Single for first time mid 30s and feel, lost

[Vintagehearts]

being in relationships since a teen?

I had my "first love" whom I was with for 5 years as a teen. Then got in a serious relationship for 10 years where I married and had 2 dc. Then got divorced and had a short rebound relationship which turned out to be abusive. Now I've just come out of a 3 year relationship where I truly loved him and thought he was the one so it's come as a shock. He had various mental health issues and didn't commit like I would have liked (live together etc.)

I'm in no place to want another relationship, I feel exhausted. I'm so lost and sad and scared. I don't know how to be single, I don't even think I like men. I don't have much of a network of friends, I just want to hide away but at the same time I'm lonely.

I'm just, lost.

It sounds difficult but just remember: this too shall pass. Take a deep breath. I know from experience that it can feel overwhelming, so pick one piece of your life that you want to rebuild at a time.

Go totally NC with your ex and take dating off the table for a set amount of time — maybe a year? Now think of that time as marked out in your diary, exclusively to build the life you want.

You say that you feel lonely. Starting with friendships might be a good. Can you strengthen existing ties? Get back in touch with people you let fall to the wayside when you were in a relationship? You’ll be amazed how many people would love to reconnect when the offer is there.

Good luck!!

Thank you 🙂

I just read this and wanted to reply. Met my first ex when I was 17, moved to LA with him. Fell pregnant at 19 and wanted to come home to have baby and be around family. Ex wasn’t impressed. Then went on to have another dd. He worked away and only came home at weekends. He went back to work when dd2 was 10 days old.
In the end I decided this wasn’t for me. Lived on the house u til he could pay me my share 18 months later and moved out but had already let someone in that time. I felt a lot of pressure to let him meet my girls and when I moved into my own place let him move in with me. He used to get in a bad mood if I asked him to contribute or not want him to move in so I stupidly let him.
2014 we had our own dd who is amazing but then in 2017 I decided enough was enough.
I got into a relationship soon after and just before Xmas thought I can’t do this and am now trying and enjoy life just me and the kids.
My ex moved straight in with another woman and now had an 18mth old.
We don’t have to put up worh this x

Yeah I went on dating sites and just thought no way! So I’m ‘trying’ to concentrate on myself and my girls (it is hard) x

The thought of dating sites fills me with dread. I met my ex on one which was fine. But the thought of going through all the bullshit just makes me want to hibernate. I felt truly elated when I met my ex, like I had finally found my life partner. I can't imagine feeling that way again about anyone and this break up has truly floored me. I didn't even feel this bad when I got divorced from the dcs dad after 10 years together. I almost don't want to feel that elated about anyone again because the feeling of it all going wrong terrifies me. I learnt in the last year that I have a fear of abandonment. This break up has accentuated that.