Unhappy in my marriage since baby - common I know!!

[Ickythumpp]

Just need to vent really. I’m married to a much older man and I love him, but since we had our first baby I just feel so frustrated. He doesn’t get up with us on his days off, I’m breastfeeding so I currently do all the night wakings, and then I get up just me and our daughter to do breakfast. I change all nappies. He doesn’t even sit with us for meals (he misses breakfast...and at lunchtime me and dd sit at kitchen table and he will take his to the living room). I’m trying to teach dd sitting, crawling etc and spend a lot of time with her on the floor whereas he just sits watching tv with her, on the couch, and will also sit and watch tv or on his iPhone literally all day long on a weekend. He also no longer pays me compliments - he never tells me I look cute/pretty, doesn’t compliment my clothes, doesn’t tell me he’s proud of me or that I’m a good mum etc... writing it down or sounds so pathetic but I feel I need more. I really appreciate him going out to work (I’m still on maternity but will be a sahm for a while due to cost of childcare and travel eating up 100% of my wages) but I feel like it’s not a marriage anymore, it’s like living as room mates. He is 19 years older than me (I’m 30) but honestly I don’t think he’d be any different younger. He used to be different and would compliment me, pay attention to me. I feel unhappy but hate the thought of our dd not growing up living with both of us. If I say anything to him he says he’s not going to change. Earlier I said he could have eaten his lunch with us (me and dd) and he just said well I didn’t so don’t go on about it. I was brought up in a family where my parents showed each other kindness, love and respect and I feel so trapped in my marriage now. This is not how I had envisioned family life

Was he a joyless tosser before you became parents? Why not ask him outright why he doesn't want to be around you?

He would argue he is around us, apparently being home counts... and no, he used to be much nicer to be around. It’s like now we are married with a baby he just wants to watch tv and play on his phone. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk with me and dd the other day as it was a nice day and he just flat out said ‘no’. I’m struggling internally so much as I’ve been brought up to be polite even to spouse/ family e.g, that’s sounds nice but i don’t really feel like going for a walk today love’

Who wanted this baby more op? How did deciding to conceive come about? Was she planned?

Your daughter is still very young but she will learn from you and well as her dad about relationships. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. If you stay you will show her that this current role model of a marriage is acceptable to you; you are miserable now and run ragged and her dad is an emotion less fun sponge who is treating you as her mother appallingly.

Re your comment:-
"I'm still on maternity but will be a sahm for a while due to cost of childcare and travel eating up 100% of my wages) "

This is also unacceptable. And why too are you using all your maternity leave like this; I guess he does not want to share nor wants to understand the whole concept of family money. Is this man using money to further disadvantage you; it certainly seems like it. It seems like many abusive men do, he has taken both pregnancy and birth as a means here into further trapping you to remaining with him. He thinks you are trapped and would never leave; please prove him wrong.

Do not continue to do your bit here to show your daughter such a rubbish example of a marriage. You have a choice here re this man; your DD does not and she will have to follow her lead. You are 30 now; make your 31st year on this planet a lot bloody happier going forward. How can you be helped into leaving this man?. If your parents are truly supportive they would not want to see you remain in such a marriage.

Re your comment:-
" I’m struggling internally so much as I’ve been brought up to be polite even to spouse/ family "

He is not polite to you is he?. All he cares about too is his own self; he does not have to make an effort any more and is not interested in changing things. This is who he really is, he showed you an act.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Were you raised to be a people pleaser; this state if so really does you no favours at all. He is showing you and in turn his daughter no consideration whatsoever.

Knowledge is power here; seek legal advice re your situation and make firm plans to leave him sooner rather than say several years down the line.

Bet you anything he's jealous because you no longer give him the attention he thinks he deserves - he was happy with his much younger wife when she could be at his beck and call.....have you tried just handing baby over and going out?

I just went downstairs and while baby napped wanted to spend some quality time with him and although he put his arm round me so I could snuggle up he didn’t want to take his eyes off the tv to actually pay attention to me and when I asked for just a few minutes to reconnect as a couple he flew off the handle and was angry because he’s “been with me all day” - and didn’t know what I wanted (all I wanted was a few minutes me and him no screens etc)
We both wanted a baby and she was very much planned.
There isn’t much point paying someone else to look after my child when I could be home with her though, be different if I actually had money leftover after paying travel and childcare!

