Ex texts me constantly

[Lamborghini]

So I left my ex about 15 months ago, bad break up and he took it really hard but we get along just fine now, have two kids who are 6 and 9. He has very little to do with the kids apart from seeing them sometimes when they're at his parents when I'm in work but hey ho that's life. Anyway, he texts me constantly and it's really getting on my nerves. It's nothing bad, it's friendly texts like news articles, videos he thinks are funny/interesting etc, but if I don't reply he gets funny and asks if I've been asleep (i work a lot of nights) or if my bf is down and generally wants to know why I'm not replying. I don't like to say I'm not replying because I'm not fucking interested as I want to keep a good relationship for the kids but I really feel like saying that. If I do reply, it's with something like 'haha that's funny' and nothing to encourage much conversation.

When I've not replied before for a while and he's asked why, I've told him it's because I'm fed up of how often he texts me and he takes offence and then I get something like 'fine I won't text you anymore' and I reply with 'ok great' and a few days later it starts up again!! I suspect he has some sort of aspergers type disorder as he's never been great with social cues and sometimes he talks and talks when it's clear the other person isn't interested anymore and it used to be really embarrassing going places with him because of this.

Any suggestions what I can do or is this something I'm probably going to have to put up with? I don't want to upset him but it gets me down to look at my phone sometimes and see 4 or 5 texts from him about bollocks I'm not interested in!! Thanks

OP I'm sorry to hear your ex is harassing you. There's this invention called 'blocking'. You obviously haven't heard of it. It's where you 'block' someone from being able to contact you via text, social media or phone.

When you block the number or username, they can no longer text you. It means that you don't have to see unwanted text messages. There's this thing called 'email' it's like a letter but it's online, on your computer. You can communicate with your ex via email if you share children and have to discuss them.

HTH

How about every time he texts you, you reply with “When do you want to have the children next?”

I’d reframe it in my head first

I think he sounds very selfish. He has virtually no involvement with hi kids so there s no need to text you
He’s doing it for his benefit. And you don’t like it

Why should what he wants take priority over what you want??? It sounds like it will make no difference to your DC

So I would tell him straight. You are busy, working running a house and sole parenting. You want to spend your down time relaxing. You are not able to respond to his messages. Tell him you feel the same about memes etc you revive from anyone not just him. Then follow through. If he sulks let him. Block if necessary.

Your sanity is more important than his inability to follow social cues.

I don't like to say I'm not replying because I'm not fucking interested as I want to keep a good relationship for the kids but I really feel like saying that.

Who cares about your relationship with him when he doesn't bother his arse having a relationship with his kids?

He could have Asperger - or he could just be controlling. He's using coercive and controlling behaviour, and its illegal.

Its harassment and unfortunately you can't actually stop someone from harassing you, you can only react to it.
You've tried asking him not to and he isn't taking that on board, so your choices are to put up with it, try to restrict his communication, or escalate with help from an outside agency such as the courts and police.

You could get a cheap PAYG phone that will only do calls and texts, give him that number and block him everywhere else. Don't reply to any of his texts that aren't about the kids.
If he chooses to sulk or kick off (and he probably will) how far will he take it? Will he stop paying maintenance? Will he get violent?

TheInebriati - he's not the violent type although I suspect he would threaten to stop my maintenance if I told him to stop texting me with bollocks.

To others who have mentioned it - he never has the kids (they don't like him anyway so they wouldn't want to go there) but he still pays half when needs be for stuff like uniforms and expensive things the kids want/need plus with the shifts I work I need to keep on good terms with him and his parents because I couldn't continue to work the odd hours I do if I had to get childcare so it's not as simple as block and move on. And I need to work the night shifts and weekends to be able to afford to live.

You don't need to 'block and move on' you communicate via email. He doesn't know you're not receiving the texts because you don't tell him. He won't receive a message saying they've not gone through.

If he stops maintenance then organise it through CMS.

No one is saying cut contact with his parents OP.

You say he never has the kids but then say you need him because you don’t want to use child care? So he has them or he doesn’t?

Would his parents stop looking after their grandkids if he kicked off?

Sorry I wasn't very clear - his parents have the kids when I'm not in work and from stuff that happened during the break up, I am quite sure that if I changed my stance on communication and maintenance with him that things change with regards to the child care from his parents too.

Could any of the funny’s or light- hearted articles be of interest to your 9 year old? So answer a text about the looming storm with “I will pass your comments about the weather to xxxx. S/he is quite interested in meteorology”. So you don’t engage with him, the important relationship should be with his DC.
And use official channels for maintenance, don’t rely on his ‘goodwill’.

Choose 3 bland replies which you can rotate and repeat which involve little effort on your part. It's kind of passive agressive but hopefully he'll get the message.

Why do you think his parents would stop the childcare arrangement?

I could’ve wrote this myself. My ex does exactly the same. Although he does see our daughter every weekend, whenever I have said I’d like communication to tone down in the past he then becomes angry and demands to change the arrangements with our daughter and threatens me with court.
It really is ridiculous and I’m at a point where the idea of me ever meeting someone else fills me with dread because of what his reaction will be. He openly says how annoyed he will be if that were to happen.
In his case it’s all about control, your ex seems like he’s not over you or he’s very lonely. Either way you have my sympathy as it’s a pain in the a** to deal with.

Text

Only text me about our children, no other text messages will be replied to.

If he starts up again ignore

If he asks by text

Ignore
If he asks in person - I explained only texts about dc

It’s hardly a good relationship if he hardly sees the dc.

Set up a WhatsApp group with his parents in called kids or something and tell him to only communicate in that group as you only need to speak about the kids

If you don't want to be blunt I'd employ the use of the thumbs up 👍 every single time over and over again. And I'll really enjoy sending it too (pretending it was a middle finger) he's getting a response, he can't complain...

Does he have any friends might text u as no one else to text or talk to

I'd go with the emoji response as per pp. It seems simplest given the situation.

How long do you see yourself being reliant on the gps' babysitting? I'd be looking to change jobs etc to remove that tie.

Personally I’d just tell him the truth; that you’re only interested in receiving and engaging in communication specific to your DC. I also think other pp’s suggestions about email comms only is good. It’s less intrusive and instant I think. That’s why I have done with my ex. It does make things dramatically easier and nicer actually.

He's controlling you. Is that also why he's an ex?

If you want to reduce his power over you then look at what changes you can make to break free of his control. He won't change of his own accord.

What would happen if you changed your number and gave the new number to everyone else, so he only had your old number to contact you and you only checked it once a week for anything child related and only responded to that?

It's really tedious seeing people excuse or minimise abusive and controlling behaviour with amateur ASD diagnoses. It does a huge disservice to people living with ASD.

He's not doing anything special or unusual that other coercive control abusers don't do, so let's just call it what it is rather than stigmatising people with ASD.