Made a right hash of adult life, don’t even really know how

[tryingtoworkitallout]

I’m just posting wondering if anyone can help, offer any words of wisdom ... I’m 39. I am struggling to think of any area in which I’ve been successful and really achieved much of anything at all. I know these feelings aren’t unique, but they are generally counterbalanced by at least something - for me, that’s not the case.

I had a rocky start to adult life. I lost my mum in sudden and quite traumatic circumstances as a teenager, and it just seemed to set me up on the wrong path. It meant during the years when I was away at university I didn’t have any sort of secure base or home and that’s something that’s felt really consistent, even though I did manage to buy a flat at 24, in the intervening years I was renting rooms and in and out of addresses, and jobs and this became something of a pattern.

Things stabilised for a short period in my late 20s/early 30s, but then I arsed up at work. It wasn’t anything so very major that would say have been a criminal offence but in the context of what I do it was a serious enough mistake that I had to resign rather than go through a dismissal.

After this, I struggled to get work. I fell into heavy debt around this period. I did eventually manage to find work two years after the event, but it was in a job that to be honest no one else wanted and I saw why! I stuck it out for just over a year, hoping that it would lead to something better. It did (I thought) However in the probationary period I’ve been told they aren’t happy with my reference so that’s over. It feels like a huge kick in the teeth. I’ve no idea at all what I’m going to do, whether it’s worth pursuing work in my field (which is all I’ve ever done) - I just don’t know.

At one time, I had lots of friends. I now struggle to think of three people I could call a friend. It’s a combination of not having a regular job (I’ve always made friends with colleagues) and most of the people I was friends with are just in a vastly different place to me. My life feels chaotic and sad most of the time.

I just wish I could go back and do it all over again.

Reading your post makes me think you've achieved an awful lot. Maybe use this latest job issue to change direction and do something different. Try and reconnect with old friends - some friendships are easily rekindled. Above all, be kind to yourself. You've had a rough ride but you're still holding on.

Reading your post made me sad, your loss of a mother must have had a huge impact on you, and you have done well to keep going. You sound as if you have sone great qualities, resilience being one ! Anyone can mess up and you have survived that too, showing you are a strong character and your previous friendships show you have emotional intelligence too ... so...
Knowing you have all these qualities that life and experience have shaped you it's time to think what you are going to do with your 'second half'
You could set a goal for your 40th to start afresh and prepare leading up to that date
Meaning getting out there/starting a course/ new job /hobbies
Whatever it is, life can begin again at 40.. make your second half wonderful

Hi OP. I’m another one that thinks you’ve achieved loads! The job situation sounds tough, I think work can often anchor us to stability and like you say, to new friends and a network of support. Without knowing the details it’s hard to say whether to go into something new or try again in the same area. Why not try both options and see where they lead? Easier said than done, i know, but by doing that your life will move forward.

You sound lovely and resilient and self aware. I’d also add that you are not alone with feeling you don’t have friends like you used to. I think that happens to a lot of us in our thirties.

Thanks, for your kind replies. I feel like such a failure but maybe you’re right and life begins and all that ... I do feel as though losing a parent really impacted on me but then it’s not as if I was 5 when she died so maybe I’m making excuses?

Losing your mum as a teen is awful. It's a time you really need your mum. Not that any time is a good time.

I am sorry about the loss of your mum, the lack of emotional and physical support must be hard to bear. It doesn't have to stop you progressing and you have already bought a flat, worked and got yourself out of debt.

I'm wondering if you have freedom and an interest to try something new, as it doesn't sound as though your field of work motivates you. The difficulty is everything costs money and you would need an income or some form of sponsorship/loan.

Have you identified other fields or looked into options? Could you work in your original field and try/volunteer for other roles in the evenings and weekends?

I lost my mum at 18 and it threw me completely off the rails.

You've had some set back but as long as you hang In there things will get better.

Buying a flat at 24 is awesome! It's great that you're able to have a good social network- you could look a building that up again in some ways- maybe go along to some new groups etc, and also getting back in touch with some old friends?

Losing your mum so young (it is very young to lose your mum) and having some bad luck at work seems to have understandably made you quite low. Would you consider going to see your GP? (If you've been before, there are always different things they can try.) Have you tried therapy?

Social life as an adult takes work and commitment. I don't have any friends really but I accept that's because I didn't/ couldn't put in the effort.

Job wise - maybe the career you are on doesn't suit your skill set? Maybe it is fine for a rethink? A job where you are happy and stable will really transform things for you j think.

You are young enough to retrain .Not easy but with determination it can be done.In this day and age too many people find jobs that isolate them .Having a well paid job is nice but it isn’t necessarily the most important thing .
What you mustn’t do is drift ,39 can soon become 59 and then it is too late.My brother changed career in his mid forties and though the work is harder -he prefers it .Draw yourself a plan up and good luck

Another one here who thinks you've achieved a lot, especially buying a flat at 24 - not everyone is mature enough at that age to make such a financial commitment. The loss of your mum must have been devastating and not having that support network that many have throughout uni and early adulthood must have been so hard. It's never to late to retrain, and I'm just wondering if you've travelling much or even lived abroad? Might not be for everyone but I spent a lot of time abroad in my 20s and I found it gave me another perspective on things/life in general. In any case do not feel like you've failed, you most certainly haven't - everyone has their own path and does things in their own time, and not everyone has had to face adulthood having suffered the loss of a parent like you did.

Have you asked to see the reference the company was provided? You have a right to do that and you could at least clear up anything untrue in it.

These days it’s really unusual for companies to do anything more than confirm the length of time you worked with them, so I’m surprised there’s something in your reference which made this company stop your employment. You should definitely find out what they’ve written.

during the years when I was away at university I didn’t have any sort of secure base or home and that’s something that’s felt really consistent,

Commiserations - it never leaves you, does it?

Would you be able to consider another go at university? You may already have a postgrad degree, but if not you would be eligible for a Government Postgraduate Loan to pay the fees.

Otherwise, while not ignoring the pressing realities of life, I’m wondering if you have any creative outlet, something that could be a source of challenge and pride and access to new ways of thinking and new like-minded people.

Don’t give up. Everyone reading your OP can see your successes.