Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I am about to ruin this and really need some help please :(

25 replies

HollyCami · 07/02/2020 06:41

I am so confused. I’ve been dating someone for about ten weeks. He’s been proactive arranging dates. We see each other weekly or twice a week. He’s flexible with this. He’s paid for nice meals (as have I!), he’s very respectful generally, hasn’t pushed for sex but we both very much want to. I’ve been dating years and not met anyone I liked the way I like him.

This weekend we are supposed to be going away for a night. We are going to see a show and it just fits to stay over. I’ve been so excited about this.

So getting to the problem. I’ve suddenly created lots of problems in my head and I’m not sure if it’s my insecurities or if it’s my gut?

I am totally aware that I’m self sabotaging here. How the fuck do I stop? I’m in therapy and have identified this behaviour pattern but it is hard. I don’t want to ruin this because to me at least, he’s different. I really like this man. Hopefully I’ve not already put him off with my silly conversation last night but I know I need to address this immediately.

Can anyone help or share any tips

OP posts:

Whathewhatnow · 07/02/2020 07:26

Have you told him about your self sabotaging tendencies, talked to him frankly? It might help to just get it all out there. I mean, you dont want to just dump the content of your therapy sessions on him but it might help if you're just honest and say "oh god, sorry about the other night when I asked if you wanted to cancel, I've got a tendency to try and ruin things when things are going really well...." or something.

It sounds like you really like this guy and are maybe falling for him. I'm a big fan of the rip the plaster off school of thought. Get to your hotel room and throw your knickers in the air, girl.

LouisaJenny · 07/02/2020 10:33

Agree with above, OP. Try and be honest with him. And enjoy your weekend!

Tafelberg · 07/02/2020 11:23

What makes you think he wants to get back at his ex? Do you know the circumstances that caused them to break up?

Tafelberg · 07/02/2020 11:24

Sorry - I misread your post (you said you feel you may be being used to help him get over his ex) - but the question still stands, what makes you feel this way? Has he said anything to make you feel like he may not be over their break up in some way?

PineappleCocktail · 07/02/2020 11:25

It's normal to be a bit uncertain at the start, that's what makes it so dangerous and exciting and addictive.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 11:52

I think this is a question for your therapist to be honest, I'm not sure randoms on the internet can help you.

The only thing we can say is when you recognise what you're doing, you don't make it your partner's problem, but try to keep it for your therapy sessions.

I think it's subjective on whether you explain that you're in therapy over this, whether you wish to tell him that or not. And how you feel he will deal with it.

ravenmum · 07/02/2020 13:04

I went to a uni lecture on the subject the other day and it had similar advice to this article: www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/how-to-stop-worrying.htm
They explained some of the physical reasons why the relaxation exercises can affect your thinking; it's not as airy fairy as it can sometimes sound.

I don't know if it might also help to think through your fears. Let's say one of your fears is true. You're not married or committed? You'll be using a condom? What might happen? Best case scenario: he falls in love with you despite himself, you get married, he turns out to be a millionnaire in disguise. Worst case scenario: you have some nice sex, but you break up. Which could happen anyway even if he is an innocent lamb.

You want to sleep with him. You might go off him. You're allowed to, it's fine.

ravenmum · 07/02/2020 13:06

Also, before you contact him next time, try watching a really funny comedy or go for a run so that you're feeling more cheerful!

category12 · 07/02/2020 13:25

Worst case scenario - you have some rubbish sex and break up . But tis not the end of the world, either way.

LatentPhase · 07/02/2020 14:18

I would not tell someone you’ve been dating for a nano-second about your tendency to self-sabotage. Or that you’re in therapy (unless he already knows..). It gives potential
abusers insight into which ways you may be vulnerable.

This is stuff for you and your therapist. All relationships involve risk. How you handle this is your issue, not his.

I wonder whether you are ready for dating or whether the whole overnight/having sex thing has become magnified by the fact that you are both staying ‘away’ - ie it’s been built up to being even more of A Big Thing. Or both.

KipperBang · 07/02/2020 14:21

God don't tell him about your insecurities and how needy you feel. Honestly you'll have him running a mile

Just tell yourself to stop being silly - you are in danger of ruining this by coming across as clingy and paranoid and that's not attractive

Original poster

HollyCami · 07/02/2020 14:25

I’m worried I’ve already ruined it.

