Does he still like his ex or is it complicated

[Lemonlimez]

First of all, I dont currently have any children, so really sorry if this is exclusively for people with existing families, was just really hoping for some advice.

So I have been dating someone for 6/7 months now, I really like him - really caring, nice and funny but he is in a complicated situation with his ex.

So before I met him he had just got out of a 7 year relationship (they had broke up about 7 months before i was dating him) we were both surprised at how well we got on after meeting each other, and kept searching for the catch, but there didn’t seem to be one, we genuinely enjoyed spending time together.

Now, it’s awkward because their living situation prior to me coming along was complicated. They were sharing a flat together, and they were also living with his mum (the guys mum that I am dating) his mum couldn’t afford the rent in her last place, so she moved in with them.

When they broke up, understandably the girlfriend left the flat, he and his mum stayed. Now when she left, they were still locked in a contract, therefore she was paying the rent and they couldn’t afford to find somewhere else at the time. In her defensive, she has been paying rent for a considerable amount of time and she doesn’t want to pay anymore.

It leaves the guy I am dating in an awkward position and it is very stressful for him as his biggest concern is that he and his mum will not be able to arrange somewhere else to live in time before she bails out of the contract and they will have to sofa surf / not have anywhere to live.

Now I have quickly detail the reasons why I’m insecure / not insecure:

Insecurities: he hadn’t chucked away his girlfriends stuff for ages until I mentioned it, he has just got out of a 7 year relationship, when she was saying she was getting out of the contract it was followed with insults which affected him emotionally, he has not suggested to me that he is looking to move things forward, sometimes says how he would like to go travelling and things, I guess insecurities in me not being in his future plans

I have raised all of these things, and he has told me he doesn’t care about his ex and he is completely over her, has told me he likes me, and doesn’t see me as a rebound or temporary - but for some reason I still don’t feel satisfied with the response

Not Isecure: doesn’t talk about his ex unless really relevant, I can tell he genuinely likes spending time with me, calls me everyday, always wants to see me over the weekend, tells me he misses me when he doesn’t see me and I believe him.

I feel that my insecurities are overshadowing my non insecurities - but it’s almost as though I feel that I can’t bring up the conversation of ‘us’ because of the stressful housing situation that he has, but equally I don’t want to invest any more time and emotion into this situation if this is just seen as a temporary thing for him and that I am just a good healer to have around whilst he is going through all of these stressful times.

It doesn't sound like he has feelings for his ex. But it also doesn't sound like he's planning a future with you in mind, which is reasonable after the length of time you've been together.

If he's just gotten out of a 7 year relationship, how old is he now? He is probably at a stage in life where he wants to catch up with what he's missed out on. Which is why he's mentioned travelling etc.

What are you looking for with him?

Hey - first of all, thank you so much for responding to me, I really really appreciate it - really needed some unbiased views on the matter.

He’s 27 now - so they got together when they were 20.

I don’t really want anything from him, it’s not that I need a label and I’m not someone that is actively looking for a family or a proposal or anything like that.

I simply don’t want to be in a position where I invest time and emotion into someone who can’t offer me that in return, because I feel like I’m starting to fall for him the more I’m spending time with him - and I know it will hurt more in the long run if I drag it out and the end result is the same.

But yeah basically the thought of loosing him already makes me feel sick, and I just feel that if he does want to catch up on life and he doesn’t see me as a long term thing and it’s just a temporary arrangement then i should just bail now then later on down the line.

It sounds so stupid because it’s been a small amount of time, but it’s the first time I have really been emotionally invested in someone - I have been in relationships before, but it’s been about 7 years since I was in a relationship that I was emotionally invested in - it’s just the fear of feeling crushed basically.

Hi @Lemonlimez , although understandable You may be overreacting. I was in a very lengthy relatiobship and have children with ex however I have met an amazing man that I do want to spend my future with. There are times when I do have to deal with ex and it can be unpleasant and uncomfortable especially having my partner as I don’t want to make him feel uncertain about us or our relationship. However there are some things that just have to be sorted out. If I could I would completely banish ex from the world and never speak to or of again but unfortunately that’s just not the way it goes. I hate when I have to deal with anything regarding ex but if I don’t deal with it no one will and therefore it drags on more than necessary. For your partner I don’t think you should view ex as a threat at all and as you explained the housing situation is what is worrying him and more so because he cares for his mum not his ex. If she lived in the flat she should have cleared her own stuff out but again the fact he didn’t could just be lack of wanting to even go through it or even that he wasn’t about it ( I know that it infuriates you as it looks like he was holding on to it). The best thing to do is talk to your partner about it and be honest about how it’s making you feel and see what his response is. Let him know that you are aware of his living situation and will be there for support should he need it and maybe ask how long it will take before he can completely shut her out of his life. Depending on his reaction you should get a very clear picture about his plans for future and whether she is in them or not. I think we all jump the gun sometimes but need to remember that situations arise that we have no control over. If you feel very much connected already to this man don’t throw it away over this, you need to be certain or could end up kicking yo ur self for a long time to come. Hope it helped in giving you the other perspective. Good luck and wishing you a happy relationship going forward xxxx

He's had several months to find some place else. He is basically living off his ex. The fact he's not found some where and would have continued to take off his ex would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand people who free load for extended periods of time.

Let him know that you are aware of his living situation and will be there for support should he need

Just make sure this doesn't translate to you will pay for him and his mum. Or take them in. He needs to stand on his own two feet. Not look for a woman to pay for him.

