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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP! I knew this would happen!

35 replies

harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:00

I have moaned on here before (sorry) about worrying i was taking too much on doing degree, working in stressful job and doing voluntary work and today i have had a funny turn. I started flipping this morn when i got up, got the kids breakfast started getting ready, showered etc, came down to find he hadnt even made a start getting kids ready and had just got them and himself some toast, none of them dressed and me due to leave for college in 20 mins! Which i should just add that the kids go to creche there and i need him to take us in as i dont drive. This is nothing new as when he has to be at college/work i get up with the kids, do breakfast, get them ready etc, while he stay in bed for a bit, goes in the bath comes down and read the paper, then gets ready and goes out. I do the same when i need to be out. Also he is off work for a couple of months and although i still work i also still do almost all housework. I was so annoyed this morning at coming down to find nothing done, he said he'd got there bags ready but half the stuff was missing, no laundry has been done for days and i just went mad, curled up in a ball upstairs crying after having a go at him in front of the kids, which is getting a bit regular and its something i hate. At college today the subject was ironically gender roles and how the writer is suprised there isnt more mental illness with the amount of roles we need to take on adn i just went out and bawled in the toilet! And have been quite hysterical since. Just calming down now thanks to herbal tablets. He is not taking it seriously. I always go out of my way to make sure when he works/studies i take over everything else but he says im being stupid, have tried talking to him again and hes gone to bed cos he doesnt want to listen! Thanks if youve read all that, feel better for getting it off my chest.

OP posts:
yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:07

This is the thing though, he is in a way, cos im not at home but he is! And he still does very little, ive tried not doing things, but it always seems to be me that runs out of clothes and pots first!

OP posts:
yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:08

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Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:11

What was that over? If you dont mind me asking?

OP posts:
yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:11

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jamiesam · 01/10/2004 23:13

Would you consider letting him go cold turkey with the kids? If he's not got them ready for creche next week, just leave them with him? And what about making sure that your and the kids laundry is reasonably up to date, but his is less so. Sometimes, I think people sponge because they know they can get away with it - not necessarily bad people, just got used to not having to think about dull stuff...

Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:17

He has them on his own at when im at work, and when i do my lates at college and he just wears the same stinky clothes to be awkward! Hes impossible! Seriously though i have though of relate, even on my own if necessary. I dont think hes depredded but i may be, was after having ds earlier this year. Same kind of feeling. He wasnt sympathetic then either, saying i was a bad mother because other women can cope. Although he has apologised many times since and i know he doesnt really think that.

OP posts:
Chandra · 01/10/2004 23:18

HM... I really simpathise with you, it is not easy but you need to do it together, if he doesn't do his part you are not forced to do his(sorry dear, no undies today... oops sorry no dinner had no time, etc), don't take up much more work than what you can deal with, would it be possible to postpone volunteering for a while, something has to go and it doesn't need to be your sanity.

FEw days ago I had the same problem with DH, however I had a deadline that day and have gone to bed at 5 am, when I went down, found the two of them in their pijamas and Dh said, could you get him ready while I take a shower? I just exploded and told him he was on his own and let him to sort everything himself.

I rang him at midday a bit worried of what would be his reaction and was very surprised when he appologised, DS got to nursery dressed and with a well packed bag if anything a bit late.

Lots of luck, take it easy on yourself.

yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:18

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Chandra · 01/10/2004 23:19

Ooops!!!! crossposted

paolosgirl · 01/10/2004 23:22

I'm sorry to hear about your day, and I hope you're feeling a bit better. I know from personal experience, and from talking to friends that what you've described is not untypical - but it doesn't make it right, thats for sure. One of my work colleagues went on a life coaching thing, and they said that men and women think differently. We assume that men see what we see (ie, the bleedin' obvious, like the kids needs fed, and the washing needs done), and men assume that we will ask for what we need, and then they will do it. I'm not sure if it's as simple as that, or whether that (again) lets men off the hook, but could you maybe sit down with him and devise some sort or rota or timetable for everyone for the week? Sometimes I think they really do need it spelled out.
In my next life, I want a wife.

Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:23

Ah bless! dp is good affection wise and was good at soothin crying babies cos it is horrible isnt it! So i guess you maybe cant have everything! Chandra my dp does exactly that sort of thing, i have walked out but he just gets on with that day and nothing changes! Hes even sent dd to creche in her pajamas before when ive not checked what hes been doing (i was ill that morning). I mean for goodness sake, they are pajamas and they are kept in a different drawer!!!!

