Spiteful parents and social services

[Emmaloveslife]

I'm a single mum to a pre-school age child. I have my own house and live in the same town as my parents. They have been grinding me down mentally for so long that I'm having counselling (arranged through my employer) for depression. They are both deeply depressing (for different reasons), and take it out on me, verbally abusing me in front of my child, as well as making threats to report me to social services for petty things- the latest one being "I hide food" from my child. The correct story is that I limit his daily treats, instead of letting him endless sugar and junk food (as he does when with them). Meaning that I don't leave his surgary "treats" within reach, he can't just help himself to them from the kitchen. I feed him wholesome, heallthy meals and I limit the amound of junk food he eats. Absolutely my right as a responsible parent.

My mum is the main "ringleader" in these baseless accusations. She's a chronic depressive
and has been that way for approx 15 years. Refuses to get treatment and prefers to use me a verbal/emotional punchbag as that's easier than getting medical treatment . Part of her condition is that she thrives on drama, likes to sentationalise even the most trivial and innocent things. A recent example, she heard me casually mention to a friend (who shares my love of travel) how much I wanted to visit a certain country when I was young, free and about 20 years younger than I am now. These days my child is my absolute priority and plan holidays around HIM, not my own interests etc.
Anyway, next thing I knew, my mum had told a family friend: "Emma is planning move to X country and dump her son with us...".... She picks out a couple of words out of conversation then makes up her own story. She never listens to FULL conversations, yet has people repeating almost ever word several times because she's too ignorant and self-absorved to listen properly first time. (Not sure if she's suffering with dementia, parkinsons or similar as she also regularly acts shocked or surprised when hearing about things she ALREADY knows).
Unfortunately, she feeds lies to my dad (they're divorced but live near each other and keep in contact). A few days ago, she told him that I had "pinned by child to be floor and beat him up" (KNOWING full well this was entirely untrue). The truth is that he was rolling about on the floor, kicking me, hitting me and calling me a "stupid old woman" so I gave him a smack on the bum. Simple. She KNEW this as she saw it, yet phoned my dad saying she's worried about my child's safety as I had "pinned him down and beaten him up".
Her baseless allegations against me have been going on for about 3 years (ever since I left an abusive marriage), and she also sunk further into her depressive episodes after my grandma died. She is basically very bitter and resentful that I left my husband - she wanted me to stay with him (despite knowing hos abusive he was towards me. I must point out he NEVER was abusive towards our child).

Based on the above lie about claiming I had beaten my son, she sent my dad round to scream at me. He didn't even ask me a single question about what happened, he went entirely off the story of a screaming, hysterical depressive idiot who refuses to get treatment. He should have know better than to believe it (it's not the first such lie she's told). He barged into my home screaming and threatening to report me and apply for custody. He was so vile towards me that I threw him out and demanded my house key back from him. Later sent him a text to state I no longer wants any relationship with him and nothing to do with him, but will remain civil is he wants to make arrangements (either directly with me or through the courts/social services). My only sibling disowned him about 20 years ago for similar behaviour. Up till now, I've been my dad's next of kind and hold details of his finil wishes, funeral arrangemets etc but after what happened this week I'm quite certain I want nothing to do with him and won't be attending his funeral. Neither will my sibling, as he despises the man for similar reasons, all boiling down to his pig-headed, arrogant narsicissm.

Is it best that I give the paperwork back just to make him very aware that I'm not willing to have any involvement? Don't want him to be left dead and rotting in his house just because of having no next of kin, that's all.

My dad blames ME for the break of his previous marriage (not to my mum, but his 2nd wife). She was an alcoholic who went drink driving and having affairs... Claims the stress I caused them by marriage against their wishes (I married a foreign person from a very different background) drove her to drink. Obviously complete bullsh*t. I was a grown, independent woman living in another part of the country from them, so my choice to marry was of no consequence to them, only they were bitter for racist reasons.
After that wife divorced him, he was struggling to keep hold of their house (it was huge, expensive and in a country village). He tried bulling me to move in with him (with my son). I refused and said no becasue my life is already settled where I am with work, friends, commitments etc. His naricissm raised its head once again, he started having rants about how I was dooming my life to a life of misery and social deprivation. He's a snob and feels where I live is "beneath him". He became ever more resentful when I bought a house as that was the final nail in the coffin of any hopes he had of me moving to the countryside with him (to be cut off from everything, without a job, no social network etc).