I want to have sex with him but I’m also scared to as I know I will feel more vulnerable. But if we don’t have sex then I will feel weve not given it a proper go and I haven’t been trusting and open with him.

OP posts:

YasssKween · 07/02/2020 14:26

I think you have good self awareness which is really positive.

On one hand I think just try to stay calm, be rational and enjoy your time with him.

On the other hand part of me wonders if you are in a place to date at the moment, as you are working through issues with your counsellor (which is great and something so important) and still putting yourself through anxiety by seeing someone at the moment.

I wouldn't want you to miss out on a great relationship but equally at the moment it sounds like one ending could really knock your confidence and set you back.

YasssKween · 07/02/2020 14:27

And if you aren't 100% sure about having sex with him then do not do it. If you think that you breaking up after you've had sex would have serious consequences for your confidence and mental health then it's better to wait surely.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 15:33

Op do you work? You seem to be over analysing this to death, which maybe indicates too much time on your hands?

LouisaJenny · 07/02/2020 15:53

What makes you think those things about his ex?

Perhaps PP are right and that you arent ready to date. I’m seeing a therapist myself to work through things and whilst I’d like to meet someone, I know I’m not ready yet.

ravenmum · 07/02/2020 16:02

I’m worried I’ve already ruined it.
This is just as excessive as the other worrying. It's just another example of your anxiety.

You want to have sex? Then do it for your own pleasure, not to prove to some imaginary judge that you've been trusting, or any other reason based on social anxiety.

Fromablokespoint · 07/02/2020 17:16

I have been worrying he’s trying to use me to get over his ex (they were together two years before we met and he’d broken up about 4 months when we met). I’ve been worrying he’s wanted to see her and maybe has (this is not like me at all, I’m not a jealous type in that way!
I met my partner 4 months after the breakup of my marriage - my plan was to chill out casually date and not get involved but "she" came along! Sometimes you have no say in how you feel about someone - he may really be into you - don't discount that!
I think that if you do not apply yourself 100% then any relationship will probably fail, unfortunately this does open us up emotionally. On the flipside is if you give yourself 100% then it may just be amazing.
Only advice is stop worrying, stop over questioning and go with the flow and enjoy it, unless your gut really does tell you differently.
He sounds like a nice bloke, enjoy your weekend.

CatAndHisKit · 08/02/2020 01:12

Sometimes you have no say in how you feel about someone

love it, Fromabloke , made me smile! how soon did you know you had these strong feelings?

Interestedwoman · 08/02/2020 11:15

I’m worried I’ve already ruined it.

As a PP said, this is purely your anxiety messing with you.

Maybe if when you meet him you say you're a bit nervous etc, it might let off some of the stam? Anxiety is very common, plus I bet he's nervous about your first night together too- that's completely natural and normal. xx

Take things at your own pace and enjoy. If you don't feel ready for sex when it comes down to it, say so. He'll stick around if he's not a cunt. xxx

LouisaJenny · 09/02/2020 10:28

How was your night OP?

Fromablokespoint · 10/02/2020 10:12

@catandhiskit

The moment I met her! I actually tried not to become involved but really was fighting a losing battle

15 months down the line she still takes my breath away daily.

OP - how was your evening away?

CatAndHisKit · 11/02/2020 00:10

thanks for replying, From. I'm curious whether she showed a clear interest from the start too, meaning she broke down your resistance, or did you still have to do the pursuing?
I like someone who is resisting, not surewhether I should do the pursuing...I mean he showed sigs of liking me initially but then pulled away.
OP, has he assured you at all?

Fromablokespoint · 11/02/2020 16:26

@CatAndHisKit

We met on Tinder - my profile was very clear that I did not want a relationship, just casual dating. She was very clear that she was on Tinder for a relationship but I looked like fun and would like something casual whilst she continued to date. After a short period I was told that whilst it is great fun she had found herself getting attached and she would have to stop. No pressure, no histrionics just a thanks for some laughs and great nights out but adios amigo.

I accepted this but after a few weeks just bloody missed her! The rest is history.
Until she decided that the casualness was not working I was content to just go along with it.
If you think it has a chance then have a pursue - again you never know whats going to happen.

Fromablokespoint · 11/02/2020 16:27

And where has the OP gone??

Flip