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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Phone messages

20 replies

Headinthedrawer · 08/02/2020 18:07

Is it ever ok to ask to see you partners phone messages?Husband has been messaging an old female friend and has got drunk with her a couple of times.There is history here...not for a very long time though.They haven't seen each other in ages and suddenly he wants to.No effort to include me in meet ups/no group chat .I saw the amount of messages by mistake and called him out on it.He says they are just mates and he loves me.I feel racked with paranoia/suspicion and would feel better if saw the messages.I think he would say I don't trust him if I asked to see them and I was being unreasonable.What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
TatoTurner · 08/02/2020 18:09

I would be unhappy about this too.

mamato3lads · 08/02/2020 18:17

Bollocks to that. You'll get loads on here saying if you dont trust him you shouldn't be with him, respect his privacy blah blah.

I say, he is your husband and he is messaging another women very frequently, not including you in any of it.

Damn right I'd want to see. If theres nothing to hide, he should have absolutely NO problem handing his phone over so you can see what they're chatting about.

Most wives would want to know.

mamato3lads · 08/02/2020 18:19

And another point. He may well say you are being unreasonable asking to look but this is upsetting you and as your husband, he should want to set your mind at ease and show you that, of course, you have nothing to worry about. If he wont show you or starts ranting about privacy hes not considering your feelings and is probably hiding something x

AnyFucker · 08/02/2020 18:20

I would be seeing the messages or he would be leaving

Orangelocket · 08/02/2020 18:33

If its innocent he would want to show you them to reassure you. Have you told him how it's made you feel?
I think your fully within your rights to ask him. I would want to see them 100%

Windmillwhirl · 08/02/2020 18:42

If it's just friendly banter, why the secrecy? I wouldn't be happy with this situation at all. He knows this is upsetting you but doesn't seem to care and I think that says a lot.

Starrynite · 08/02/2020 18:45

For your own peace of mind, I'd say it's important that you do see these messages.
It's not going to go away until do

Original poster
headinthedrawer · 08/02/2020 19:35

Thank you mumsnet.I thought I'd be told I was being unreasonable so this is really reassuring.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 08/02/2020 19:37

I'd want to see them. In fact I did ask exH, he deleted them rather than show me.

WifOfBif · 08/02/2020 19:56

I would want to see them, and I’d be asking quickly before he deletes them.

Emmelina · 08/02/2020 22:07

You need to see the messages. If they’re innocent he’ll have no problem showing you to ease your mind. If he refuses, take from that what you will.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2020 22:08

Yes he’s overstepping. Yes it’s ok to ask to see the messages. And yes he should step the fuck back.

MsDogLady · 08/02/2020 22:23

History, frequent messaging, meet-ups, drinking together, excluding you.

Asking to see the messages is entirely reasonable. Do not allow him to manipulate you into shutting up and backing off.

Heartburn888 · 08/02/2020 22:29

If I had suspicions I’d be getting my hands on that phone by hook or by crook and settling my mind.

Probably an unpopular opinion but if he is reluctant to show you he might be Discussing your relationship to a personal level and may not want you to see this or he might be doing starting something he shouldn’t be.

Can you not go on it when he’s asleep? Do you have an iPad that’s connected or do you know his passwords to Facebook etc etc?

Original poster
headinthedrawer · 08/02/2020 23:10

I asked him.He's already deleted them.He said because he knew I was so upset and wanted to draw a line under it.Lots of eye rolling when I said he would only delete them if there was something to hide.I'm now sleeping in the spare room and want him nowhere near me.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 09/02/2020 02:41

He is taking you for a fool, OP.

He knew you were concerned. If the messages were innocent, he would not have deleted them. He would have insisted on showing them to you to reassure you. He deleted them because they crossed a line. He will likely now go underground with OW.

Also, the fact that he responded to your distress by eye-rolling speaks volumes. An innocent partner would not be so contemptuous.

You need to tell him to leave, OP.

YicketyYackMamasBack · 09/02/2020 02:43

I would ask to see them also.
He won’t be offended or defensive unless he’s guilty after you explain its making you anxious.

Friendsofmine · 09/02/2020 02:58

Have you read Not Just Friends? It is all about how most affairs develop with a friend not a stranger.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2020 13:10

No surprise he has already deleted them

Why have you changed name midthread, op ?

yogo · 09/02/2020 13:55

He's a dodgy fucker alright

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