My paretns constantly undermine me, insult me and generally strive to make me feel like rubbish and an inadequate parent..For the last 3 years they've been making threats to report me, but when I encourage them to do it they don't. (Suggesting they KNOW their allegations are baseless and no court would entertain them). They are simply malicious allegations by a couple of nasty, spiteful people who feel resentful that I fled an abusive marriage and made a success of life as a single mum. One of them is also threatening to apply for custody, although I'm a perfectly fit parent and no concerns whatsoever have been raised by anybody in an objective position (ie preschool staff, health care professionals etc). I have no love for either of them, but have just been trying to remain polite and tolerate them for my child's sake.
My son loves his grandparents as they are quite "nice and normal" , puttiing on a facade towards him, showering him with gifts and treats so he's bound to like them (and although I'd never say anything bad about them to him, I resent them so much and have no love whatsoever for either of them)... What options do I have to keep his relationship with them although I have no interest in a relationship with either of them. I'm not keen on tearing him away from them (only because he likes them), but at the same time I want distance. I'm already made it clear to them that the only reason they still see me is because of him. If not for him, they'd never see me again.
What's the best way I can allow those people to carry on seeing my son, but without me having to see or hear from them? Any advice? These people are vile and have put me on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

Bearing in mind that they, between them, are threatening to report me (albeit on baseless grounds), should I contact social services myself and just put them in the picture about the above? My friend has been through something almost indentical about a malicious allegation ot social services by somebody who was bitter and twisted about her happy life.
She advised to get a healh visitor (don't have one at present) and also put them in the picture about all the threats.
Is is best to do get one step ahead and contact a health visitor and social services myself?

If they are so terrible why are you and your son still around them?

My mum has contacted social services about me (we don’t speak she’s never met my baby) she’s vile and mentally unstable. I spoke to my health visitor who said their was nothing on my record but they have made a note Incase of any calls from her and that they wouldn’t be contacting me as they are aware my baby is perfectly fine I care for them fine and I am a very good mother. So it might be worth calling for your peace of mind. Defo shouldn’t be smacking his bum in front of people like that you are giving them something to say! You shouldn’t be smacking him at all but that’s my personal opinion

Imagine a friend has sent you the above thread op.
Protect yourself and your ds. You need to block them in all ways. Your ds does not need them in his life. My dps are toxic and they don't see my dc. Why would they? Imo shit dps make for shit dgps.
Break the chain before your ds is going to them unsupervised and being fed their poison..
Report them to the police if you have to. Harassment is a crime.

OP Why in the name of all that's holy do you keep in contact with these dreadful people?

You need to keep the hell away from them. Block them on all forms of contact and don't allow them access to your children. If you are approached by Social Services, explain what's going on.

These people are harmful and your child doesn't understand that. You're the adult here and you need to protect them. They do not have your best interests at heart and sound very unwell with not just depression. (Look up Histrionic Personality Disorder).

You are the parent here and your son does not have the emotional maturity or life experience. Of course he likes them; they are really buying his affections and using him too to get back at you.

If your parents are too batshit/toxic or otherwise downright bonkers for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your son too. He needs to be kept well away from your parents, he is relying on your good judgment here. You should have no further contact with these people; it is probably because of your own fear, obligation and guilt too that you have at all allowed your son to have a relationship with them in the first place. You would not have tolerated any of this at all from a friend, your parents are no different.

These people were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not fundamentally altered in all that time. It is not your fault your parents are like this. It is also likely that your mother has some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder (rather than what you state) and your dad is enabling her still even though they (unsurprisingly because disordered of thinking women like your mother cannot do relationships) have long since parted. You cannot do any sort of relationship with either of them, they are both that disordered. Its not possible to have any sort of a relationship with people like this and its of no surprise either that your sibling disowned them, you need to do the same.

I would phone the police and use them particularly if they continue to make baseless accusations; its just another way for them to exert power and control. I would also suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the Out of the FOG website.

"My only sibling disowned him about 20 years ago for similar behaviour."

Why haven't you done the same??? Toxic parents are like toxic partners, you can leave them!!! Yes you may have unfulfilled needs due to their abysmal parenting but you'll never get anything from them except pain and more pain. Nor can you rescue them. They've made their sad and twisted choices, now leave them to it.

"What options do I have to keep his relationship with them although I have no interest in a relationship with either of them."