OP posts:
mummylove · 01/10/2004 23:24

sorry to hear you are feeling like this, my dh pes me off sometimes but he is not that bad - assuming your partner is not thick he is being a selfish lazy bastad! this needs to be sorted out before you lose your marbles permanently!

i really feel for you, your life sounds so busy and i know how stressful approaching these kind of subjects can be with partners as instead of them seeing you are upset and down they turn it around to them and look on it like you are picking on them and causing a row.

but at the end of the day you need to talk to him about it, try approach it like its a very serious matter, make him see how its effecting you, tell him your tears and tell him how you need him to help.

one of the things that can really p**s me off with partners is how they always say "well if you dont ask, how will i kmow?" i feel like saying "your not effin thick, use you bloody brain and think for yourself" no commonsense or too lazy to use it.

when i tell him what to do, he will say i'm being bossy, but if i dont tell him then i have to do it.

when i have felt like you i have got it off my chest, i've learnt to choose the right time and approach it as calm as possible.

by the way you need a medal for all the things you do!

lots of love

yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:24

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yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:27

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Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:28

Think i will get outside help yurtgirl, it has only just occured to me today about depression, but with hindsight you can see signs. Mummylove that is exactly how i feel about him, he will do things if i ask him, but he says i pick on him and i do feel i shouldnt have to ask. Its common sense. The thing is when i feel calmi dont want to rock the boat but then it all builds up again and i flip! But never as bad as today.

OP posts:
yurtgirl · 01/10/2004 23:28

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bobs · 01/10/2004 23:29

Unfortunately SOME men will get away with doing as little as they possibly can, scared that if they start to help, they're stuck helping for the rest of their lives (poor lambs!!!) - and they're very good at running away from confrontations!
You need to put you foot down - on something soft and squidgy preferably and reason it out with him.
How about making a list of all the things that need doing and let him have first choice of his half?? Then if, for example, he doesn't do his bit, you don't do any of your bit that concerns him - cooking his meal etc - oops, Chandra just said that (was also going to suggest giving up the voluteerinng bit as well)
With men like this you have to be tough - you say you've thought of Relate - tell him that. don't spare his feelings - he's not sparing yours.
Good Luck

Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:31

Have read that book, but as he refused to listen to any suggestions as it was all bllocks, so i childishly thought 'well stuff you mate' and stopped reading. I have tried doing a few things out of the book to see if he changed his ways to respond to me, as the book suggested. Did he hll! He said 'thanks love' and carried on watching the telly (or whatever he was doing at the time).

OP posts:
Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:34

Thanks, i am going to give up volunteering, but i have got a family that i have been seeing for a while and dont want to drop them half way through, but will do no more after that. Also thinking of packing job in after crimbo, need money until then, but it seems like such a long way away . Will phone relate mon, but i believe they have waiting lists? And god knows where we'll find the time!

OP posts:
bobs · 01/10/2004 23:36

How about a list on the fridge door of the things you'd like him to do?? Men, as has already been said, need/like to be told.

Chandra · 01/10/2004 23:38

Who said DS got well dressed? I just said dressed. He has had sometimes... One day I went to London and Dh took care of DS, at the time it was summer and DS was battling with his eczema so in order to avoid more skin damage through scratching I have cut tle feet of some babygros, which were not too warm and comfy to be at home. DH took him to the supermarket, to work and had his boss at home while DS was wearing his old babygro with choped feet. When I arrived home DH told me his boss mentioned about a salary raise, when I saw DS I understood why...

Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:39

When we argued this ages ago, he said 'fine we'll do a rota then!' then i think he realised he'd have to do more so i let it drop. Then it came up again and i did a list of all the main jobs i do and he just ignored it. Getting very fed up. He does have good points but i cant remember them anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrassedmum · 01/10/2004 23:40

lol !

OP posts:
Chandra · 01/10/2004 23:40

No more seriously now, I think it is important that you have a balanced life, I have stressed so much about DS, a little business I started and doing a degree. The business is in bankruptcy, I am so tired of working in my degree (or feeling guilty for not working in it) and I am just trying to finish the degree not because I care but because I feel really bad about sacrificing so much time for DS to leave it when I'm about to finish.