Critical partner

[mamma1234]

I'd be grateful for some advice. My partner criticises me daily and it's really getting me down. Examples include:

My driving - too fast, not leaving enough space, car too dirty etc
How I speak - if I mis pronounce words, don't use correct words
How I dress - if colours mismatch, how he doesn't like some of my clothes
Kitchen - using wrong size saucepans, mis-use of microwave
Children - buying too many toys, doesn't like how I dress them etc

The thing is I probably do have all these faults but what I can't work out is whether it's normal for someone to be criticising daily, usually a few times a day? I'm starting to really not enjoy being with him and I know my self esteem is being affected.

Sometimes I wonder whether if I tried to address all his issues it would be different, but I suspect he would always be able to find things to critique me about!

He has had depression in the past and trouble with his parents when he was a child, his dad had severe anger issues and was frequently angry with him - which I wonder might be the root cause of this behaviour?

Hes anusing you. Its not normal behaviour.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Abusing.

No it's not normal.
Tell him to stop.
Remind him your sons will grow up to talk like that and your daughters to accept it.
He has no right to criticse you, those constant digs will wear you down.
If he has issues those are his to address in therapy.

Tell him to stop.
If he won't then i guess you need to decide if you can stay with him.

Good luck x

This is 100% abuse. My ex started with this - the way I spoke, the way I pronounced things, the way I ate, the way I dressed. This escalated and escalated and finally became physical.

Oddly, he used to blame his childhood and his dad for his issues too.

Unfortunately it may not get any better for you.

Sorry OP

No it's not normal. If you're so useless and can't do anything right, why is he staying with you? Maybe because it's not true, and he's simply trying to kill your self esteem. Does he also tell you that you should be thankful because he is trying to help you? And no other man would be able to stay with you?

My highly narcissistic, abusive, dysfunctional ex had (has) a mother that was (is) constantly angry, hostile and aggressive towards him and the rest of his (equally dysfunctional) family. Result? He lashed out at me and complained, found fault and nitpicked about everybody else, to make sure it wasn't him on the receiving end of possible criticism.

I have not yet forgiven myself for staying with the nasty little bully he grew into.

Get rid asap.

@Merlinite

Well done for spotting the pattern.

I'm hoping you have a full and robust NC going there?

Oh and do forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong.

@75Renarde. Thanks 🙂But I did do something wrong, I gave the benefit of the doubt, tried to hang in there and had 3 kids with the POS.
However, they are all beautiful and intelligent and I am now picking up the pieces. They'll be ok, but OP please stand up for yourself.

Abuse is not just physical and the emotional kind is so very hard to fix x

oP that is not normal and is abusive.

Bingo @Merlinite!

Giving the benefit if the doubt is one of the grave sins if the Empath.

Keep strong x

@mamma1234, run for the hills. This is not normal. I am only just getting my confidence back after he left me. I was belittled by him for years. Escape as soon as you can x

If you want to try and sort this you are going to have to challenge him at every turn- every criticism means he loses out on something.

Driving criticism= if you criticise me again I WILL pull over and you can walk. Then follow through.

Pronunciation- tell him you are not engaging with him and leave the room.

Cooking= get your own dinner.

Clothes= I like them and didn't seek your opinion.

Children= buy more stuff if you feel like it and reinforce you don't agree. Possibly think about going out every time he is a miserable shit to young take away his audience.

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. It's really sad that this is such a common problem.

@Merlinite - you've definitely hit the nail on the head there. I'm wondering whether if I suggested therapy to him, to address the constant nitpicking and finding fault whether he would go. Perhaps if I said it's got to the point where I'm finding it difficult to be around him and let him know how much it's affecting me.

@KaliforniaDreamz - thank you for pointing out about the possible affect on my children. This is a real concern. My two year old son is already telling him to calm down, which is quite telling! I have addressed this with him before, pointing out that if he keeps getting angry in font of him and now sometimes with him, our son will turn into an angry man himself when he's older.

He must have real issues to get so annoyed and angry at such minor things. I remember when our son dropped a container of cotton buds on the floor and I put them back in a hurry to get back to the baby, not very neatly but they were all in there - he got really angry and annoyed, telling me I never do anything properly etc. His reaction just isn't in proportion.

He is honestly a lovely man underneath all of this and I would really like to be able to sort this out. You have all made me realise how important it is to not put up with his behaviour and to assert.

I intend to:

a) explain to him how much his constant criticism is affecting me and the effect on our children
b) suggest he goes to therapy
c) walk away/challenge each criticism

If this doesn't work, I will need to tell him I would leave him and then do so.

LTB
He knows he's hurting you. That's why he does it.
Don't make excuses for him.
I imagine he doesn't criticize his boss all the time.
There's nothing to explain. He does it because he wants to.

Ask him if he enjoyed being brought up by angry criticising parents, if not, it is time for him to break the mould.
He needs to have counselling, read books about Toxic parents and research CPTSD, Richard Grannon is good on YouTube He recommends the book by Pete Walker called CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving Complex PTSD. This is trauma brought on by a traumatic childhood.

But he has got to want to change.
If he doesn't want to change himself, then you will have to leave because he will drag you down with his abusive behaviour and you will lose your self esteem and confidence and your children will see it all and be criticised as well.

Been there with being constantly criticised by my narcissistic ex husband and be criticised the children.

Good luck.

Really annoying. I'd do it back to him and watch his reaction.

He is honestly a lovely man underneath all of this

He really isn't.

So does he do the same to other people? Gets angry and shouts at his colleagues, if they stack coffee cups the wrong way? I bet he doesn't.

Are they his children?

He could've been a lovely man but in fact isn't, as things stand. Does he have the desire and insight to undergo large amounts of therapy? What's his relationship with his mother, does he still crave her attention? If so, leave now, this is not something you csn fix. If not the case, you're still going to have to reparent him yourself, while trying to raise your own family. Put you and your DCs first x

He doesn’t sound lovely at all sorry.

Can he see the link between his and his father’s behaviour?

mamma

Re this part of your comment:-

" I intend to:

a) explain to him how much his constant criticism is affecting me and the effect on our children
b) suggest he goes to therapy
c) walk away/challenge each criticism

If this doesn't work, I will need to tell him I would leave him and then do so"

I would not bother with doing a b or c. Re point a, the problem is he knows and he does not care. He after all grew up seeing this at home with his parents and you sadly minimised or did not notice that red flag. Re point b, he will in all likelihood refuse therapy and re point c. this could put you further at harm in an already combustible situation.

Such men like you describe hate women, all of them and in particular his own mother (and now you).

Make plans to leave this individual and leave as soon as you are able. He is NOT a lovely man, this is who he is and he will remain abusive for the rest of his days. You cannot rescue and or save someone like this and you cannot also love someone like this better.

The people I feel for the most in all this are your children because between you and your so called partner, both of you continue to fail them. You cannot and are not able to protect them fully from his abuses of you and in turn them; you remain emotionally preoccupied with him too and you are not fully emotionally available to your kids. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, what are you getting out of this now?. Nothing. Stop putting him above you all.

This sounds as it’s now become a habit.......criticising you, elevates him - (he doesn’t have these faults!) Who died and made him king? His behaviour towards you is abusive and cruel. A real live bully.