Hi all,
Hoping for some advice or experience please, I mean all of this in the best possible way but I don't know if pregnancy hormones (38 weeks) are also not helping! Sorry for the length, need to add some background.
Before I was born, my gran lost significant relatives and wouldn't leave the house. When I was a toddler (late 20's now), she had childcare responsibilities for me which had to involve taking me to nursery so she's put me almost on a pedestal and credits me with getting her out of the house and getting over her grief.
Whilst I can understand this, I do feel like this is too much pressure, idolisation and seeking emotional support for someone so young however and it's continued my whole life. I now absolutely hate attention and I feel it's pushed me away because I don't know how to process having someone almost obsessive about you.
She considers me her child, still refers to me as a childhood nickname she knows I despise, continually talks about childhood times and how I saved her, ends every text message in a few message exchange with 'love you', constantly wants to have physical contact with me, tells everyone she meets about me and my job, despite it being something not talked about and wants to ask probing questions about my happiness in my relationship in front of my OH. She also always wants to give me presents or money and nearly had a cry in a cafe as I didn't want to have anything to eat or drink there and it was ruining what she thought was a treat. As I say, all this pushes me away to the point that when I leave I feel awful anxiety for the rest of the day including feeling guilty for feeling this way. I can't talk to her about this because she sees it just being love and has said before she would want to kill herself if she thought she'd upset me.
Now I'm pregnant and we sadly lost my grandad last year. My gran is in complete denial about it, signing off cards and presents as still from him and admitted she won't accept he's not coming back. She wants to pursue action for care he received during this time (distraction?) but she keeps contacting me wanting my help (I helped her compose her initial feelings into a letter) but I'm trying to sort out a dispute with my own solicitor for moving house and heavily pregnant so I'm finding it hard!
I'm now really anxious our son is going to have the same problem as he's come at a time she's also not dealing with grief. I know everyone deals with it differently and there is no timescale but she is flatly refusing to acknowledge it. She's already offered herself for childcare, said he will be smothered and eaten with love, made out as if I'm horrible and our son will be unloved for some boundaries I want to set because 'it didn't harm' me and said he should be taken to my grandad's grave so they can meet.
As I say, I always end up being the one who feels guilty but I feel like I want to distance myself and now my son and don't really know how to deal with these feelings or if I'm just horrible for feeling this way!