domestic violence/ rape (Sorry, trigger warning)

[Dillydallyontheway]

Years ago I was married to a violent man who took pleasure in causing me pain. He would often rape or beat me to keep me in line. He also strangled me to the point of unconsciousness I eventually left and moved on with my life. It left with me with PTSD and I have struggled for years with this.
I have been going to. Counselling for a while now and it has changed my life. I’m so much happier than before and accepting of what happened to me. Yet still occasionally my mind thinks back to the past which I find difficult.
I now realise that even with the best counselling ever I cannot erase my past. We are all made up of our experiences. But that makes me so sad... the thought that I have been forever changed by me ex’s actions. How do you become ok with this? I feel ‘branded’ by him and want to be able to completely forget what happened, though I know it’s unrealistic. I feel that by remembering Past events he is still in my life, calling the shots.

What helped me is a therapist telling me that say one day I had something happen that damaged the specific brain cells that held those memories and just like that, it was gone.
He said, if I mentioned that person's name to you, you wouldn't know who I was talking about.

The point he was making is some memories don't go away, but the less power and emotions we give them, they lose their hold over us.

That is a tough one op. Ranty makes a good point, now you simply think about those times, feel sad and then you shake it off and continue with your life no? Before, the thoughts, the FEAR, would have defined There is a huge difference and you gave that to yourself and took from him.
You cannot erase it. It is part of the tapestry of your life. But, it will only feature as much as you want it to. Sometimes it will be to the forefront and sometimes not.

I haven't ever been to a counsellor about my ex Bastard. And he never actually hit me, although he was abusive in pretty much every other way. What has helped me, is realising that even after all the shit he put me through, I am here. I am not destroyed. I feel like if I could survive what he did, I must be pretty tough underneath (although it took me a long time to realise this). DH & I are going through some pretty difficult stuff at the moment (we're fine ourselves, but we're homeless for a while & living ina shelter) & frankly I'm barely fased by it. I think most people find my attitude a bit odd but I feel like, I've dealt with worse. I'm also disabled with chronic pain but, shit happens.

Not trying to derail your thread. Just saying, sometimes crap stuff makes you realise how strong you can be. Hope you manage to move away from your intrusive thoughts about your ex. I know it's really hard.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Everything you say is right, but I’m just struggling at the moment.
Iam you are correct in the fact that fear once dominated everything and thanks to my amazing counsellor that is no longer the case. I get the memories now but the fear is not really there, just pain. So that is huge for me. It’s given me a quality of life back.
Awd I’m sorry for what you are dealing with right now and definitely agree about how sometimes these things can make us realise how tough we really are. I always used to hate myself for being so weak to stay with my ex. Although I still don t fully know why i ddi, I do now feel some pride in how brave I’ve been in dealing with it and all the stuff that’s followed.
I know lots of people have their own crap to bear and that my original hoped for counselling were unrealistic. I’m just feeling deflated with it all. Need to brush myself off and get on with life, I guess

Deflation can be good sometimes. Durning that time we pause, reflect, and are a bit somber. In my opinion that is a very important part of the healing process. It will recede in a bit. So your job now is to be kind to yourself in whatever way works for you - a walk, a bath, music, a book, a dance party! Step by step OP. No matter how glum you feel remember that you got away from him. That counts for so much and required intelligence and courage.

Interesting, I hadn’t thought of this as a part of the healing. It feels like a step back but your post has given me something to think about. I’m self employed so put some things on hold for a few days as spent most of the last 2 days in bed as feeling so down. Need to give my head a wobble!

You could try EMDR. it is one of only about 2 evidence-based treatments for trauma. You can get it privately by googling for therapists who do it locally, and also on the NHS.

I found it stops memories recurring as often, and also takes away the intensity of their sting.

It also alters other areas of your life which turn out to be directly or indirectly effected by the memories, could be anything- friendships, relationships, work etc.

It works faster than other therapies. Would recommend.

Thank you Interested, I have heard of EMDR but don’t know that much about it so will have a google. Glad you found it helpful

For me, when I accept that he changed me forever, I also accept that has some positives I can be proud of. It made me stronger, less tolerant of bullshit, more aware of my boundaries, I have more empathy for women. I guess I see it as, I’m not guilty or responsible for the negative impact he had on me but I am responsible for the strength I gave myself to get through it, and I’m fucking proud of that, you should be too. One thing I’ve learnt about women is we’re not easily broken.

Thank you Angels, I agree with what you say that it has changed me in good ways too. I am definitely stronger and more resilient... no matter how broken I feel I always seem to be able to brush myself off and get on with life. I think I’m probably more empathetic too and definitely more aware of my boundaries and am learning how to enforce those (this is still a work in progress)

I don't identify as a victim or a survivor. Nasty stuff was done to me by bad people. It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve it.

But I'll be damned if I'll give those people the power to determine who and what I am now. They and their actions do not - and never will - define me; they might explain why I instinctively duck if somebody moves in a particular way, or why I'm always on edge with small, confrontational women with cold, dead eyes like a shark, but they are less important in making me who I am than the things I like, the music I've listened to, the books I've read and the films I've enjoyed.

Mitz you sound so strong. I don’t identify as victim or survivor either.... both words define me in relation to what happened and I don’t want to be defined that way.

For those of you that have come out stronger, did you forgive your abusers? I’m wondering if that is something I should be working towards... ive seen conflicting views on this.

@Dillydallyontheway Christ, no, I'm not about to go all beatific and 'forgive them their trespasses'. They knew damn well what they were doing was wrong and enjoyed it. They'd still be doing it if they had their way, too.

Yeah, that’s my feeling too But read so much on how forgiveness helps you move on so wasn’t sure if it was possible without