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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't move on after bad dating experience

22 replies

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 07:10

I was cheated on last September and they are still together now. I still hate him, I haven't spoken to him in months but I think i'm still traumatised by it.
I haven't dated since, I talk to men online and then I just end up deleting the apps. I've had 3 first dates but zero interest. I think I have some trust and intimacy issues as I was also cheated on and dumped 5 years ago by another guy.
I had a crush on someone at work which made me see I can like other people, but he had a girlfriend so I kept my distances.
I was told 'just move on' 'just forget it' 'get over it' the week after it happened, sadly I think they believe there is some kind of switch you can just press.
I don't talk about it to anyone anymore as there is nothing new that can be said and there's no point, but I wish I wasn't so affected by it.
I am scared of dating and trusting anyone else again.

OP posts:

TheVoiceInTheShed · 07/02/2020 07:12

Poor you, you are right, there isn't a switch unfortunately. Can you afford some counselling to help you?

yogo · 07/02/2020 07:14

How long were you together?

I think if at all possible you should think to yourself you had a lucky escape. Once a cheat, always a cheat, and be glad he's out of your life so you can meet a good one.

Original poster

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 07:15

Thank you. I can't really at the moment as i'm paying for braces, but i'm trying to use a lot of online resources.
I'm embarrassed to admit it's become a little obsessive. I check their Facebook weekly to see if they have broken up, but keep seeing new loved-up pictures and how they are the 'love of each others' lives'.
He slept with her whilst still dating me, it's disgusting.
I feel so angry about it, and I keep going on/re-deleting the apps.

OP posts:

Original poster

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 07:17

Only 4 months, which I know is short, please don't think i'm ridiculous.
You are right, once a cheat always a cheat. But he looks so in love with her. There didn't seem anything wrong with me and him, we got on so well, never a single issue or argument, it was amazing, I was so happy. He just liked her more I guess.

OP posts:

CherryRedDocs · 07/02/2020 07:20

How long were you together?

You need to block on fb so you cant keep looking

that's never going to help.

FlowerArranger · 07/02/2020 07:22

it's become a little obsessive. I check their Facebook weekly to see if they have broken up, but keep seeing new loved-up pictures and how they are the 'love of each others' lives'.

Thus is called pain shopping. Don't do it.

No contact is the only way to go. And this includes social media and going through your memory bank.

Remember: No contact = no new hurts.

Original poster

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 07:22

4 months
I have but it's so easy to just unblock, it's pathetic I know.
I thought he was the nicest guy I had ever met, my friends the same, nobody ever thought he could do this as he was such a sweet sensitive guy.

OP posts:

CherryRedDocs · 07/02/2020 07:23

X posted

I disagree with once a cheat, always a chest. My ex husband cheated on me after 12 years. I know he was completely faithful up until that point, he just met someone he fell in love with and didn't have the guts to tell me. I said I'd have preferred it if he'd been honest with me but it just meant we weren't right for each other. And it was true. I'd put money on him never cheating on her.

I think you have to find a way of being pragmatic about it. Being angry doesn't help and wont do anything other than damage your happiness.

You dont need to date though. Spend time with yourself. I know it's a cliche but date yourself for a bit. It really does help.

Original poster

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 07:26

You're right, it is pain shopping. I noticed that when the relationship was announced on Facebook that some people didn't react as kindly because of myself and her ex getting hurt, so it's good to know that there are people out there who won't celebrate such cheating.
Now when i meet a guy im in the mindset of 'what's the point, he will just do the same thing.' I'm afraid of getting close to anyone sadly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 07:28

@CherryRedDocs i'm really sorry to hear what your exh did.
That's true, I need to see it as that we were not right together. I feel like he will never cheat on the new girl either but could be wrong. I guess after 4 months I didn't know him enough.
I will try to find a way to be pragmatic.

OP posts:

finn1020 · 07/02/2020 07:32

You are being ridiculous, ffs 4 months is barely knowing each other. A lot of people aren’t exclusive that early on either and you’ve been broken up longer than you were together. You’re in “love” with the idea of who you thought he could be, not who he was. Don’t be a psycho stalker, if a guy was doing this to me I’d be scared.

