Despite all the effort I still don't want to stay

[BreathlessCommotion]

Married about 12 years, 2 dc- one has ASD. It has never been an easy marriage and I have thought of leaving a lot over the years. Lots of nasty things said by him that could be considered emotional abuse. About a year ago I told him it was over and I wanted to leave. He was (surprisingly to me) devastated. He asked me to consider counselling, and I agreed. We did couples counselling for over 6 months, and it did make things better.

I was able to talk about the things that he's said that had hurt me so much, effected my self confidence etc. He was clearly upset and sorry for this and has genuinely made great efforts to change things. He was also assessed for ASD, but although there were traits there wasn't enough evidence from his childhood. But I would say he so similar to our dc with ASD. There was also mention of him being emotionally neglected as a child and the impact this has had on him.

So generally things are much better than they were, we communicate better, he pulls his weight, we feel more like a team in dealing with the dc.

However, I'm not sure its enough. I also had psychotherapy last year and one of the things cemented by this was my realising why I married DH. I had a string of relationships and some abusive ones, where I was eventually cast aside as not suitable for marriage/long term commitment. When I met DH I was in a very unstable place and he was very full on, very romantic and also very stable. He proposed within months, we lived together after 2 months and were married within 2 years, had dc1 in the first year of marriage.

I don't think I ever loved him really, we are very different. I loved the idea of what he was offering. So although things are better, I can recapture the love that wasn't ever there.

I know that if I had the money to buy him out of our house, then I would absolutely do that and end it. But I don't and he doesn't, so we would have to sell the house, rent (I couldn't afford a mortgage) etc.

What I know is that no matter how much better it is now, I still regret marrying him, I think I will always regret marrying him.

Hi OP, I'm in exactly the same position, could have written it! I had a very difficult childhood and married for security, genuinely believed I loved him enough at the time. There were a lot of red flags early on which I ignored and regret that now.

I feel for you, it's an incredibly difficult decision. My DH refused to accept I wanted to separate and we have lived together for the last year in an awkward limbo. I am terrified of being on my own but can't stay with him.

Good luck with your decision, I think if you've had counselling and still feel the same you've done everything you can. We make decisions at certain times of our lives that seem right, but we grow older and change. It's not anyone's fault, be kind to yourself x

It's on my mind whenever I'm at home. I wish he felt the same and we could agree to split and co-parent. But he was heartbroken when I last suggested it. I don't want to hurt him or the children.

But I feel so trapped.