Would you ask someone this is in a new relationship?

[User273993]

Been seeing each other 3 months. When we met he’d been broken up with for 3 months (had been a 14 month relationship).

Early on we had a brief chat about ex’s. He said he still had a couple of things at her house that he needed to collect and that they’d not spoken for a couple of months m. He’s not mentioned it since obviously.

I don’t know if he’s collected this stuff or if he’s talking with her generally. I want to know. But should I leave this? Things are good between us and we’ve taken things slow. Would you ask?

No I would not.

Why would you mention it? It's nothing to do with you and has no bearing on your relationship.

None of your business.

I would ask, if I wanted to know. ‘Are you still in contact with your Ex?’ Simple yes or no question.

‘She’s still got stuff of yours. What will you do about that?’

I’d ask a friend, so I’d definitely ask a ‘partner’.

It's only a big deal if you make it one.
There's no problem casually asking if it's all sorted, but whatever the answer is, don't make it a big issue. You can suggest sorting it if he hadn't already done, so but treat it lightly.

Why do you want to know?
Does he seem secretive with his phone? Does he talk about her? Are you worried that they'll get back together if he goes there? Are you unsure of this new relationship in anyway?

I'd be more interested to know why they broke up and he still has things there that he needs (or doesn't he really?) but they're not talking. Any red flags?

Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it at all. Just might ask if he mentions something about it again, but as generic conversation.

He’s not really said why they broke up. I just know she ended it. I’m not sure why it bothers me, usually I don’t give a shit about that sort of thing

We should usually trust our instincts.
It seems to me that you're picking up on something that's not quite right, although the issue may not be the things at her house.

How long have you known him?

No harm in asking a bit more about previous relationships, particularly if you don't know him well. See how he talks about her and others. Just don't make an interrogation about it.

But it is odd if he doesn't feel like he can ask to pick up those things or if she doesn't want contact with him.

I agree with trusting our instincts. However, in your case at the moment I wouldn't say anything to him yet, and if you're otherwise keen on him, see how things are after another few months. It may be that it's a non issue to him, but a few more months along you will either find out a bit more, or within your rights to ask.

Trust your instinct is the best advice and if you are entering a monogamous relationship with someone then you are allowed to know where you stand and where he has unfinished business elsewhere. If you ask him out right he might lie though but talking about ex’s and how relationships ended is part of getting to know each other on a personal level.

Also if they were only together 14 months, I’m not sure why they would stay in contact after splitting.

I wouldn't ask.

I agree with pp who suggested to casually ask.
Obviously you don't have the right to make any decisions about what he does with his time and who he sees.

However.....

What if his answer is " yes, I did go collect my stuff, we have coffee once a week now"

What if you never ask, and in 2 years you find out that he has had regular contact , but he never bothered to tell you?

So when IS a good time?

I don't understand the argument that you don't have ' rights' until some magical relationship marker has been met.

Surely a man ( or woman) who is WORTH investing in is one who would be honest about this sort of thing, right from the start. Not because he has to account for his time, but because the way to build proper trust is by being trustworthy.

Personally in this situation, I would hope that the person I was seeing would mention picking up the stuff. Not because he "had" to.