What is wrong with me?!

[EmR1]

In brief

Meet a man last year, we hit it off straight away and took things quite slow. I’d see him once a week romantically but we were kind of working on a project together, so would see each other at work and speak on WhatsApp every day.
In month one he explained he was a recovering alcoholic and attended 5 AA meetings a week, and was 2 years sober. I didn’t see an issue with that and wouldn’t have got in the way of his meetings.

5-6 months we were dating and before the summer in August 2019 I started falling for him more and he said we weren’t on the same page. I said I wanted more he couldn’t give that to me.
We spent the summer apart, at one point I messaged saying it would be good to clear the air before work went back in September. He never gave that to me.... he basically tried to say I’d just get angry with him?!? I’d never been angry maybe hurt and confused yes.

September came it was such hard work. I put in all the effort to keep the project going.
Him and I met a few times for coffee but I found it so hard and I was so heartbroken. The fact I was left to front the project and he dipped in and out when it suited him.

We started to become friends, it’s now Feb 2020 and since that break up we speak everyday. Sometimes about our kids and life and then about work. Before Christmas he turned up for coffee and just lay on my lap for an hour while I rubbed his head because he was so exhausted...

I then went away for Christmas and when I got back we had coffee and we kissed.... in my mind I thought maybe he realised how much he cared about me and how good we are together...

The next week we had dinner at my house. We talked about work and then he said I thought you wanted to talk about you and I....

And he did the same thing again. He wasn’t ready but he fancied me?! And he liked our friendship..

Wtf is going on!! I’m an amazing catch. I’m so good to him and I care about his wellbeing but I’m now just thinking he’s a jerk!!

I’ve wasted so much time. My self esteem is at a real low point I’ve lost confidence and feel quite low. Since then I said to him we aren’t friends, this needs to stop you know how I feel about you and it’s really unfare. A few days go by again and we have to engage for work, we are a brilliant team.... and now breadcrumbs again.

We were so happy in that 5 months in the beginning. I really thought I’d met my partner in crime. He made me laugh like no one else and still does at times. But I’m just not important enough to him.

Ugh. He is messing with your head. Don’t let him.

Do you think he is seeing someone else?

If he's engaging in recovery programmes he's probably not ready to commit and most of them discourage it.

The main problem here is you're attributing his mixed signals and poor behaviour to yourself and not to him.

Recovery or not he's been a jerk. Or he's married.

id love someone advice

He says he’s not and not interested one anyone.
He bigs me up tells me how amazing I am work wise, then drops me from a height...
Says things like “I didn’t reply because you were entering the bonkers zone”?!?

He sounds a bit abusive if that’s the case! Stay away from him! He’s messing with your head.

He’s definitely separated but his priorities are
Sobriety, his kids and work and that’s all he says he can cope with...

I pull away to get headspace and then he will reach out again. If we didn’t have to work together it would of been so much easier.

God knows maybe he’s got lots of woman on the go...

I’d like to think it’s because he’s in a recovery programme and couldn’t give me what I deserved or needed....
It’s just such a shame I got caught up in it all...
Why date someone!!

Hi there
I had a similar situation couple of years ago and when I told him we need to stop seeing each other and stop talking he wake up!!!
I cried after I told him that but I couldn't take it anymore
He realised he had feelings for me
Today we are married, 3 kids, everyone is happy
My advice is to try to wake him up. Ignore him for a while. Don't call him or text him. See if he will miss you or not
Good luck

That’s such a lovely story....
I suppose that what I’d like to happen. But my thoughts are if he can be strong enough to give up drinking not having never in his life isn’t hard.

I feel really silly. I’m 42 I know what love is and I haven’t had a connection like this. But am thinking it’s all in my head. I care for him so much and he’s just such an idiot sometimes. Clearly not ready and a hell of a lot of discipline.

Sobriety, his kids and work and that’s all he says he can cope with...

He may really like you, but if this is all he can cope with, it's really all he can cope with! Believe him when he says that.

Ok, you’re right.

OP the way you've approached this whole thing is very self destructive. Do you know anything about addiction? He's a recovering alcoholic. He made that clear from the outset, have you any idea what being in a relationship with an alcoholic is like? I didn't see an issue with that... He wasn't telling you that in case you got in the way of this meetings.

You went full speed ahead after this, dating him for a few months, knowing he was an alcoholic. He then told you that you both weren't on the same page ie given where he was in his life and with the responsibilities he already had, this wasn't going to work.

He let you down by dating you knowing he didn't want a relationship. He then let you down regarding the project, letting you do all the work. Dipping in and out when it suited him, as he had done with your relationship ie he's a selfish bastard OP.

He treats you like dog crap and then comes to your place and lets you massage his head for an hour, looking after him. There you are like a prize chump, nurturing him after he's let you down, over and over again.

Then you kiss him and then he tells you again that he just wants the good bits, the sex, the head massages, the bits that suit him. Because he's a selfish bastard OP.

In future, when someone tells you that they have addiction problems, run very fast in the opposite direction because they tend to be selfish OP.

I have no doubt that this man frog leaps from one chump to the next, giving the absolute minimum he can get away with. You're a grown woman and your responsibility is to yourself and your own welfare. You had every opportunity to get away, he showed his cards right from the beginning and carried on this pattern throughout. Yet you have gone back, time and again expecting a different result.

Take a look at Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and perhaps look into CoDA. You can find therapists here.

Thank you for all of that. I needed to hear it. X

It's not just a matter of him only being able to cope with what he's got on his plate.

He shouldn't be saying things like this:-

'I didn’t reply because you were entering the bonkers zone'

That is abuse, you weren't acting bonkers at all. You fancy someone but that doesn't make you 'bonkers.' With the head in lap thing he was flirting with you; that's not keeping what are usually seen as friend levels of physical distance. He's toying with your emotions- and now messing with your mind by claiming you're 'bonkers' to respond to his flirtation etc.. To be able to keep getting a reaction from you and then to reject you is no doubt an ego boost for him.

Limit contact as much as possible- just talk about work if and when you need to to complete something and when you do communicate with him give very little, be boring. So, if he asks 'how are things?'
= 'things are fine' etc, don't prolong the conversation.

The coming to your house thing was mean- if he wanted to say that he could've said it earlier, before he arranged what was effectively set up as a potentially very intimate evening. But, where's the fun in that? He gets off on hurting you. Wanker!

Something else to bear in mind is that whatever 'reasons' someone gives for not wanting to commit, always add 'with you' on the end. Because the world is full of people who hung on in there for years, waiting for their 'almost partner' to get to a place in their life when they were 'ready', only to see them quickly get into a relationship and then married to someone else.

There's a wonderful You Tube about this, but I can't find it :-( Sorry, OP, I think keeping clear of him is for the best. whatever he wants from you, it isn't a life partnership.

Thank you everyone. It’s really messed with my head, and I agree with the above it’s made me stupidly co-dependant on him because of the push pull effect he gives me. This advice is just what I needed to gain the strength to pull away.

You really need to end contact with him.

I’ve been trying so hard to do that. I’ve told him so many times but the project has been keeping us together. However there is a silver lining and I’ve been working towards it. The project will take me away from him to different locations and I won’t need him so much. I feel he likes the limelight of what I’ve achieved and he’s had lots of media coverage from it because of my hard work.
This should all happen from March.

It’s hard as well because he’s in group WhatsApp chats where we run the project with a huge number of people so he sees what I’m doing all the time.

Can't you remove him from the project if it's mostly your work?

What's he actually bringing to it, and do you really need his input, and what would the consequences be of removing him?

He’s been quite influential, but as it’s now growing that’s the plan.