Critical partner

[mamma1234]

I'd be grateful for some advice. My partner criticises me daily and it's really getting me down. Examples include:

My driving - too fast, not leaving enough space, car too dirty etc
How I speak - if I mis pronounce words, don't use correct words
How I dress - if colours mismatch, how he doesn't like some of my clothes
Kitchen - using wrong size saucepans, mis-use of microwave
Children - buying too many toys, doesn't like how I dress them etc

The thing is I probably do have all these faults but what I can't work out is whether it's normal for someone to be criticising daily, usually a few times a day? I'm starting to really not enjoy being with him and I know my self esteem is being affected.

Sometimes I wonder whether if I tried to address all his issues it would be different, but I suspect he would always be able to find things to critique me about!

He has had depression in the past and trouble with his parents when he was a child, his dad had severe anger issues and was frequently angry with him - which I wonder might be the root cause of this behaviour?

He's not a lovely man underneath. But even so, if a diamond was covered in shit that you could never get off, you wouldn't wear it, would you?

If a guy treats you like crap, it's no good hanging on for him to see the light - how he's behaving is a choice. Tolerating it just gives him permission to continue and, it makes him despise you, not love you.

I think your plan sounds very sane and logical.

So many people shout LTB without actually thinking about all the long term consequences for all involved for taking that option.
(Which May still be the best option)

But yes, first address it the way you have outlined and then make your decision.

OPs plan is flawed; this man is "happy" as he is and will not change. Such men too do not readily if at all go into therapy.

The long term consequences for OP and her children if she remains with this man are dire. These children could also well end up with a raft of emotional problems directly because of their mother's relationship with this man.

He doesn't seem to even like you let alone love you!
I have just typed this on another thread but the same thing applies here....you deserve better for you and your children...if you can't leave him for your own sake do it for your children.
We only get one life!!!!!!

What Attila said - with bells on. Reading your OP gave me chills. When I was in my early 20's my then boyfriend behaved like this, criticised my driving when he had never learnt himself. I left him after 3 years (no kids thank goodness). These men never change. Good luck OP.

This is not normal. He is doing it for control. He will not change no matter what you try to do. This is his problem, not yours.

OP, let me tell you - I had a boyfriend like that. Such a lovely man, I was so happy. Except that I exceedingly did not manage to do anything right any more. He always had to correct everything - from the way I used a word to the way I cut the cheese. The way my friends behaved. The way I expresed my gratitude when he did something he assumed I should be grateful for. Of course, just to help me, you see.
He didn't even get angry or shouty, but I spent my days walking on eggshells and wondering what mistakes I have made now..

Oddly, my lovely husband does not find that I warrant constant correcting, and I'm still the same person. So looks like it wasn't me, it was him.

No not normal.
Not acceptable either.

My ex did this. Criticised everything about me and everything I did.

It was a very long relationship and I tried to ignore it, and told myself he only does it because he's insecure and a bully (his father had bullied him and was a horrible person).

The problem is no matter how much I could compartmentalise it, it sucked the joy of life from me.

When I finally left him (luckily no children as I would never have kids that would be criticised like that) it was like the colour came back into my life.

Before when we were together I felt sorry for him because I knew I was better than him. His friends would always say I was better looking and funnier etc than him...this didn't help.
I was trying to be generous to him and pamper to his fragile ego...it didn't work....we were both miserable.

Now he is with another woman, who is more on his level, so maybe he is happier now.

While Attila's dire warnings may prove true, what's paramount is supporting the OP in this present situation, not making her feel worse. Very easy for us to all sit here saying what she should / shouldn't do but it looks very different from the inside. We don't know her circumstances. Legal and financial factors sometimes cannot be ignored, at least in the short to medium term.
In the immediate circs OP please get therapy or counselling to empower you and mend your boundaries. Start looking at him in cold light of day, and disengage yourself and your son from anyone who's enabling him and his abuse. Get people on your side and build your networks then you'll have the confidence to do what needs to be done.

Yes i agree.
In the first instance you do you. Tighten up your boundaires. this is quite simply ignoring his criticism. do your own thing. leave the stuff on the side you know will annoy him (or whatever it is).
If he picks on you tell him firmly you will not be spoken to like that in your own home.
Start with assertiveness - if he really is a good man he will back down and control himself.

As others have said, this is abuse.
It may well be learned behaviour from his childhood but HE needs to realise and address it.

Before you walk away, just quick over your shoulder comment 'Oh dear, you are turning into your dad'
'Getting angry eh? Just like your dad'
Call him by his dads name every now and then when he starts.
'Yeah yeah Brian, whatever you say'
But you have to tell him how it's affecting you and he HAS to get some help with this.

This is a LTB thread but if you want to, then you need to make sure you challenge him and you need to ensure he gets help.
If he doesn't, then there is no hope and you need to get yourself and your DC out of the toxic environment and teach them that no-one puts up with abuse - EVER!!!

I understand your dad to give him another chance. By all means do so and follow your ABC. But you have to be serious about this. He gets one chance and if he buggers that up (which I believe he will), you're gone. Set boundaries now and stick to them.

@Atilla has it. Shes a good un.

Just leave OP. A, B and C will not work.

I'm so sorry.