why wont my ex spend time with his children

[hippychick1971]

i posted this on news by mistake,so here goes again i am divorced with two children, my ex hardly sees them and show little or should i say no interest in what they do or where they have been. he never phones all visits or takes them anywhere. he may have them once a week picking them up at 6.00pm and dropping off the next day between 11.00am and 12.00pm. when he is with them he does the same things with them. he lets them down and they are now asking why daddy doesnt phone or see them very much. he is living with someone now and had been for the last 7 weeks. I have never had a problem with her and the children like her, but since she has moved in with him he has gone worse (if thats possible)

i dont know whether to cut him completely out of their lives so as to avoid anymore hurt and disapointment. or to carry on with his babysitting duties once a week if that.

please anyone who has any advice it would be appreciated as it is breaking my heart to see my children hurt and upset by this.

please help

Is he OK financially? He may not be doing much with them because he can't afford to?

Do you actively try to involve him in their lives? He may appear to show no interest because he himself feels shut out - eg if he has not input into important decisions like schooling etc.

These points may not be at all applicable to your situation, but IME they can be reasons for a man appearing to shut off.

hi twinkle he has always had a say with everything they do, i have always included him in everything they do. he was the same when we were together, we would arrange to go out for the day then he would stay at home to do some jobs, which when i returned they were never done. when he left me two years ago for someone else he told be it would have been better if we would have had sons. stupidly i took him back nothing improved and i eventually asked him to leave.

i dont know what more i can do i cant make him pick upthe phone or make him spend more time with them. and yes he is very well off financially he has his own business.

its my dd's i feel for he is still their dad they love him very much but my eldest has now got him sussed and she is hurting i have to put a stop to this.

Get your ex round & all of you sit down for a "chat". Let your dc tell him personally how his behavior is making them feel. If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will!

btw, no matter what, please don't cut off all contact. My dad was v. distant (physically & emotionally) with me after my parents' divorce & I paid for it with years of psychotherapy.

the last thing i want to do is cut him off. he is doing that himself. my sister says to cut him off to avoid years of disapoinment and hurt, i know where she is coming from, i want to protect them, but i dont want them blaming me for their dad not being in their life.

hiya, your thread caught my eye. Have you checked out lone parents, becuase this sort of attitude is common, and I thought you may find soem suport there.

In my experience, another woman on the scene, even if you have no problems with her, or get on, or are not bothered, makes a difference, esp at the the start of a relationship.

my ex, i would describe as going thru a honeymoon preiod, altho tbh its lasted 2 yrs !! The best thing to do , is to try and sit down and talk, whilst this is all addressable.

I hope he finds the time to listen, and realise how hard this isgoignto be for your children if he cops out. This i know from exp. take care

Just read your second response, hippy. Seeing your chldren hurt likethis is terible.

my dd5 has said recnetly, after being deliberately let down, that she has a space inside her, that she feels empty.

We all know how that feels, but how canyou protect them form this. ou cant, stop the feeling, you canonly do your utmost for them in every way you can.

It s hard, do yo find yourself making light of his attitude to protect their feelings? it sucks, I too have doen everything to keep them together but dd has sussed him too.

As i said, lots of stuff in lone parents, so many of us having similar. x

thanks for that, i have sat down and talked and talked and explained that his priorities should be the girls, and he always says he knows and he misses them and will try harder. but he never does, he can go a couple of weeks without phoning, which i will never understand, when they are not with me i miss them so much and to not hear their voices would kill me.

i dont know what else i can do my solicitor said i cant make him do anymore than what he is, but it is not good enough. my children are small so they wouldnt sit down and talk to him to tell him how they feel. they just want to play when they see him, which is understandable

thanks pirategirl, i know i am not alone in this i know other women who are going through the same. its just i have always gone the extra mile for him, i let him use my car so he can take the girls out #(he has a works van) but he wont let me use that so i can go shopping. i have been very flexible and yes i make excuses like he is working away or is just very busy.

my daughter sends message that she wants to speak to him from my mobile he doesnt reply

My daughter too, has recently left 2 messages on his mobile, to which he hasnt responded.

GUilt, thats what everybody tells me. This i have always found hard to undrstand, becuase whenever I feel guilty about something I try to make ammends.

How does he treat you? Ifind I am the whipping 'boy', and all his shit 'still' gets taken out on me. Yet he was the one who walked out on us!

I hope you don't thik I was being like 'it's happened to may of us' as a brush, off, its hard to ge tthe right tone on her soemtimes. Just want you to know that it is a major source of unneccesary heartache and ridiculous too for us ladies.

hi just spoken to ex, told him i think its best if he stays away and he said ok. i said if he wants to see them to go to his solicitor and he said no he wont waste his money, and believe it or not apparently its all my fault (no surprise there) he has just proved himself as an even bigger bastard there is no going back i dont want someone as hard and cold as him in their lives. its very very sad but they are loved by so many people and they will get used to it. they rarely see him so there wont be much difference.

He sounds passive aggressive, like he wanted to break off contact but didn't want to be the baddie so engineered it so you took action to protect your daughters.

I think you did the right thing. Children do not deserve to be put in a situation where they are constantly being rejected. It will make them feel terrible about themselves.

i know i have done the right thing but i still feel really bad. i am a very soft person when it comes to him, i dont know why because i have no feelings for him. but i feel that being their dad he deserves chance after chance,(which he has already had) i am just so angry, upset, and pissed off with myself for having children with someone like him in the first place.

My ex is exactly the same, he has them once a fortnight from 1pm saturday until 4pm sunday and he NEVER visits or phones inbetween. He has no interest in ANYTHING they do and doesn't do anything with them when they ARE at his house, he expects them to sit and watch TV all weekend or sit and watch his girlfriends kids play on the playstation.

My 8 year old now HATES going to his dads and keeps asking me if he can stay home with me. I have had to tell him that once he is 11 and starts secondary school he can choose for himself whether he wants to continue seeing his father or not and sadly, he's really looking foward to turning 11 for this reason.

oh dear auntysocial, thats soooo sad, i think my oldest will do that she is eight now. if my youngest phones and he actually answers i ask if she wants to speak to him and she says she has nothing to say. my youngest was very much a daddies girl she doesnt ask for him anymore.

why do men think because they are not with you anymore that means they dont have any responsibilty to their children.

i never thought i would actually hate him, but i do for what he is doing, i am a great believer of what goes around comes around (the sooner the better)