all in a name?

[jayc]

I have recently moved in with my 'partner' (hate that word!) and I'm wondering what I should encourage my daughter (2 and a half) to think of him as. She spends quite a lot of time with her father (2 nights a week), and knows that DP isn't her dad. In fact she talks about this quite a lot and I can tell she isn't having an easy time making sense of it all. Why would she? When we read books that have the mummy, daddy, child/ren theme I can see her wondering why this isn't the way it is in her life. Its easy enough to clarify who her daddy is, and to try and explain that there are lots of different types of families, but does naming DP as 'step-daddy' add to the confusion? She calls DP by his name but that clearly doesn't explain much about his status in her life. Has anyone had experience of this?

Hi jayc, I am a single mum and although I havent met anyone myself I am giving advice on what a close friend has done. Her son is three, he has two daddys and calls them daddy Paul for example and daddy Bob and she has explained to him that a while ago she was with daddy1 she made him and then when he was a baby she got together with daddy2, and although he doesnt yet understand the biological father bit! he understands this as its the way its always been, although her situation seems to be slightly different as her son sees his real dad only once every few weeks and shes been living with her partner since the beginning. Perhaps there is a book which explains it better, im not sure. Good luck

I have a stepdaughter and she calls me by my first name, and she calles her stepfather, who she has known since she was two, by his first name too. She is now 11 and doesn't experience any confusion and seems very happy with the situation as it is, and that's despite the fact that she now has siblings in both households. She sometimes calls her stepdad 'daddy' and even calls her dad 'XXX' by mistake, but as long as everyone is calm and loving about this I think children manage very well. Maybe my stepdaughter is more laid back about this than other children, but we've sort of explained as things have come up. She was six when I met dh, and we explained that I was daddy's girlfriend, which she was fine with, and I went out of my way to say how lovely it was to be with her. But mostly I tried to show how I felt by doing stuff with her and showing her how much I enjoyed her company. When I moved in, we told her that I would be coming to live with daddy and was really looking forward to playing with her and taking her out etc. By the time we got married she was interested that I would become her step-mother, but the phrase gets used very, very rarely! I also think it is important that the step-parent takes a step back from issues such as discipline and adopts a more 'concerned and helpful adult' status, rather than try to be too parental, as I think a child doesn't need too many people as parents, but does need all the loving they can get. I think it is enough to say that my friend 'John' (who presumably she knows and likes and is used to) is going to live with us from now on/we are going to live in John's house from now on, and that he will love you and help look after you because you're very special to him. I'm sure you've already explained that some children live with their mummy and daddy in one house, but other children have mummies and daddies who live in different houses, but still love their children very much. I am pretty sure there are some books which portray families outside the nuclear model, maybe you could ask at your library. I feel this is very rambling, but I suppose what I am trying to say is that children may be curious and interested in a situation without it causing any real problems. And I think how you name a role is less important than how you live it.

jayc and aloha - can I just ask, at what stage did you introduce your child to your new partner, or were introduced to your partner's child?

I know it depends on how quickly the relationship becomes very close but, I'm just wary that it's a step that can't be undone and yet I'm aware of my daughter knowing something may be going on and feeling excluded.

Thanks.

Hi Jayc - my ds calls both my dh and his father - daddy. He knows exactly who is who - when they are both in the same room (often) then it's daddy (name). My ds met my dh about a month after I'd met him and they got on brilliantly. At first he called dh by his name, but after we got married his just started calling him daddy. I am fortunate in that I get on very well with ds father so this has never been an issue. Indeed, ds also calls several other people mummy - my best friend, his old childminder, and his father's partner.

I met my dh when my stepdaughter was six - I met her very early - about a month after we met because we knew it was a very serious relationship very quickly. She was a little jealous at first, but we persevered and it's lovely now. She even laughs about how she felt jealous at first. I don't think it scarred her mentally or anything! She met her stepfather when she was two-ish. I think he was initially introduced as mummy's special friend, or something, and she didn't go to live with them until she was four so the situation sort of evolved naturally. She lived with her father between two and four and a half, so she never had a situation where a partner moved into her main home, but I don't think that would have been too awful either. She now doesn't really remember a time before her stepfather was around and I think even meeting me is now a dim and distant memory.

Thanks for these responses. Aloha, your experiences are particularly reassuring. I guess, as in so many other areas with children and families, there are no rules. And the important thing is to stress to the children that their family situation may not be the standard but neither is it abnormal. And, of course, that they are loved by all. Tinker, I introduced DD to my new partner after a few weeks (a baptism of fire for him. he doesn't have children and I took them all to Clown Town, a very hectic play area. He was shell shocked) but we took it slowly.

without sounding like im moaning , most men usually know whether they want to be with someone with a child when you tell them about him/her and have been together a few weeks.

Over the last year I have met two men, who upon telling them I have a little boy ran a mile and I didnt see them again...I tell them about him straight away, partly because Im so proud of him, but (thought) I wouldnt introduce them (not a time limit) until I was sure.. Im finding it hard meeting a man who understands, perhaps its the area I dont know.

Alley22, I think maybe it's because you are so young (grr with jealousy!) that men are suprised that you have a child and aren't ready. I met my dh when I was 35, and his ex-partner met her new husband when she was in her thirties. By then you sort of expect a bit of baggage - you certainly wouldn't want to be meeting umarried virgins who still lived with their parents I think it is a very good idea to mention your son upfront (I'm sure you don't baby bore about him, though!) as you certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who wasn't 100% about your son too. Think if your baby as quality control

oh yes! sometimes i feel strong about it and sometimes lonely.. but i know im strong enough to find someone who will love both of us one day

Jayc, we have a similar situation. I live with my dp, who is not ds's father. My ds sees his father every other weekend, talks to him on the phone regularly (and we've just discovered netmeeting so they can see each other which is GREAT!) and calls him Daddy. He calls dp by his name and I can't see this changing tbh, nor would any of us want it to. Yes, explain that there are lots of different families I'd say: once she meets other children (if she's going to playgroup, say) she'll realise this anyway I suspect. Many of my son's friends are with new partners, are on second marriages, are stepfamilies so he doesn't think we're at all unusual. Actually, I think it's because we're not! For us, this arrangement with names works. HTH.

Alley22

Persevere, there are guys out there that are willing to take on women with children already but as you seem to have found out already most of us seem to run a mile if there are children already there (there was a big thread on this sort of behaviour some months ago).

Jayc

All of my friends who have children and partners that aren't the childrens father just call them by their first names.

My parents split up when I was 12 (Mum ran off with Dad's best friend out of the blue!) I was 12 and stroppy, so didn't call him anything for about 3 years. Now he is 'name'. My Dad remarried when I was 15, I call my stepmum by her name (except when I wind her up and call her my wicked stepmother). I saw my Mum regularly so there was no need for me to have another 'mum' in my life, even though I lived with her and my Dad and she fulfilled that role in my life)
It was different for my stepbrothers (I have 3) - they all now call my Dad 'Dad' - as they have no contact with (in fact youngest stepbrother has never met) lowlife alcoholic father who beat their mother and them. Only the oldeat of them remember his father, and he once said to his Mum 'I'm glas you found me a nice daddy'
Like others have said, it's the way you look after them, not what you call it. I would, though, be wary of antagonising your dd's biological father by introducing another 'daddy'. I know my Mum would have hated that.

He is her step dad to all intents and purposes, if you live together. You don't have to be married. He is her step-dad.

BTW, I hate those books that have Mum, Dad and 2.4 kids as the norm.