It's a question I've been asking myself because all three relationships I've had, I've been told have been abusive, but for some reason I can't quite believe it, it's like there's a fog in front of my eyes all the time.
Trigger warning- discussion of abuse-
Relationship 1: When I was in my late teens I was in a relationship with an older guy. I was sexually and physically abused. I was thrown, hair pulled, strangled, kicked repeatedly, stamped on. Forced upon. He threatened to kill me. Called every name under the sun. Threatened to kill himself. Punched walls and doors. Cheated on me with several other women. Pathologically lied. Spread malicious rumours about me. Filmed him doing stuff to me and shared the video with a girl I was at school with. Eventually the relationship ended because he ran off with a women twice his age, got her pregnant while he was still with me.
Relationship 2. I was whacked across the face when I asked him to do something. I got a black eye. I was dragged to the garden and sprayed with cold water- it was winter- during a argument to "shut me up". I was forced to go to the gym/work out when I didn't feel like it/was too tired because he wanted a fit and toned girlfriend. Once I was physically dragged, as he was a big guy and could easily overpower me. He just said I was being lazy and he was doing what was best for me. (BTW, I was actually underweight for over-exercising at that point, i weighed about 7 stone). Once at a family gathering someone I hadn't seen in ages came in the room and I in stood up in excitement to go the them, he gruffly shouted "SIT. You stay here." Everyone in the room stared at us. Apart from that incident, no one around me would have believed he was treating me wrongly in any way. He was such a cheerful, amiable guy on the outside.
Relationship 3) The only one who never lay a finger on me. But he threw a laptop when he got angry, was cold and distant and sometimes went days without calling me. Criticized everything I did. Cheated on me. Behaved in a way which I now understand is called gas lighting.
My dad hit me several times when I was growing up and would "stonewall" - not speak to me or my mum for days when he was annoyed over something. Once he made my mum finish her plate even though it was too much and she ended up throwing up from over eating, he then called her a stupid cow.
Every one of these men have said there behaviour is normal and there's nothing wrong with them. I have never been able to leave a relationship of my own accord. I never recognized I was being treated badly, it's only a therapist who told me it's all abuse. Even when I was young and getting physically beaten and was covered in blood and bruises, it never once occurred to me that "this was wrong" and "I didn't deserve this".
My question is what the hell is wrong with me? I'm actually feeling scared and struggling to believe anything- myself and other people. Everything feels like a grey area, I don't trust any of my own thoughts, don't know why I'm like this and what I can do :(