Always feeling second best

[UpsyDaisy77]

I’m starting to wonder if I’m just incapable of being in a relationship? I’m 35 this year and would absolutely love to have a family and have children but l realise that my chances of this happening are very rapidly diminishing. I’ve always felt like I’m a very poor second choice for people and they are just wasting time with me until someone better comes along, someone prettier, slimmer, smarter and well just better. Two serious relationships in my mid-late 20’s the last one ended after he basically slept with multiple women and then ended it. I’m ashamed to admit that l knew he was cheating for months (was checking his phone when he was sleeping) and l went on a crash diet, tried to make myself nicer, slimmer just better so he would “pick me” which he still didn’t. I cringe when l think back to my desperation then.

I’ve been completely single since then, so 5 years, and in fact l haven’t even had sex for 4 years as l can’t bear the thought of a man seeing me naked and vulnerable and rejecting me. I sometimes use dating apps but haven’t been on an actual date for 3 years, l do talk to men but usually stop when they want to meet up as l imagine how disappointed they will be when they actually meet me. This isn’t normal is it? I am around 3 stone overweight and think I’m extremely unattractive and fat but l also think my issues must go deeper than just being fat?

I am the same with work. I have a very good job in a very competitive industry which l work very hard at. I do lots of cpd, network lots and keep up to date with current knowledge etc and l think I’m good at what l do and have never had problems getting jobs despite it being so competitive. But l still live in constant fear that I’m about to be replaced for someone better, every time we have new staff l think they are here to steal my job even if they are much more junior to me. My boss is great and gives me lots of encouragement, outwardly l am very confident and l even act as a mentor to more junior staff but l just can’t shake the feeling that I’m not good enough.

How do l get over these feelings? To my friends and family I’m a confident independent woman, like l say l have a good job and I’m also very well travelled and people say I’m interesting and engaging to be with but l just think as soon as men discover the real dull ugly me they will find someone better. I don’t know what to do.

I didn't want to let this drift, so have a bump. I'm not the right age or gender to be really advising. All I can say is that you sound lovely to me and I'm sure someone else will think the same. I think you need to keep mixing with lots of people and not being afraid to go deeper. You clearly are NOT second best and you will realise it.

I’m probably not the best to advise either as I have a lot of the same feeling about myself. I expect more people than you would ever realise do. You sound like a lovely person though who deserves to find happiness and fulfilment in your life

With the work situation a good starting point would be to look up ‘imposter syndrome’ I think that covers the thoughts you are having about not being good enough even though colleagues tell you otherwise.

In regards to your feelings about relationships, it sounds like you went through an awful time in your previous relationship. Anyone would have self esteem issues after that and if you already had them before your relationship started, no wonder you are scared to let yourself get close to anyone else again.

There are plenty of helpful guides online about increasing your self esteem but from what you have said I don't think there is an easy fix that you can find from a book or guide. You’ve given it time to get over the past, which is a good thing, but you are still having negative thoughts about yourself and suffering from low self esteem. I would recommend talking to a trained councillor who can work with you and guide you on the road to loving and accepting yourself. Cheesy as it sounds, you need to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you.

It sounds like you have great family and friends to support you so with a little bit of help to get to the root of your difficulties there’s no reason you can’t find love, have a family and free yourself from the anxieties that you have in your life at the moment.

OP, your post made me feel so sad. I can't really advise but I hope you can work on your self esteem because you do deserve happiness and love.

A pp made a sensible suggestion about looking into imposter syndrome with relation to the workplace. Good luck x

It sounds like you have low self esteem. Why do you think that is? Were you bullied, or emotionally abused/neglected in some way? I recommend therapy. I've found it very useful I think.

There are millions of people in this world OP. Not all of them are a size 10! Look in the shops and the average clothes sizes are bigger than that. My point is why are you focusing on your weight as being a factor in a relationship? That is a bit strange. You should maybe go get some counselling for self esteem or PTSD from your last relationship. One of my friends is a big girl and proud of it. Size 18 at least. She’s a model. Her boyfriend is tiny and rich and flies her off to exotic destinations and adores her. She owns a room when she walks in. Doesn’t matter what size you are if you’re miserable. Try and find some interesting fun hobbies and just be you! Who are you? Be proud of you and start dating. Know your self worth.