How to help sister who keeps going for the wrong type of guy and is feeling very down

[stormchiaraiscoming]

I don't know how to help. She's very down, `having just turned 30 and feeling like everyone else is settling down, getting engaged, married or starting to have babies.

She has a great career and owns her own flat, but she wants to meet someone and start building her own family.

I have said to her in the past that her type is not working. She has a big heart but can be quite shallow and would immediately write someone off if she wasn't instantly attracted to them. She has a very set type - likes big guys who work out a lot, always goes for the same nationality (sorry being a bit vague but don't want to give too many specific details away), and it's clearly not working. She mainly meets them online, which I guess is part of the issue since you are basing everything at the outset on looks.

How can I help her feel less down? She has said she feels she is just the kind of person who isn't meant to have a husband and kids and it makes me feel sad :(

* can be quite shallow and would immediately write someone off if she wasn't instantly attracted to them. She has a very set type - likes big guys who work out a lot, always goes for the same nationality (sorry being a bit vague but don't want to give too many specific details away)*

She doesn’t exactly sound like a catch herself.
30 years old and still such a narrow criteria in a relationship is a bit.... pathetic.

Well as I said, she's on dating apps which does tend to be based on instant attraction isn't it? It's not like meeting someone in person.

Watching with interest.

I have a sister who is incapable of being on her own even for five minutes. Gets hopelessly depressed and weepy and then latches onto the next passing feckless loser.

I’ve tried taking her new places and introducing her to lots of interesting lovely people as soon as the last one has made himself scare, but within a week she finds herself loser no. 12 or 13.

The conversation always goes, “has he got a job?” “No, but...”.

I’d suggest therapy to work on those patterns, she’s setting herself up for failure

mintjulia that sounds awful! My sis isn't making that mistake thank god, it's more that they tend to turn out to be players/not after anything serious.

Counselling

She's got to broaden her horizons. Maybe some counseling to figure out why she goes for players.

Therapy.

Op she is Xenophobic and looks focussed. Until she adjusts her outlook- she is Lilley not heading for a fulfilling relationship

@Bringringbring your comments are really not helpful. She is not xenophobic, fuck off. Thank you to others for suggesting more helpful things. Do you think therapy would really help?

* She is not xenophobic, fuck off. *

* always goes for the same nationality*

Would indicate she is!

Yes counselling/therapy.

@Bringringbring Shes not xenophobic don't be ridiculous. That means you fear or hate foreigners. The OP was simply saying she is attracted to a particular nationality, for example "she likes Italian men".

The nationality thing obviously narrows the field, but does it mean lots of cultural mismatch. There are quite a few marriages including my own that have people from other countries and cultures on both sides of mine and DH family I have joked it’s like United Nations. We have Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean, Hungarian, Indian and Norwegians in immediate family. Or is it a religious mismatch as thats harder, most are atheist in my family Though my dad lived with a belief in Confucianism and I’m a Christian.

You haven’t mentioned which nationality if it is one where people are expected to marry within their own nationality then she is on a hiding to nothing. I knew someone that was a secret GF, she had no idea for a while but he would only ever have married and had dc with a woman from his own background, arranged marriage still take place within this guys cultural background.

Simple. You don’t help her. You are not her saviour. She is an independent grown up and does what she wants. If she continually chooses players then she will be played. If she never learns from her own mistakes then let it be. Some people can’t be helped.

@Ikora our family is very multicultural, also a bit like the united nations! It's not a problem in terms of marrying someone from the same either because we are mixed ourselves, and she always goes for guys from one of them.

Is it a nationality that tends towards arranged marriages, so she's wasting her time because they're unlikely to pursue a serious relationship and marriage with her? Or is that not it?

Although I don't agree with everything in "The Rules" i think it can be s useful book in terms of outlook; has she read it?

Also "why men love bitches" and "he's just not that into you".

The latter has a cheesy title and the film is silly but the book is really surprisingly excellent.

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. She seems to have a rather shallow and very narrow pool of men from which she won’t deviate. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The only way she will learn is by realising her strategy is t working. This is a lesson she’ll have to learn from making her own mistakes. If she won’t listen to you - what else can you do? I’m afraid I agree that she doesn’t sound like a great catch herself either- what is SHE bringing to the table if she has such narrow views on who is worthy of dating g her?

You can't do anything. She needs to, unfortunately, be burned enough times for her to change her mind on her own.

All you can hope for is while she's dating these losers she meets someone in person who is a slow burner and makes her realise that 'types' are lame.

And if that doesn't happen? It's on her. All you can do is advise from the background and not get invested.

So there is cultural understanding that’s good. I don’t really know what to say then I was thinking it may have been just lack of knowledge. So seems it’s more of a personality type she likes. I’m guessing that they are probably in love with themselves. It’s good to look after ourselves healthwise but they may be a bit self obsessed by the sound of it.