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Original poster

Met an amazing man but is this strange?

55 replies

Thenotvh · 08/02/2020 09:51

He’s only lived with someone for 5 months and he’s 37.

His longest relationship has been 18 months and his partner asked him to move out 5 months after moving in.

I think he’s great but I have been known to miss red flags in the past. Even if it’s not a red flag, I want to here my wits about me. What do you think?

OP posts:
swingchandelier · 08/02/2020 10:30

He only has 3 friends, 2 of whom are work friends? That would worry me, who has he been socialising with?

Howmanysleepsnow · 08/02/2020 10:32

Maybe he’s better than most at spotting when someone isn’t right and moving on.
If he’d lived with 4 different people all that would tell you is that he’d thought the wrong person was the right one 4 times and took a while to realise his mistake.

Original poster
Thenotvh · 08/02/2020 10:32

He does seem to have a good social life. I’ve met one of his friends. I’ve just never come across it before and the short time frame he did do it smacks a bit of a significant problem! But I’m a worrier

OP posts:
supercee · 08/02/2020 10:35

I'm 37 and single, lived with an absolute arsehole of a man mid 20's for a few months. Have had one 'proper' boyfriend since (didn't live together) and a few non-serious ones in that time too.

I completely value my independence and my non-reliance on anyone else and simply haven't met anyone I like enough, and vice versa, to settle down with yet. Don't be so judgmental.

supercee · 08/02/2020 10:36

It was probably more than a few months. But a few months too many.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/02/2020 10:38

I can't believe someone's asked if he's autistic because he's only lived with one partner Hmm

Would you prefer he had two kids with a nightmare ex?
Give him a chance if you like him.

SoloMummy · 08/02/2020 10:39

I'm a mother and only lived with ex for 7 months. It was a f*ING nightmare from day 1.

I would hope that a new partner could see past that!

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 08/02/2020 10:43

What about non romantic relationships?

Has he held down the same job for a number of years?

Was the friend you met an old long term friend or a fairly new one?

What family does he get on well with? Parents (and sometimes siblings) can often be used to a weird dynamic and tread on egg shells for a brittle family member, and you won't see that when they're "on their best behaviour" meeting their fragile adult child's latest squeeze and hoping that this time it'll work out for the poor thing, who's so amazing but has such bad luck... Getting on with wider family of cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews and nieces would be a great sign but of course not everyone has that kind of family for various reasons no matter how well balanced they are.

If he changes jobs every five or six months as well as never having a long term relationship that can be a worry, but if he's stayed in one role for a few years, was in the one before that a few years too, then he probably is capable of getting on with people in mundane day to day situations without massive fall outs over a longer period.

I think that's what you're on the look out for tbh - does he live the "honeymoon period" of a new relationship/ friendship/ job but then engineer drama when it inevitably becomes a bit ordinary after a year or so?

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 08/02/2020 10:50

supercee whilst someone who values their independence is likely to make a fantastic employee, a good friend and quite likely a very mentally and emotionally healthy human being, it probably also means that you'd be the wrong choice of partner for someone looking to couple up and move in together/ marry / have more children within the next few years, as OP strongly implies with her reference to her age and not having time on her side!

I think OP needs to be a bit careful given her situation - maintain a bit of emotional distance and be a bit practical and a bit sceptical. She wants a serious relationship fairly quickly, which is ok but makes her vulnerable on multiple counts, both to rushing in with someone not right who says they want what she wants and getting taken advantage of, and to spending the next five years with someone who may be amazing but is fiercely independent and will never be happy cohabiting and being a partnership rather than a boyfriend/ friend with benefits.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 08/02/2020 10:53

Also go on holiday with him and don't be on your best behaviour regarding tidiness - be your normal self - and observe. Invite him round without tidying up first.

happycamper11 · 08/02/2020 11:05

I'm 40 and only ever lived with one exp. that was for 6 years but to be perfectly honest it wound have been far more sensible to have taken the warning signs and left after 5 months. Since then I've never found anyone that I'd even remotely consider moving in with.... I don't think it's a red flag on its own.

ittooshallpass · 08/02/2020 11:06

Why do so many people on MN feel suspicious of people who haven't had many partners or lived with a partner?

I think it's a breath of fresh air to meet someone who hasn't jumped from one relationship to another.

Why don't you give the guy a chance? Judge for yourself how he treats you and your relationship rather than judging his previous relationship.

Sickandscared · 08/02/2020 11:08

No I wouldn't consider it a red flag. I was looking for a serious relationship for most of my thirties. I went on plenty of dates and got so tired of guys asking me "what's the catch?" The truth was i could see fast how incompatible I would be with most guys early on.

Judge him on how this relationship unfolds, not his previous ones.

supercee · 08/02/2020 11:11

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust Just because someone values their independence doesn't mean they don't want to couple up, settle down and marry or have children. I know I do!

You just have to read the many, many threads in relationships of people who are dependant on men and are up shit creek when things hit the fan. I'd love to meet 'the one' but I also think that is a game of luck and in the meantime, I'll keep plodding on, valuing my independence.

katewhinesalot · 08/02/2020 11:13

So why did they break up after 5 months?

Lillygolightly · 08/02/2020 11:21

Well ok it’s not necessarily a red flag,

Does he live on his own now?

Did he perhaps live with his parents for a long time?

How long have you known him and been dating him for?

He may just have been fussy or a bit commitment adverse in his younger days. Or it may be that he has some terrible habits or obsessive behaviour that make him difficult to live with. It’s difficult to guess this from what you have said so far.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 08/02/2020 11:25

supercee as a human quality I very much appreciate valuing independence, I certainly look back fondly on living alone and hope my children are independent and picky about who they couple up with, and able to be truly happy alone not be emotionally codependent!

However I just think the OP needs to find out whether her new man is genuinely open to compromising his independence by going the whole hog on living together, marriage, kids - the compromise isn't for everyone and if it's definitely what OP wants pretty soon (I assume her references to time and being 35 mean she wants a mutually planned child within an established relationship) he might not be right for her. He might be of course, but I understand why she doesn't feel she's in a position to go with the flow and just see what happens if she's 35 and wants a child before she's 40...

I do think the context of non romantic relationships is very important - if he's never held down a job or friendship or relationship with anyone but his parents for longer than 18 months either that is a red flag and is not just about valuing independence.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 11:25

I would keep my eyes open but still keep seeing him.

kazzer2867 · 08/02/2020 12:03

@MissSueDenim. Oh yes. This is the same person from www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3815872-Should-I-tell-her-I-want-her-back-Mates-say-defo-no?pg=1&order=

PicsInRed · 08/02/2020 12:17

MissSueDenim, my thoughts exactly.

OP, she broke up with you. You need to let her go and move on.

TwentyViginti · 08/02/2020 12:29

It’s not this guy is it?

I think it's the actual guy doing a reverse!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/02/2020 16:29

@TwentyViginti I did wonder the same.
Specifically because of the mention of 5 months.

Glitterb · 08/02/2020 16:37

Have you posted about this before?

MissB83 · 08/02/2020 16:57

I'm 36 and I've never lived with anyone... I would like to think it's not because there's something wrong with me!

BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 08/02/2020 17:03

Not you again! Move on!