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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what does he want?

8 replies

Harrison08 · 05/02/2020 11:57

sometimes you just need to write things down... so here goes, you might want to grab a coffee!
i was set up on a date back in sept, via a mutual friend. he had been seperated for 16 months.
i had been seperated for 2 years and had two short relationships in that time. so we were both aprehensive, neither of us knowing what we were looking for.
we started dating, taking things very slowly, it was great.
Until end of november when he said he isnt ready, but still really wanted to stay friends, that lasted 7 days before he then came round and said he had been seriously overthinking it, so we got back on track, all going well, no rush and no pressure, until friday just gone when he said the same thing! says he wants to be there for me, wants me as a friend, but cant give me more (i never asked for more or even suggested it) i liked that we would see eachother when we were able - we both have kids, he has a stressful job, is training for the marathon and its been a year since his mum died so i know he is under pressure.
he has still been in contact every day since, ive taken a step back and i accepted his wishes of just wanting a friendship. i will give him the space and support he needs.
i do like him, but im not anywhere near the "loving him" stage. we both wanted to take it slow;y, which we did and ow he says he thinks he should be feeling more?

im confused, but hoping that maybe down the line things will figure themselves out, i for one value our friendship more than the intimate stuff, but i know i will find it hard not to kiss or cuddle him.

OP posts:
OhLook · 05/02/2020 11:59

It sounds like he wants to be friends but also dangle you along a bit in case he changes his mind.

Glitterb · 05/02/2020 12:09

@Harrison08 don’t wait around for someone who doesn’t know what he wants, you could waste years. If he admits he isn’t ready, then wish him well and move on (for your own sanity!)

category12 · 05/02/2020 12:16

Jerk you around once, maybe give another try, jerk you around twice and best to knock it on the head. I'd be done.

RuffleCrow · 05/02/2020 12:22

I think this is called breadcrumbing.

Is that something you're prepared to settle for op?

Onemansoapopera · 05/02/2020 12:24

If you're happy with taking it slowly I see no problem? Men always seem to do this a few months in as they start thinking that the women will want to know 'where its going' (usually true) and they take that to mean we're ready for them to propose and get the frights. My dh pulled it on me two months in...6 years ago and yearly three married now. I've not moved in with him yet. So I really was in no rush but they don't get that they assume they've got one foot in the trap and their escape route is closing off... If you're happy just carry on?

litterbird · 05/02/2020 12:28

This is a really typical behaviour of a separated man. Its all hot and cold. No ones fault, its just he is trying to work through the separation and divorce. He really doesn't know what he wants. However, keeping you in the background is purely him wanting you as a back up plan....but he may not consciously know he is doing this. Now, you have a choice to either stick around to see if it levels out and he comes back for good or you just slowly detach and go live your life and find someone that knows what he wants. Its always best to steer clear of separated men until they are at least one year post divorce. Good luck.

Harrison08 · 05/02/2020 12:36

thanks for your replies, what makes this alot easier is i am in no rush whatsoever, ive been happy and comfortable having this "thing" i wasnt and still not wanting the whole settling down thing. he isnt the usual type of man that runs and then never hear from again, he has been messaging me every day, we spent xmas together etc. and ive never once put the heavy on. but he said last time he thought i was just saying it, but i really wasnt.

id gladly stick around as his friend, and maybe wait and see, im not wanting anything from anyone else, i guess only time will tell, we do have a fantastic friendship that i wouldnt want to lose.

thing is it was literally last week he saw one of his friends and told him about me, and i met his dad that weekend too, weird!

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 05/02/2020 12:37

It's honestly not weird for people to know about you, you're a significant new person in his life. Don't over think it.

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