Can this work. Desperate to settle plus partner with low libido.

[julesmam]

Have any of you experience of this or could you share your opinion.
Can it work long term when one partner is really keen to settle down and get married for love and security and a dream that she has had all of her life . The relationship may not be perfect as the other partner may not be as keen to settle down so quickly and the other partner has low to no libido ?
While one partner would love a baby, the other is not so sure after 17 months.
Would it be crazy to forsake the chance of a baby for the love and security of a partner . Security that is rare in this life having had none as a child.
Is it possible to be happily married with little or no sexual intimacy ?

Both people are very happy as both set of needs are being met at the moment.
One is completely accepted for who they are with no pressure , the other is proving des with love and security .
What can you read from this please.

Don't settle. It usually ends badly.

The partner with security issues should seek therapy to help with this, and not rely on the other partner's validation.

Plus, if one partner is pushing for settling down, having a baby or whatever, that often leads to resentment in the long term from the other partner.

You’re fundamentally incompatible and wouldn’t be happy ever after.

It is so hard when both sets of needs are being met at the moment. It is hard to see the future but I would l be to think that a couple could be very happy together without sex and possible without children.
I have read on these forums about sexless partnerships that can work but those couples seem always to be older and the sexlessness was progressive.
To have so many mutual needs met makes it difficult to say goodbye to a promising future when a minority of other important needs will never be met.
The sexlessness can be frustrating but toys underwear massage does not work on the other partner and there is rigidity to exactly what level if intimacy we engage in.
How could I ever meet one who could be so loving and kind . Is it not possible to find the whole package .
Part of me wonders if he has residual feelings for an ex that he adored but who needed the sexual element to satisfy her. I ask myself sometimes if I am his back up girl.

Can it work long term when one partner is really keen to settle down and get married for love and security and a dream that she has had all of her life .

Security that is rare in this life having had none as a child.

Dangerous combination which seems to be driving really poor decision making. This has got disaster written all over it.

It’s rather confusing to follow who has what here but I am assuming you are the woman and your dp

• isn’t sure about settling down but you want to
• doesn’t want a baby but you do
• doesn’t have much of a libido (as you sure he isn’t masturbating to porn instead? It is not uncommon) given this how is baby making meant to take place anyway?

Put like that does he sound like much a a catch? Whereas you could find security with someone who does want to settle down, have a baby and have sex. It’s not either or here

Don't do it. I did exactly this. 2 kids but 9 sexless years from a 15 year relationship and my self esteem is in tatters. I'm so angry for doing this to myself!!

I'm sorry for being confusing.
He is an amazing man and great boyfriend.
I believe he would be an excellent husband. I cherish him and cannot believe my luck at finding someone like him but these niggles.. the lack of sex, slow to commit,not sure about kids , his past love , they all niggle at me.
I'm pretty sure the feelings for each other are mutual but I wonder are these obstacles too big and too important for future happiness to overcome. We both get so much from the relationship. He has often expressed awe at being so loved and accepted for who he is . In private I yearn For the sexual intimacy but I can deal with that issue at the moment

It's easy to tolerate all sorts of things in the first couple of years with someone you're in love with. But long term, mismatch of libido and crucially being on different pages about children etc will be a killer.

I hope he isn't stringing me along. My fear is that he will finally decide that he doesn't want kids and we are four years in. I am still in my late twenties so I have time but he is 35.
He is not willing to explore reasons for low libido or compromise in that area.
I wonder Of I am settling but am scared there is no better out there for me . Surely we can't have it all

Why are you even considering 'settling' when he is lacking in commitment? Surely that's not really your choice.
Compromising in one key area is significant enough, this would be madness.

You are currently in your late 20s. Why are you and he together at all, is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. After four years of being "together" like this, its not going to improve any. Such innately poor relationships usually only go one way furthermore and that is down.

You're both two people clinging onto each other for your own reasons and are otherwise moving the deckchairs around.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of parental example did you see?

You are being strung along here by him and your boundaries in relationships are really so very low here. Do not settle for so little or remain his fallback girl because that is really all you are to him here. You are worth more, love your own self for a change.

I will second the 'settling' would be madness, the things that concern you now will likely drive you up the wall as time goes on. If they are not keen on having kids, you don't want to have a child with them, there would be a strong chance they won't want to help with any child. You would be better waiting for someone with more in line hopes is there.

Thank you. What reasons do you think I am his fall back girl. I have had a niggle about this before.
My parents relationship was horrible. They were never role models and each member of my family is now in either a dysfunctional relationship or none at all .
I think he fears commitment. Sometimes like a boy who doesn't want to grow up.

"My parents relationship was horrible. They were never role models and each member of my family is now in either a dysfunctional relationship or none at all".

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You are now in a dysfunctional relationship yourself which is not altogether surprising given that their own relationship was horrible.
You have no idea what a mutually respectable and loving relationship is and you still do not know (what you describe certainly is not it). You were never shown it and no-one bothered to ever show you. To my mind also all the adults in your life let you and your siblings down abjectly.

You can break this dysfunctional cycle but you will need to put much time and effort through counselling into doing so. Its going to be hard for you but it will be worth it. Do not stay with this man, break free of this self imposed prison of a relationship and start to love your own self for a change.

And, yes, it would be crazy to forgo having a child if you want to be a mother. You could give up your fertile years for this man and might find yourself dumped later in life while he goes on to have children with someone else.

Don't count on him changing his mind about having children with you.

You’re not lucky to have found him. You’re unfortunate not to have avoided or got out of this relationship long before now. You want a traditional sexual long term relationship and DC. He isn’t offering you that.

Suggest ending the relationship and seeking counselling etc before dating others.

Both people are very happy as both set of needs are being met at the moment.

In private I yearn For the sexual intimacy but I can deal with that issue at the moment.

Both of these statements ^ cannot be true at the same time.

You are not actually happy, you yearn for more, you have worries about the future (quite rightly) and his past (quite rightly). The illusory "happiness" that you have now will drain away.

You're in your late 20's & have loads of time.

Please don't settle for this. It sounds like you just need a conclusion, one way or another.

You're not being offered commitment OR sex OP, so what are you even settling for?

No offense OP but the things you describe as "niggles" are in fact the bedrock issues on which relationships live or die. Having incompatible attitudes/ desires towards sex, children, and marriage are not "niggles" they are the biggest signs you could ever have that you are incompatible! What needs could you possibly have being met when these things are lacking? You mention felling accepted, loved, and secure, but how can you be accepted as you are when who you are is someone who wants things he won't give you? How can you feel secure with someone who won't commit to you? A sexless childless marriage is not a small niggle! Not wishing to be cruel but it sounds like you could do with some therapy to unpick how your perspective got so distorted on this.

What’s even more striking than the lack of sex and his reluctance to commit/want DC is that it sounds like you don’t even trust him (re the ex, and possibly ‘stringing you along). You say he is in awe at how you love him but I’m sorry, I think you are giving too much and not receiving enough, possibly as a result of your childhood and your lack of role models for how a relationship should be. To even consider ‘settling’ when in your late 20s is all wrong. Cut loose, work on your understanding of relationships, and start again is my advice. You sound lovely and you will find someone wonderful.