we're relatively new to the area we live in.

Anyway, today I had to borrow his tablet and I found more porn and downloaded images of women in their underwear. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I'm devastated again. He promised he wouldn't do it again and it's brought back all the emotions from 2 years ago. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and the women in the pictures are so totally different from me it's made me question how he can even find me attractive if that's what he really likes.

I will never claim to be perfect but I always thought I was to him. I have a full time job and a 6yo to look after so the house isn't always perfect when he gets home on a Friday but I do my best to keep everything together. The house is normally full of love, singing and laughing all the time.

He has apologised, told me he's an idiot and promised he'll stop doing it but I'm just so hurt and feel completely unloved and unwanted.

Am I completely overreacting?

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 09/02/2020 17:05

No. He made a promise that was important for your relationship and he chose to break it. I would end the relationship. If he's a porn addict he needs to acknowledge it and get therapy. Working away and happily arranging to meet other women for sex. That would be another no. Now he's lied about this chances are high he's lied about this too

foodiefil · 09/02/2020 17:05

No.

Run.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2020 17:09

I found messages on his phone to another woman arranging to meet for sex, they never did meet

How do you know they didn't?

Happygirl79 · 09/02/2020 17:14

He isnt trustworthy
Get out before he hurts you more
Some men think if you forgive them once you will always forgive them

betterwithtea · 09/02/2020 17:15

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

To be fair I don't, for certain, from the messages he kept cancelling on her and he swears they never met but I have sometimes wondered if they did...

OP posts:
IggyAce · 09/02/2020 17:16

No I wouldn’t forgive him again, I would ask him to leave and file for divorce.

Zucker · 09/02/2020 17:17

NO

RantyAnty · 09/02/2020 17:45

No. This is who he is.

WendyWonka · 09/02/2020 18:00

I assume you went ahead and married him due to already having a DD? Otherwise I can’t imagine why you would have after he tried to hook up with another woman for sex!

Obviously you are a strong capable woman who manages alone most of the time anyway. Ditch his sorry ass and find someone who deserves you. You don’t want your DD to model her future relationships on you continually forgiving a lying, disrespectful piece of shit Flowers. He’ll only do it again and again........

Mustselfcare · 09/02/2020 18:37

No.

He's a c*nt. There is better out there for you- and being single is better, too.

Sparklyring · 09/02/2020 19:18

Run!! One a cheat, always a cheat

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