My abuser that i fled DV from is now threatening me with family court

[Tigermumma94]

This is pretty long winded and not sure where to get advice but maybe someone on here has been in my position or can tell me what to expect.

Basically four years ago I had my son, during my pregnancy my ex partner become emotionally, sexually and psychically abusive towards me and it got worse after my son was born, he would often threaten me with taking me to court and taking my son of me by using my mental health (Bipolar which is well maintained) if I left and said he would chop me into tiny pieces if I told the police or anyone what had happened.

Eventually after being moved away from family and friends by him and being isolated and kept in my bedroom with my baby and refused access to the rest of the house without an argument and seeing him turn our home into squalid conditions and refusing me access to clean I decided enough was enough and contacted womans aid and went into a womens refuge to protect my son.

After I went into refuge he started sending me £100 a month claiming it was towards our son and this continued for a little while but once I got on my feet and was rehomed he soon stopped my sons maintance payments and every month id have to email him asking for money for various things for my son as I felt it was my sons right to have that money (He hasn't paid me anything towards him since November last year and told me last time he contacted me he doesn't plan to anymore)

He didn't have ANY interest in him when he was born, he never held him, fed him, changed him or wanted to spend any time with us.
On one occasion I needed to hospital and left my son (5 weeks old) with him and after just four hours of being in hospital I had a call from him to come home as he couldn't cope (with this f'ing bratt) he said.

I came home to a baby in a really soiled nappy and hadn't been fed.
I was so upset and never felt like he would truly be safe around him.

He continuously raped me though the relationship even infront of my son as a baby which broke me so badly.

anyways after not seeing him for 3 years and only occasionally asking to see him at times which weren't suitable for a small child (7pm at night in town or 9 am on a Monday morning when he has nursery) he stopped bothering then suddenly out of nowhere I had a message about how he was so mentally ill etc and had been drug using, I didn't think much of it but later on decided to ask if he would give up his Parental rights so my partner who raises my son as his own could adopt him or something which infurated him and he said he would be taking me to court for full custody? then recently contacted me saying he wont take me to court now but he will when he wants and that basically apparently he never abused me that I abused him which is not true at all.

I just wanna protect my son and I feel like he would be too damaging and contact with my son would put my son at risk.

how will it work out if it goes to court?

I never reported to police as I was scared but have records from domestic violence helpline and refuge

Hi Tiger. I'm so sorry that you've been through this. It must bring up all sorts of emotions now that he is threatening court action. Try not to over-worry. The courts will want to put your child's interests first and seeing as he has had so little contact they won't suddenly make an order for any drastic changes. It's generally thought, but not always, that contact with a parent is in the child's best interests but not in a way that risks his or your safety, stability and wellbeing. You would perfectly legitimately be able to ask that contact is supervises by a third party (an adult you trust or in a contact centre) and you could also request that any hand overs are through a third party. You will get a chance to explain your concerns. In all likelihood, he's just bluffing and won't actually go through with it but, if he does, keep calm and keep explaining your rationale for limiting contact. You don't need a solicitor to do this but it's probably worth getting in touch with women's aid for some advice about what information to share with the court. Remember, you have been a consistent, stable force in your child's life and he is nothing but a chancer.

I'm no expert on the family courts but I can promise that this is a meaningless threat. Do you seriously believe that a man who can't look after his son for four hours actually wants residency?

Of course not. He just knows this is the thing you most dread. It's a cruel threat. If you turned round and said you were sick of being a single parent and he was welcome to have your son full time he'd back off so face he'd leave a smoke trail.

Forgot to also say - full custody for him is so ludicrous it's laughable. It's extremely, extremely unlikely that they would even entertain an overnight visit at this point.

I just worry so much because my sons doing so well now, hes settled in a good nursery and is happy and doing so well and I feel like this man is so unstable and abusive it could have long term implications if he was able to have unsupervised contact

@Tigermumma94

I do so agree with other posters that this is almost certainly a bluff [for some reason]. Can I please urge you that before anything further happens and in a calm manner [if that is possible] you set out in writing a timeline of everything that happened. As you acknowledge - I think - there was little or no report of the violence/rape at the time.

Did you tell anyone at the time. If so please speak to them in advance.

The Family Courts are better these days but there have been bad judgments. If it comes to it and if possible get legal representation If they listen to both parties without actual witnesses or evidence the court might take an unwanted "middle ground"

I can advise you.
Very simply, get yourself an IDVA. Look up the DV services in your area and make contact.
They will do a risk assessment and make you a tailored safety plan which you must follow.
From what you've said this is high risk.
The IDVA will help you fill in court papers and show you what to say and from there a court lady will contact you to discuss things. They will then make recommendations to the court.
I'm worried that he even has contact with you after everything he has done.
You'll need to comply with advice to keep safe and may well need to involve the police.
But I seriously doubt he will get or maintain contact if you dont come with the package so in going to court, he will score an own goal and make things a whole lot safer xxx

His idle threat. He contacted you as he needed something from you. To see if he could use you.

You probably won't hear from him again until he wants something.

I would block all contact for now. I'm surprised you had any contact after what you went through. But definitely get advice from your local DV service.

I have blocked him again on everything, I don’t know why I even entertained his emails etc I guess I thought I had to tell him how my son was doing even though he barely seemed to care

Contact CMS and go through them for maintenance - that way you don't need to contact him.

Does your partner really need to adopt him ?Your ex is the type that doesn’t want your son but loathe for anyone else to be called father .

Abusers love to use this sort of threat, but it will quickly be apparent that your abuser knows nothing about your son compared to you.

Any facade of 'concern' will fall away the minute anyone asked him about DS's personality, routine, needs etc.

Well done blocking him! Keep it that way and keep this abuser out of your child's life.

He doesn’t NEED to adopt him but he would love to but that’s not looking like an option now and part of me wishes I’d never asked my ex about exploring this option, I just worry if something was to happen to me he would end up with his biological father who he has no relationship with and who is a danger to him, where as if he was adopted I know his step dad would 100 percent raise him well and would be a great parental figure as he already is ❤️

His biological father knows nothing about him, even in the past I would occasionally email him with updates with how my son is getting on he didn’t seem interested and never asked how he was it was me stupidly assuming he would wanna know, my ex only wants to know or wants something to do with him on his terms and I don’t think he could ever be consistent in his life.

My sons doing so well with nursery and has a good life with me and his step dad and little brother, he’s such a happy child who’s come on leaps and id hate for any of that to be destroyed by his biological father getting access and being abusive or manipulative.

I’m really hoping it’s all just empty threats and that he will move on with his life and leave us alone