@Bluntness100 I agree totally do not offer any money or anything of that sort but offer the support of listening to or giving advice if you feel comfortable with doing this xx

So him and his mum can't afford the rent between them? They expected his ex to go on contributing?

How long did he and the ex live with his mother?

Does he work full time?

How did you meet him?

Do you work and have your own place?

@Missapple786 thank you so much for your response, it’s nice to hear a perspective from someone In a similar situation but on the opposite side, so that’s really nice to hear. How quickly did you meet your current partner after your split?

@Bluntness100
I guess a little off track, but can explain the housing situation a little more.
Yep completely see frustrations from both sides, I can completely see why the ex is annoyed with the arrangement as it’s taking time for them to find a new place, when she left they agreed that would be the situation until they found somewhere because they are all locked into the contract, and she knew he and his mum could afford rent on their own.

They live in London, and if anyone is aware of rental costs over here it’s extortionate - unfortunately his mum works on a 0 hour contract so they cut hours when they feel like it and he earns a little over minimum wage. Therefore when you are paying rent, paying to live and trying to find money for a deposit and 2 months rent upfront - it’s almost impossible to do.

To much of your annoyance, I have actually offered in the past to loan them the deposit, because I earn about 2/3x their annual earnings between them, but has never taken me up on my offer.

They managed get in the social housing list and are band A and bidding for properties they are just waiting for someone to accept their bid as social housing is like gold dust in London - so it’s just taking longer than expected.

I also can empathise with this, because rewinding back 12 years ago myself, I was homeless for 3 years and had to live in homeless hostels etc and that was simply because I didn’t have any money or have an alternative choice to live anywhere else. So I know how stressful that situation can be.

But I can understand your perspectives, I have had relationships in the past who have really taken advantage and free loaded off me in the past, to the point where I have even lost my previous flat as a result - but I think if there was an alternative situation I whole heartedly believe they would do that.

I don’t question their morals for a second and don’t consider either of them to be maliciously taking advantage, I think this is a government issue that urgently needs resolving in London.

How come him and the ex could afford to rent between them, but him and his mother can't? When she was renting as a single woman before, although perhaps struggling?

Does the mum work?

Cross post

So she covers the roof over his head and your annoyed he wont throw her stuff away? It's her home too she can walk back in if she wants she pays for it

No all three of them were living there before

Therefore when you are paying rent, paying to live and trying to find money for a deposit and 2 months rent upfront - it’s almost impossible to do

But this is not her problem. It's his. And his mothers. They are both grown adults. It's not like they didn't know. And even if he had to get a room in a house share and his mother go into emeragancy accommodation they could find a solution.

@slipperywhensparticus I’m not annoyed? I said I’m insecure about where its going, and I said it was one of a few insecurities that I was taking into account as we are still not official, so for all I know I could be a rebound/something temporary - I suffer with anxiety, so I know my anxieties are not always logical hence why I was asking for advice on the matter.

I always took into account the living situation and that’s why I didn’t say anything until very recently and I was also unaware of the exact situation for a long time myself, I had a conversation last night about it ?

So all three of them took on the flat at the same time?

@Bluntness100 I agree, just to be clear this housing situation has nothing to do with me and I’ve only spoken to him a handful of times about it.

The housing situation isn’t something I’m involved with at all so its not right for me to comment on anything about it or was really looking for but thanks none the less.

@notthisshitagain yeah they did, they lived in another place before without the mum - they lived in the newer place for 3 years together

@Bluntness100 also emergency accommodation is what they are trying to get, they are 20,000 - 30,000 homeless people living on the streets in London, all of these people wanting emergency accommodation.

You could move in?

Yes well your boyfriends life is a bit of a mess. He hasn’t sorted out his obligations to his ex. These are financial but will cause her difficulties in moving on with her life. It should be a priority for him. But I doubt he has the ability to do anything to resolve it. She’s going to end up writing it off

As to the housing. I can’t see how these two would be on a high band. Are there are other difficulties in their lives. Surely they will be treated as separate adults unless she is dependent. That doesn’t sound right.

Whilst your offer of a deposit is reckless, it doesn’t solve his problem. He needs someone to subsidise his rent. That’s either the housing department or going on previous form his girlfriend. His last one did it for him. It’s probably her money in the current deposit as well.

You’re ‘not official?’ What does that mean? If it means you are a casual fwb yet you are prepared to give him money, I would call it a day.

You could move in?
This would be rather foolish. To move in after 7 months, to financially support him and
his mum's living arrangements.

Nope...that would be very unwise.

@LemonTT ok maybe again I’ve been a little unclear, think there are a lot of assumptions getting around.

So yes he does have obligations to his ex, historically she was paying 1/3 of the rent that she was paying before, and they are paying the rest, the only reason they can’t pay the last third is because their overheads are greater than their income - as she chose to leave, this was their agreement, because they are in a 12 month contact and she chose to leave.

The ex is currently living rent free at her folks, but the reason she wants to leave the contract is because she is unable to get another tenancy with her name in an existing contract elsewhere - it’s less of a monetary concern as they have already agreed they will pay her back once they are out of the property but I agree it’s still awkward if she’s looking for a new place and wanting to get out of her parents.

Anyway, the ex hasn’t paid anything in 3 months therefore they are now in arrears and not eligible for their deposit back. They won’t need subsidy for rent in the future if they move somewhere cheaper, or if they get social housing. Either way she is leaving the contract this week regardless, so they will only have their current rental until the end of the month at best.

His mum does classify as a dependant which is why they are on band A, she occasionally works but it’s a 0 hour contract so they don’t offer many hours.