The options are: continue to f* up your own life and that of your child by associating with these toxic nutjobs, or make plans to move away, report to police & social services, and if at all possible make plans to move away from that town. Eliminate them from your life. You will damage your son by allowing that kind of toxic mess in his life. It is your duty to protect him.

"What's the best way I can allow those people to carry on seeing my son"

WHAT???
Family can be just as vicious and harmful as friends or random strangers OP. Family is not always the safe haven it is supposed to be. You owe them nothing. Family can break you, but only if you let it. Drop the childhood baggage and get therapy to reset your boundaries.

Oh and as far as social servs are concerned, make sure you are recording all of this in writing with dates and facts.

These people are not good for you or your son. Rather than asking for help in facilitating a relationship, ask for help weaning yourself off them and going fully no contact. You will find life a lot less stressful. Your son will be picking up on the tensions between you and your parents, and this will be affecting his behaviour. You may well find that if you go no contact, the calm will have a positive effect and you will no longer feel the need to hit him. You do need to not hit him, by the way. It's appalling parenting.

You've written loads about how awful your Dad is but it's your mum who is the catalyst.

Personally l think they are both damaging and you have no idea what poison they will be dripping in your child's ear.

First of all if your child is rolling on the floor calling you nasty names and lashing out you step back and think who has been saying those things to your child? Have you been saying it or your mother?

You need out of this area and away from them because seeing them is just as damaging to your child as if you really did beat him

FYI just my opinion good luck in your choices but lace up your running shoes

Many details of how bad your parents are, and yet you still want to see them. You can't change them, so either put up with them and have a life filled with endless complaining about them ( as you've done so far) or cut them out of your life. Sometimes people get used to living the drama and it takes a lot to let it go of it. I think you've been in the midst of it for many years now. Maybe with councelling, you can find the strength to walk away.
From an outside viewpoint, you've already gone far beyond the threshold of what most people would put up with, however, you've likely been conditioned to tolerate their behaviour to a degree that others would not.

I would go no contact with both. Change the locks or move if you can.

Protect yourself and your son

There is no reasonable prospect of keeping contact between them and your son and it going well. They are abusive liars and have already made up very serious lies about you and have told you they'll go for custody of your child. You would be absolutely mad to facilitate any further contact. Cut them off completely and permanently before they can do any more damage.

Eh? why on earth do you see them?

The truth is that he was rolling about on the floor, kicking me, hitting me and calling me a "stupid old woman" so I gave him a smack on the bum.

Not a beating exactly but smacking a young child is terrible parenting. I understand people at the end of their rope doing it once and feeling guilty (because smacking just means you, the adult, have lost control of the situation and are physically taking it out on a smaller weaker child - instead of showing them how to behave properly) but you just seem to mention it as matter of fact. Is smacking how you discipline him?

Where did he learn to talk to people like that in the first place?

Your mum sounds awful so sympathies there. You should try to be better though.

Having your child see them is how they're getting all these bits of information to twist and use against you - presumably, your son is telling them his version of what happens.

I can't understand why you have anything to do with them anyway - definitely time to get both your parents out of your life.

But there were many better ways to deal with your child's tantrum than smacking him. You've simply shown him that violence is valid.

Young children are easily distracted and he will soon stop asking to see them. As his mother, you have a duty to keep him away from people and relationships which are harmful. Think carefully about allowing them to teach your son about how family relationships work, and how you in particular should be treated.

When I first cut contact with my parents, I thought that I could allow them to have contact with my children while not having any contact myself. I was wrong, because even indirect contact can be controlling, manipulative or damaging. Now I have to go through the whole stress of cutting them off again, and this time I will do it properly. I thought I was doing the decent thing, but I was just facilitating their abuse.

One last thing to consider is that an established pattern of contact and involvement in your son's life may be enough for them to persuade a court to allow them to apply for formal, court-ordered contact. Is that really what you want?

Don’t know why you’re in contact with them. What’s the point? What are they adding to your quality of life?

Your child won't remember your parents at such a young age. I'd go NC and stop the abuse. And you don't want your DC to become contaminated by your parents' abuse because he will witness it sooner or later. Break the cycle of drama and stop fueling it.

Far far too long to read. They are insane. Block them and do not contact them! Why would you be in touch with them??

Lovey, protect your child. You want their (healthy) love; you want them to love your son. It isn't going to work.

I'm sorry, but protecting your son is vital for his sake here.