Does he have any other kids ?

49 is very old to be a first time dad and I’d imagine it’s a shock to his system after being set in his routine for so many years.

I’d suspect his age would also mean he’s more tired etc... I felt the difference even with the 3 years between mine and he’s way older than me.

Sounds a bit like he’s also a bit put out you’ve taken your attention from him to give to your baby.

He’s got a teenager from his previous relationship and he’s starting uni later this year so it’s been a while since he had him!
That’s just it tho, I try to give him attention and he’s not interested! It’s not like I ignore him!

It’s not you, it’s him. This from him is perhaps why his previous relationship failed too.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You are getting something out of it so what is it?. Please do not stay with him for the sake of your child.

Why are you paying for all travel and childcare?. This is not on either.

Theres very much a point paying someone else to look after your DC whilst you work. Think about your mental health, your career, your pension. Childcare is a joint cost too, it doesn't just come from your salary. Your DD is 50% his responsibility. Why is he leaving it all to you?
So many red flags from your post, letalone the age gap. It doesn't bode well.

I'm 57. If I'd had a baby at 49 it would have been the end of my world.
I had my son at 21 and there is no way I'd have been interested in kids later on in life.
I'm sorry but it sounds like he is just not interested in family life.
In which case he should not have planned children with you. It was deceitful and wrong.

Hi OP

I'm sorry I think it sounds like your relationship is over. His reactions are not common, as per your title. Yes people are tired and snappy when they have a young child and it takes it toll on relationships - couples have less fun time together and can bicker a lot more. And it's common to read on here that each spouse feels resentful of the other for not doing as much as they should be etc. But most people want to work things out, and want to get on with their partner again etc

But this seems very different. It's like hes already checked out. He can't even be arsed to sit with you while you eat, I think that's a whole other world of indifference and disrespect. His responses when you have asked for more interaction show he just doesnt care any more.

I think it's a mistake for you to give up work. I'm sorry but I'd be prepared for this marriage to be over soon and you're going to be in a much harder place if you take away any of your choices. And surely he should be paying half (or proportionate to what he earns) of childcare.

If I say anything to him he says he’s not going to change

OK, so in a way, that makes it, if not easier, then more straightforward. You know not to waste your time trying to find the perfect way to explain how you feel, or find the secret magic words that will get him to change. He isn't interested in behaving any differently, so at least you can shortcut the months and years of pouring your energy into affecting a miraculous transformation.

So you can now think about your options, - for example :

1. split up.
2. stay married, but have your own life - emotionally detach from him, stop doing any housework or emotional labour for him, stop showing or expecting affection, plan your own social life without him, and negotiate an equal division of evenings looking after your baby so you can go out with friends, see films, do hobbies and generally have a fulfilling life.

I'm afraid I don't think there's a third option where he becomes loving and attentive. I'm sorry, op. I know it's rough.

I don't understand, why is it your sole duty to pay for child care? Does he not work? If so why is he not looking after the child? And if he is, why is he not expected to pay a relative share for the child care? Do you not share finances?

I wouldn’t quit your job, I’d keep it and I’d ask him for a contribution towards childcare because it shouldn’t all be on you.

You need to have serious words with him, it sounds like he has checked out of both the relationship with you and also parenting your DD. If nothing changes I’d be reconsidering the relationship entirely.

Did he agree before hand that you should stop work op? The fact you're justifying it by saying your salary can't pay for it, indicates either there is a significant problem and he doesn't see the child care as his responsibility, or you've been using this as a way to justify stopping working and he's not happy about it.

It does sound like he's checked out, and feels it's your role to do the bulk of the parenting, and I wonder if this is something to do with you quitting work, like he's thinking this is what you wanted so crack on.

It's hard to tell without further info, if this is he refuses to pay for child care and financially abuses you, or you've forced the issue of stopping work and he's resenting you for it.