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2020 07:33

I’d advise taking a break from dating and thinking about dating. Invest your emotional energy in friends, your career, your interests. You don’t have to be coupled up to be happy. And take a Facebook break while you’re at it: it’s well known for making women feel inadequate.

Honeybee85 · 07/02/2020 07:35

OP I agree with pp that what you do is painshopping. They’re not worth it, not even a second of your time.

Perhaps you have some self confidence issues you need to work on. Love yourself first, know your worth and that you deserve someone who treats you good. Perhaps after working on this you’ll find it much easier to not be hung up on this loser and start dating again!

Glitterb · 07/02/2020 07:54

First of all, block him and her and stop looking at their social media, it is unhealthy and obsessive.

He didn’t cheat on you because of something you did so stop beating yourself up about it, the cheating is a reflection on him!

4 months isn’t a very long time but you obviously had feelings for him so it still hurts. Do not waste anymore of your time worrying about it as you are delaying your own happiness! At least you found out after 4 months he was a waster and not 4 years!

yogo · 07/02/2020 08:43

The fact you're describing him as the kindest most sweetest person shows you didn't really know him. The kindest most sweetest people don't have sex with two people at the same time.

Take off your rose coloured glasses, block him on everything and be grateful. I know a lot of people who have cheated and without exception, they've all done it more than once. Maybe not immediately but 5,10 even 25 years down the line, if they get bored they get looking.

Look after yourself

Original poster

Usemyname123 · 07/02/2020 18:08

You're right, I should be grateful i'm not with him. Maybe he cheated before me, maybe he will cheat again. To be honest, I think most people I know who have cheated have done so more than once too.
I need to see him for what he really is, not what I thought he was.

OP posts:

PorpentinaScamander · 07/02/2020 18:12

Block them both. Yes its easy to unblock but it's one extra step you have to take which is one extra chance to say "this isnt good for me".
Other than that you need time. Yes it was only 4 months but you are obviously hurting. Be kind to yourself.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 07/02/2020 18:26

Aw bless you OP, 4 months is definitely long enough to have proper feelings for someone. I was very serious about my dp at that point. However, I will also say this - I have dated a lot of wankers. The guy before my dp drank waaaay too much and had terrible sulks. The guy before that strung me along long distance for months, knowing that he wasn't coming back. The guy before that was seriously abusive. Every last one of them was "the kindest sweetest person I ever met" at 4 months. It's really easy to be kind and sweet for 4 months. Even actual psychopaths can be kind and sweet for 4 months. I don't doubt you really cared for him, but you didn't know anything real about him, just the heavily curated early dating persona that everyone puts on.

Stop torturing yourself. The fact he shagged someone else is a pretty good indicate that Mr Perfects mask would have slipped pretty soon either way. It sucks though.

ABlackRussian · 07/02/2020 18:44

You are being ridiculous, ffs 4 months is barely knowing each other.

I cannot stand responses like this. Just because this situation wouldn't affect you, doesn't mean that the OP isn't affected.

Grow up.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 18:49

Ah op, you're just prolonging this for yourself. It was only a short relationship and it didn't work. Stop torturing youtself and online stalking them, it will only hurt you. You've been apart now longer than you've been together.

Think of it as a brief bit of fun that didn't work out, you weren't right for each other, and whenever you're tempted to check up on them, force yourself not to. It really isn't doing them any harm, it's just hurting you.

BestestBrownies · 07/02/2020 18:55

I’ve been where you are now OP. I get it, I really do.

You need to examine why you feel so disproportionately hurt and why you’re obsessing. What else is (or isn’t), going on in your life?

In my case I was isolated from my friends and family (new job abroad), and only recently out of a real headfuck abusive ltr.

This combination of vulnerability and loneliness made me invest too heavily too soon and it was a real kick in the teeth when I found out. I had to go completely cold turkey (block and ignore), and focus solely on myself for a while before considering dating again.

writergirl007 · 07/02/2020 20:41

For those saying "only four months"... Go easy. The OP was in the honeymoon stage when she thought it was all awesome and he could do no wrong. It's a long way down from there .... It can hurt more than after three years when he's been getting on your nerves for months, you know all his flaws and freedom is quite appealing.

Personally I've spent more time obsessing over short relationships ending than longer ones so you're not alone.

I'd put the dating on hold for now until you feel a bit happier though.

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