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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says I am an abusive bully...

42 replies

BellaBicycle · 08/02/2020 23:39

I am going through a divorce, my stbxh has been most of our marriage, he has half-heartedly admitted to a lot of things, but this has taken him until now, whereas before he would say I am making it up, or imagining it. Anyway, he has started to do some ‘new’ things which I wanted to ask mums-netters opinion on. He is desperately trying to talk me out of it, saying he loves me so much etc, and that I should stay with him, because he has been so patient and put up with my abuse bullying and victimisation of him since day one of us being together, and he has been walking on eggshells since he met me. I ask him why he stayed with me all that time if I was so bad, and such a bully, he says its because he loves me too much. It just does not make sense to me. When I challenge him by saying it’s not healthy to be like that he will say well I love you and that helps me ignore your abusive bullying behaviour. I’m honestly so confused by this. I am not going to change my mind, no matter what. What is he doing? Is this gaslighting? Is this EA as well?
Thank you x

OP posts:

category12 · 09/02/2020 14:39

You can separate while in the same house. You would need to untangle finances, and not doing any cooking for him, no washing etc, and sleep separately. If you have a spare room, I would move into that immediately, if you haven't already.

But anyway, his behaviours are continuing, so the last incident of unreasonable behaviour is not outside of 6 months.

SharkAttack1972 · 09/02/2020 15:54

Be careful when talking about him saying u are abusive! It sounds like he is wanting to record as evidence that you were abusive to him!

slipperywhensparticus · 09/02/2020 15:58

My ex did this ripped our son out of my arms taking my fingernails with him tiny scratch on his arm he was going to have me arrested apparently shoved my daughter into a set of ladders too but that was her fault for getting in his way

We are almost divorced because he fucking delayed it for 5 years

AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/02/2020 16:09

Classic projection, which undoubtedly he will be unable/unwilling to own.

Original poster

BellaBicycle · 09/02/2020 16:45

My friend called the police without me knowing after I sent her a screenshot of his message to me asking her if I was overreacting because he told me I was. She was so worried she called the police. In his message he said I was a drama queen who had gone too far and would now see the consequences.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2020 17:05

If you leave you DC in this situation you'll be a bad mother. Please put them first

septsapp · 09/02/2020 19:24

I could tell he was abusive from just the title . It's a classic

Shouldbedoing · 09/02/2020 19:42

I'm recently divorced and used wikivorce and the .gov divorce websites. You can be legally separated under one roof..Finances often require it. You must ruthlessly cook and food shop only for yourself, do not do his laundry, sleep separately etc. You can even claim benefits as a single person in this situation.

Shouldbedoing · 09/02/2020 19:47

Actually the govt website on divorce is really informative. The reasons for unreasonable behaviour there are surprisingly minor 'he would not join in with family occasions which embarrassed me' was one I could have used. I understand the fear of wasting £550 court fees on your petition, but have a good Google at the govt website.

Shouldbedoing · 09/02/2020 19:49

www.gov.uk/search/all?keywords=Divorce&order=relevance

pointythings · 09/02/2020 19:54

It sounds to me like his unreasonable behaviour is ongoing, and as said above, reasons can be relatively minor as long as there are several. In addition to my late husband's alcohol addiction, I mentioned his not pulling his weight at home, not engaging in family life and not being there for his DDs. It was enough to get the divorce through.

Whatever the ins and outs - and I am seeing classic DARVO from him - you would be so much better off without him.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 09/02/2020 20:01

It is classic gaslighting!

It puts YOU on trial, you're supposed to prove to him now that you're not abusive. That opens up dialogue and sucks you back in. He can't control you or manipulate you if there's no dialogue so he needs this.

My advice is to sit with discomfort of him thinking you're abusive. Defend yourself, legally, if you need to. But learn to not react to his accusations.

user18463585026 · 09/02/2020 20:13

Coercive control is a crime.

Occupation order?

Original poster

BellaBicycle · 09/02/2020 21:06

It would be so hard to prove coercive control??

OP posts:

category12 · 09/02/2020 21:25

Well you have him making threats and friends being so worried they call the police. If you haven't already, start keeping a log of incidents, start a paper trail. Speak to your GP, speak to domestic abuse services.

What did you say to the police? What did they say about it ?

Scott72 · 09/02/2020 23:13

This is classic gaslighting, a form of subtle abuse. He's lying about your past behavior to mess with your head. But even if this is, technically, against the law, looking at it from the police's perspective it would be very hard to prove. It might be enough for a restraining order, but I don't think enough to get him arrested.

Northernparent68 · 10/02/2020 07:50

Aida is right, I’m not sure how other posters are so sure the OP was the victim not the aggressor.

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