This sounds like a very bad situation. You need to talk to him about his appalling behaviour now! It’s make or break really. Do not give up work fgs!!!!

*If I say anything to him he says he’s not going to change

OK, so in a way, that makes it, if not easier, then more straightforward. You know not to waste your time trying to find the perfect way to explain how you feel, or find the secret magic words that will get him to change. He isn't interested in behaving any differently, so at least you can shortcut the months and years of pouring your energy into affecting a miraculous transformation*

This is all spot on. I'm gobsmacked but the callous way he's behaving towards you. He's told you now he wont change so that option is out of the window. I think now you really truly need to seriously consider if you can bear to spend the rest of your life like this. From what youve said, i'd say no.
If the answer really is no, then you know what you'll have to do. It will be hard as fck but you and your DD deserve WAY better than this idiot is willing to give you so I'd get some legal advice and consider your next move.

I’m still on maternity but will be a sahm for a while due to cost of childcare and travel eating up 100% of my wages

Childcare is a shared expense - in the same way as rent, mortgage, gas, electric and so on. It's not something you should be paying 100% of - you should be jointly paying it.

Sort out childcare, keep your job, tell him that you are unhappy and that if he doesn't pull his finger out and make an effort, then you'll file for divorce.

In the meantime do not become financially dependent on him. Make bloody sure you keep working and earning.

Sorry I’m trying to answer you all in this..
With regard to wages and childcare, prebaby the way we’d done things was to just have a joint pot (since we married) and all bills and spending comes from that, if I wanted to get hair done, if he wanted to go to the pub, if I went for a night out etc, since we married we pooled our money and when going over our finances we realised that the cost of childcare plus my travel to and from work meant we were actually worse off than if I stayed home with the baby (he earns more than I do otherwise he would stay home) until baby is old enough to go to school. I didn’t have a career as such prior to having a baby because the industry I originally trained in had serious setbacks round here so I ended up in a job I enjoyed but I wasn’t exactly rolling in it. If the company I did work for hadn’t gone under then I’d be on a bigger wage and I would be looking at going back part time at least.
DH and I had discussed having kids at length, prior to marriage and prior to actually ttc, he was adamant he wanted children with me and he does love dd and loves spending time with her but he’s just useless at the non fun bits. He does 12 hour days (and so do I and then some with dd) so I’m just used to doing it all. Thing is we did have a good relationship pre baby, and he was loving and attentive which leads me to think it’s just such a shift for us both. I don’t want to be miserable forever but for the sake of our baby and the potential that things will improve I want to at least see it out til her 1st birthday. I read that marriages tend to implode in the first year after a baby’s born, I feel that at least if I give it til then I’ve given us a chance as a family and at least that way I can make plans to leave if I can’t do it anymore. I’m not saying his behaviour is correct at all, but for all our sake I’d rather be able to say I gave it a chance. And in the meantime I will come up with a plan b. It just gets me down and I know there are lots of women out there in the same boat.

You need to tell him that you're giving him until your DD's first birthday to sort himself out.
I have a friend who is in a similar but slightly different situation to you, she is older, closer in age to her partner (not married). They had a DD, he already has an older teenage DS. She gave up work. Now a few years down the line, he obviously can't be bothered with his DD, which is sad to see. He makes up for it by buying her anything she wants.
The mum, my friend, is unemployed and totally broke and lives quite a separate life from her partner despite them being officially still together. It's a weird situation.
She is having major troubles finding a job as she hasn't worked in a few years and is older.
Anyway, my advice to you is do not fall out of the job market. Even if you work part time and it doesn't seem worth it, it will be in the long run.
It doesn't sound like you can rely on this man.

I don’t think a lot of women are in the same boat where their partners ignore them and refuse to engage in family life. This isn’t a normal first year of babies life. It’s a sign of a man child who isn’t going to put his family first over his own wants and needs. It’s seen here a lot and those women usually end up leaving their waste of space partners down the line.

I think you would be beyond foolish to give up your job with your relationship how it is. Why not say to your partner unfortunately you are going to have to be worse off as a family as until you can rely on him to engage with family life you can’t give up your income source as You can’t depend on him. See if he still says he is not going to change then