Stuck, trapped, lonely

[Bx42]

I’ve been married to my wife for 15 years – together for 18. We have 4 children together and she already had a child (who I love and treat as my own) when we got together.

Our relationship has never been overly affectionate – she doesn’t seem interested in affection. It’s been 10 years since she last told me she loved me. I cannot remember a time when she initiated a cuddle.

We seem to have a relationship akin to being brother and sister. There is a bond; but no passion. I know things fade, I’m not expecting much just a few affectionate moments a week! It’s not really even about sex – I just want to feel loved, valued and liked! My self confidence takes such a battering. Just want to cry.

I dread going home. What I ever I do wrong is picked up and amplified. What I say; how I say it is picked-up on. If I get flustered and mistakenly say the wrong word my comment is seized on.

I don’t want to be a part time dad. I hate the thought of not seeing my children every day. Also I don’t see how we can finically afford to split!

I’ve tried to talk about the situation. I’ve tried to explain that I like affection. I’ve begged for affection. The reply is most of the time “shut up”. Once we told me she doesn’t like affection and doesn’t even say “love you” to her mum, so why should she say it to me.

Our children are getting dragged in. If I’ve done something “wrong” the children are told how “pathetic” I am; and a “useless tw*t”.

I feel stuck, trapped and, above all, desperately lonely.

This is no way to live

I think some would go as far as saying your wife is being emotionally abusive.

Have you tried counselling either together or separately? Or really sitting her down and explaining how unhappy you are?

I hear you re the financial practicalities - I’ve got a thread going called “Unhappy marriage.....” you could have a look at so,e of the good advice in there about children etc.

You could still see your children everyday if you made it happen that way?

My sympathies are with you, the loneliness is horrible.

OP you're going to have to make a choice here. You either stay in this situation or you seek legal advice pending divorce. You can find a Family Law solicitor here. Read the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship.

You sound depressed, perhaps visit your GP and look into therapy.

Your relationship sounds abusive. Perhaps call Mankind for advice and support.

Gingerbread can give you advice on child maintenance, contact and other issues relating to parenthood.

I agree this sounds like emotional abuse both of you and the children. What a grim situation. I really feel for you. Nobody should dread going home.

I would get support and advice for yourself first as in the links above. Maybe your GP too? I have to say personally I would try and record some of the abuse but not if it would be unsafe.

It sounds as if the outcome you want is a happy affectionate marriage but that may not be achievable. What's next best? How about you and the children at home together?

Wow OP.
You are being properly abused here.
You should not put up with it at all.
You are both teaching your DC an awful lesson on relationships.
They will model what you show them in adult life.
Do you want them to have a relationship like yours?
Definitely not.

Sorry OP, but you absolutely need to separate.
You may not see your DC every day but at least you can show them that no-one needs to be abused every day.
Show them that you can walk away from it.
You cannot live the rest of your life like this.
I would tell her that you want a trial separation.
Do you have somewhere you could go for a week or 2?
A friend or family member?
You need some headspace away from the constant abuse and put downs.
You get one shot at this life OP.
DO NOT waste another minute of it being abused.
Get it touch with MANKIND HERE
Do not keep allowing yourself to be a doormat.
If you don't respect yourself then no-one else will.
Start with you!

Withholding affection is an abusive tactic. So is putting you down and getting the children to join in. So is being over critical and creating those dreadful atmospheres. That doesn't mean she's necessarily a classic abuser or narcissist but certainly they are abusive tactics and you and your children deserve to live in an environment where you are happy to enjoy your home and each other. There needs to be some give and take in a relationship. She obviously doesn't need affection or to be told she's loved, but you do. So there needs to be a happy median. As this has gone on so long I think really you will have to walk away. Is she affectionate and loving with the kids? If not then she is causing them emotional harm too. Adults need to know they are loved, but kids need it any more. Who is the primary Carer? Who brings in the wage?

Not any more many times more sorry

Thank you for your comments. Strange how I've not cried about this situation for ages; then reading the comments seems to bring it to reality. Thank you!

@M0llyJones I have suggested counselling - she don't want to involved or talk to other people. "It's my problem anyway"

@12345kbm - thank you. I will look at those.

@hellsbellsmelons - thank you. Doormat is how I feel. But equally I feel so guilty that I've done something wrong/not good enough.

@AmazingGreats she is an excellent mother. There is affection for the children from her. I guess it some ways that makes it more difficult its not that she "doesn't do affection" its just that she doesn't give me affection! I'm the main wage earner; she is the primary carer.

She doesn't tell you she loves you because she doesn't love you. It's as simple as that and you know it, don't you?

I have asked if she loves me - most of the the time its a "shut up" or "stop moaning" comment.

Once or twice she has said: "Do you think if I didn't love you, I'd put up with you"

I know if I'm being honest there is no love. Guess I feel so much guilt over the idea of splitting up. But equally know - and becoming more aware - of how bitterly unhappy and lonely I am and that I do need to break away.

You don't need to feel guilty for wanting to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved, it's human nature. Your children will understand when they're older. They will get older and leave the home and where will you be then? In a miserable unhappy marriage with someone who can't even give you a cuddle? This is the only life you get OP, there won't be a take two, just think about that.