STBXH dating the younger, prettier, slimmer version of me!

[analante]

Hi all, long time lurker on mumsnet, but I finally signed up to start this thread. I have been reading lots of threads about separation, divorce and dating as a single mum, and musmnet has been an invaluable source of support and advice throughout my own separation.

I am a 44 years old mum of two DC, who separated from STBXH a year ago. The separation was and still is amicable, no cheating involved, we changed as people and drifted apart over the years. We were together 20 years. Divorce proceedings just started.

I thought I was handling the situation very well and felt positive about this new chapter of my life. I went on a couple of online dates, and even had a short fling.

A couple of weeks ago I found out through mutual acquaintances that STBXH has been dating someone for a few months. It sounds like they are together, not just going on occasional casual dates. I know her through work, as we are in the same field and we met a couple of years ago at a few networking events.

The news has completely shocked me, not just because STBXH is moving on, which is emotionally tough enough, but because she is essentially my younger and prettier doppelganger!!

We have similar height, body shapes, same hair and eye colours, similar face features. Well she is much younger so in better shape, but you get the gist. We are in the same (niche) professional industry. We dress similarly. We are both quite successful in our careers and we appear to have somewhat similar personalities (at least on the surface, I don't know her well): both strong minded, driven, ambitious. We are so similar that I actually really liked her when I met her a few years ago, as I saw myself in her and thought she had a lot of professional potential!!

She is 12 years younger than STBXH and me, never been married, no DC. I feel like I have been replaced with a "better" version of myself, and it really stings! I am not sure why the fact that we are similar hurts me so much, after all STBXH must have a type which I clearly fit with, given that we were together for so long.

Has anyone have a similar experience? How do I get over the feeling of having been replaced by a better, younger, slimmer version of me?

Thanks!

It’s weird but quite common. After my parents divorced, my dad started dating someone. I vaguely knew she existed but never met her...until we happened to bump into them at the same restaurant on a date. She was literally my mum’s twin (if my mum had a twin who wasn’t a single mum!). I was only about 9, but I remember thinking how odd it was.

He was just as much of a tit to her though, despite being younger and childfree. She had no more desire to tolerate his bullshit than mum did thankfully.

Yes me, both my ex partners new partners looked just like me and same cultural background. The last one was just a skinnier version of me.

I have seen this before. It is usually down to having a type. Many of my partners have been tall with dark hair, creative, working in similar industries with almost identical hobbies. It is what I find attractive

I remember reading somewhere that subconsciously you try to "fix" your mistakes in life by following similar patterns over again, inc dating people who are similar looking & similar in other aspects , so that on some level you are fixing the things you have previously failed at. (regardless of fault)

When my stbxh told me about his new girlfriend I did look on facebook at her and commented how he had gone for someone who was me when we first met except she looks less feisty(probably what he wants).

some people see partners as interchangeable.

Just think how thrilled she'll be in 10 years or so when he's wrinkler and grumpier. Perhaps she'll find a younger doppleganger of him 😆

If he found you attractive why would you be surprised to find he found someone who looked similar attractive?

Your separation was amicable and he's decided to move on, time for you to move on as well. Stay friends and be happy for him.

My ex has moved on with someone as painfully skinny as his first wife (im not fat but she does look seriously thin) she has long hair he encouraged her to dye dark (like mine) she wears glasses so he got her to buy the same purple ones I like ties her hair up like me cant drive (like me when we met and his ex wife so we depended on him) no friends (wife 1) emotional issues (wife 1) children's services looking after her children (again wife 1) even goes so far as to take pictures in exactly the same poses and places we took pictures in

Yet he claims I haven't moved on...I'm working like he never allowed driving like he never allowed the kids eat actual take away food from time to time (he claims Chinese food is adults only) I let him crack on I'm buying some green glasses soon 😁

I know someone doing this.

He left his wife and he is dating a younger version, I mean if you saw pics of ex wife at the new woman you wouldn’t tell them apart!

It’s not uncommon for people to have a type or go for a certain look 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not surprising that he is attracted to a certain type, and you both fit into that category. Not unusual at all.

People often go for a type of person, it's not unusual nor surprising his GF looks like you as you both are that type.

I once got a message from a friend asking why I hadn't said hi when she saw me out with my ex. It wasn't me. It was his new girlfriend.... She just happened to look exactly like me. Its nothing to do with you... Its him. Imagine being so unimaginative and fixed.

I'm look totally different from Dps ex. But some people have a type. Don't compare yourself to her look to the future and remember that you are now free to have a more meaningful connected relationship.

I dont think it's the type that bothering her but the younger and slimmer version.
I would feel the same because it feels like an upgrade which would make me feel like I wasnt good enough.

my ex follows this pattern his first serious girlfriend looks like my doppleganger when I was her age, and the OW he cheated on me with looks like me ten years before (she is ten years younger than me) same hairstyle facial features very similar just not as slim as me

ouch!

Who's to say she's better? You are the original. You are mother to his children. She is the copy, not you.

Look at Chanum Tatum, his ex wife and his gf Jessie J are identical.

I think there’s some mean things being said on here, no one is a copy or interchangeable. Most people have types, it’s really not that unusual, I have a type and rarely date outside of that ‘look’ it’s just what I’m attracted to. Probably the same with your ex, she’s not better than you though no one is we’re all different and special in different ways.

I think it's rather odd really

Sad hoe many people feel the need to slate their ex's choice of new partner (not you obviously OP).

I think it stings because it makes you feel less special tbh, to know that the person just clearly has a type and probably would be attracted to potentially anyone that might fit the bill. It's not like it would really hurt less, if they went for the total opposite presumably that would sting because it brings to mind thoughts that we were never really their type.

Some people have a type some don't, relationships end over moreel than that and he hasn't got a "better" version of you OP, he's just with someone else. I'd stop trying to draw comparisons, especially about her personality - it's conjecture really and work personas are often very different. She isn't a copy of you, you're two separate people with some similarities.

It's hard of course but I would just stop thinking it's a thing.

Best way to get over it? Find a younger, slimmer version of STBXH and have a great time. Why should be have all the fun?

I think it stings because you feel that you are being "replaced" .I think it is very difficult to see someone making ex happy ,even though the divorce was the best thing for you at that time .You are the special one that is mother to his children ,not her !Most people have a "type" and often repeat past relationships (So unlikely to work for them if it didnt work for you!)