Should we stay together?

[mumcop]

I dearly love my DH of 12 years. We have young children 6 and 9. His a great Dad. And works hard for us.
But we have just grown apart. I'm desperately sad about this.
It's been going this ways for years. Over sex drives are completely different which Iv always found frustrating. But something Iv learnt to live with. But sex has pretty much gone out of our relationship the past year.
We spend very little time together just us. Neither of us making the effort anymore.
From my side Iv just stopped bothering because I think what's the point. I get nothing back even if I make the effort. He just seems like he can't be bothered.
I've spoken to him many times. He always says the right things but nothing changes.
I feel like his pushed me away emotionally and sexually.
We don't kiss goodnight.
We never go to bed at the same time.
When we do sit together in the evenings he can't keeps his eyes off his phone.
He was so romantic when we first got together but that lasted 2 years tops!

I also feel like another one of his children at times. Everything is his way on his terms. Nothing happens unless he wants it to!
His the main earner and I definitely know it!

Sorry for long rant!

You dearly love him but he does what he wants when he wants and makes no effort with you?

You dearly love what he used to be, but sounds like you're very angry with his present self.

He works very hard for you. I assume you also work very hard for him?

And perhaps you also feel unappreciated, since you are made to feel like one of the children and not his partner.

If you want things to change, you need to change things.

Will he agree to joint counseling? Have you considered counseling for yourself?

Hard to know if you should throw in the towel unless and until you've explored all options to improve things.

Good luck.

I do. His kind and funny. And good Dad.
Maybe I worded it wrong. He doesn't do what he wants when he wants. But things have to be in his own time. When his ready. Booking holiday, home improvements etc.

Jesus, you just described my marriage completely. Therefore no advice but you are not alone. I think about leaving all the time as I'm sick of feeling unloved but I stay. Mainly because of our DS/finances etc. I just want to be hugged once in a while , that's all

mumcop

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You are getting something out of it still so what is it that keeps you with this man at all?. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; that a loveless marriage could become their norm too?. You are certainly doing your bit here as well as he to show your children that a mutually respectful and loving relationship is not their birthright.

He is also not a good dad either to his children if you as their mother are treated like this.

Women in poor relationships like described often write the "good dad" comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Whose sake are you staying for; theirs or really more likely your own because its somehow "easier" for you than to actually make a clean break. Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

Divorce isn’t failure, but living in unhappiness is.

Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

It also sounds like he lords it over you with money too.

I should have left my 'D'H over 20 years ago. But I didn't.

First because I didn't want to break up the family.

Then because I was trapped (due to emigrating, which I had consented to because I was hoping for a new start).

Followed by several years of inertia, more fear, believing in hope over experience....

Don't be me!!

How is he kind to you? Do your needs matter? Does he want to know you?

Some people do deliberately detach from their partner as a means of control. If you are starved of affection and feel unimportant will you be able to assert yourself? It can be passive aggressive behaviour to delay projects which are important to your partner.

The first 2 years can be love bombing

Thanks for you're replies. Definitely mad me think!
It's almost like we are two friends bringing up children together. When we actually have to spend time together holiday, days out etc his good fun. We do have a giggle together.
But very little affection.
Our last holiday we didn't have sex once!

I'm just so scared of making a mistake by leaving. I'm not scared of being alone. But I'm scared of missing him. I really do love him and believe he loves me.
It's just such a shitty situation 😔

So you are living in a sexless marriage. And what does he actually do every evening when he can't keep his eyes off his phone? Sooner or later he'll have an affair.

At which point you will kick yourself for having stayed. Don't wait for this to happen. Split while your relationship is still amicable.

I can't imagine him having an affair. I really can't! I think his lazy when it comes to sex. He just can't be arsed! We are stuck in a rut. And Iv given up trying because of rejection!
Maybe I'm putting my head in the sand. I really don't know!

I can't imagine him having an affair. I really can't! I think his lazy when it comes to sex. He just can't be arsed!

You mean he can't be arsed with you! Sorry if this sounds both crude and hurtful, but there is no point beating around the bush. I bet he is on all kinds of pornographic and/or OLD websites, and sooner or later he'll stray.

I think you have basically 2 choices - making a concerted effort to get out of this rut and back on track (assuming he is interested and willing...), or making the very difficult decision to bail out now.

What is his parents marriage like?

I think before separating you could try couples counselling as you need the clarity about ending a marriage. If the issue is "just" lack of affection, could he have a medical issue?

The fact you laugh together is a good sign as shows some level of connection. It is easy to get into a rut so divorcing for this reason would be a waste. Divorce is painful and expensive so not something to do lightly unless there is abuse.

His parents are very happily married. Mine are divorced. It still makes sad and it's been 30 years!
I might look into counselling. I really don't want to lose him but I'm not happy with how our life together is turning out.

He may be having an affair. That could be why he has no emotional or sexual energy or desire to invest in the marriage. If he is, he'll lie about it, no matter how honest/decent you think he is or how against his principles affairs are. You can ask him of course, but he'll say no whatever the case is. I'd try to get a look at his phone and see what the fuck he is up to all evening every evening on it.