Looking for some advice

[workinghard123]

Hi - has anyone got any positive stories of saving a marriage that is in dire straits when I am the only one trying to save it, and H has checked out. There’s lots of advice online that it’s very possible and not to give up (we have 3 small kids) but would be great to get some encouragement on here. Also the actions and steps you took.
Thanks in advance!

Why is it in dire straits?.

A person cannot save what is in all likelihood a failed relationship on their own. The other person has to be equally committed otherwise there is no point. If he has checked out there is likely to be no coming back from that point. Let each other go.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Are you basically teaching them that a loveless marriage could be their "norm" too?. Staying for the children is also not a good idea either. Whose sake are you staying for; is it really yours because its somehow "easier" for you?. All that teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them and one they won';t thank you for doing.

He works away a lot, in the last 7 years we have barely had the opportunity to spend any time together without the kids, our emotional connection has been broken as we are both tired with work, jobs, kids etc. We don’t have fun together anymore.

While he finds the idea of divorce hard, I am not sure that he has the energy anymore to try and make it work. I think he’s frustrated with the situation but that it has worn him down. I think he wishes we didn’t have the kids if I am honest - he finds them hard, mainly as he’s always working he doesn’t have a great relationship with them (nothing bad, just a lack of understanding). I find it stressful, and have no family support so I am sure that I convey my stress to him, and he has a stressful job so I wonder if he thinks being alone for 50 per cent of weekends etc. will be better and also being in a relationship with someone without kids will mean he can enjoy luxury holiday etc. and get the chance to relax and chill out that he so badly wants.

There is nothing major (affair, abuse etc.) just a total lack of any connection.....

You have put 'I think' have you actually asked him how he's feeling ? If he really cant be bothered then don't push it, effort has to be on both sides you have to work together to make a marriage work.

If he works away a lot now that will likely continue. He seemingly as well has not made any serious, if any, attempts to find alternative work whereby he is not away from home so often.

You may well find that in the event of a separation he will merely palm off his children onto his parents or at least let them down in terms of contacting them. He is clearly not a family man and he also sounds supremely selfish. He cannot and is not taking any real part in family life now; separation is not going to somehow make him a better father and or be more involved with his children.

@attilathemeerkat

I am sure that will be true re palming the kids off to nannies / grandparents etc. He has said something about stopping travelling so much but I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I get he can’t do loads, but I think he should be able to do more with the family. Even when I was away for 2 nights with work (first time in 7 years, I work part time) he didn’t want to come back home and engage the kids - he got a nanny to stay overnight so doubt it’s just me he has an issue with and it had been in the diary for ages and his EA had planned his diary etc.

I want to make it work for everyone - I am thinking of saying to him I am going away for a weeks holiday. You deal with the kids. If you want this path, you deal with the logistics for a bit. We would need to sell the house, move schools etc. We have talked about separating but nothing agreed, just a frustrated discussion about it. If he wants this then he needs to prepare a plan....

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He is definitely not a family man - it’s just such a desperate shame for the kids who love him dearly and are always asking after him when he’s away.....

Does anyone else have any real life experiences of this?

Clearly all divorce him quick peddlers

Anyone have any good news stories?

Sorry the only examples I have of fathers Being better parents is after they divorce. Changed dynamics allow them to do things differently. A couple of weeks on his on won’t change that. He needs a lot more time with them on his own terms doing things the way he wants.

So do you think he would change and be interested? Currently he only mentions doing sat lunchtime to sun lunchtime every other weekend, with grandparents / nannies picking them up and looking after them - sees that as thinking outside the box! What examples do you have of doing things differently? Currently if I go out to the gym early, when I get back the kids are not dressed, no teeth brushed, and normally being ignored!